All my adult life, almost

Yet again, it’s been ages since I’ve actually written here. And again, I’ve composed several posts in my head, but that doesn’t get them typed up and published. I’ve got not excuses. I’ve been enjoying life with my boys, when not working.

*The dress I wore to the medieval fair (in the last post) is something I found at the Salvation Army over 20 years ago! I remember walking to (high) school, in the mornings, barefoot and even around the halls barefoot (eeew!) wearing this dress. It still fits quite nicely!

*My birthday is less than a week away. I’ll be 38 years old/young. You choose. I don’t feel any different, yet? It’s just another birthday and another year. I have no idea what I’ll be doing for my birthday, but I will be on holiday!
I bought myself an early birthday gift. Who am I kidding, I would have bought this regardless of how close or far my brithday was). I bought Diana Gabaldon‘s 8th book in the Outlander series: Written in my Own Heart’s Blood aka Moby. I haven’t started it yet, as I am still re-reading the entire series and I have only just started book 7. For the 3rd time (except book 7, this will only be the 2nd time)! Yes, I know! I love this series THAT much and I plan on reading it at least a few more times. It is THAT GOOD!
Bonus belated birthday gift? The Outlander Tv show will air on Aug 2nd. However,  it will be a live streamed showing and most likely only in the US… Unfair! So, I most likely won’t get to see it until Aug 9th. That’s not that far off! *Squeal*

How does Diana Gabaldon’s books fit into “almost all my adult life”? Well, Outlander was first published in 1991. How did it take me so long to find it and start reading the series?!

*15 years ago today, I boarded a plane and headed for Finland with my residence permit in hand. I was 22 years young. All these years later, I’m still here. These 15 years here mean I’ve spent almost my entire adult life in Finland. Although, I really don’t know if I would consider myself an adult in the years 18-21/22 before moving here. I sure felt like a kid a lot of the time, even after moving here.

*I have a purse that I still carry around, which I bought in July of 1995 or 1996. My ex and I bought matching bags at the Oregon Country Fair. I’m sure he doesn’t have his any more, but I still love mine. It’s black albeit slightly faded and definitely used looking, with 5 pockets/pouches, one of which can lock and it holds everything I could ever need or want when out of the house. This purse has traveled everywhere with me. It has even had a bottle of blood red nail polish break in it not long after I bought it. I can still see bits of red here and there on the inside.

*Two of the 6 rings that I always wear have been with me for ages and ages. The dragon ring my mom bought me when I was 16. I love this ring! And the wire thin sterling band was an 18th birthday gift to myself. I bought this ring on an out of town trip, a 45 minute drive both ways, with 2 girl friends the very first time I got to drive my moms car out of town. I nearly killed us or at least severely injured us, in a stupid stupid not paying attention close enough when driving sort of way. I never told my mom about it.


On a not so life long note:
*Only 3 more working days and then we’re starting another 2 weeks of holiday.We don’t have much in the way of plans, but that is enough. We’ll do some things to keep Paxlet entertained, which is generally quite easy. I have a baby shower to go to and a girls day/evening sans kids. Mr Siili, Paxlet and I are also thinking of heading to visit Mummi and Pappa (my in-laws) again.

*Paxlet has not particularly liked me/us leaving him at the summer daycare these last 2 weeks. He cries when I leave him (and when Mr Siili is there too). My heart just breaks! I know he only cries for a few minutes, yet it is still so hard to leave him like that. Thankfully when I come pick him up in the afternoon, he is all cheery and happy, if a bit over excited to see me.

Our day at the Medieval Market

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. I am so done and over with AF.


Not in order, here are some pictures from our day at the Medieval Market today. I didn’t get any pictures of the train ride home where the kids played with the “keep ‘em busy” stuff I put together for them, but they sure had a blast with it all.

It was a great day. The weather was perfect, the train fun, company amazing and all around good day. It’s late, Paxlet is sleeping and I’m tired. Good night!

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Hope. It’s what gives us strength to carry on TTC. It’s what gets us through each month of BFNs until we get pregnant, adopt, do surrogacy or resolve our TTC journey in some other way.

Hope is also what drives us crazy in the midst of it all.

I’m in the TWW. Mr Siili and I DTD twice around O. No symptoms at the moment, just like with Paxlet. I did have some very light pink, maybe it was spotting the other day, could it be implantation? It also isn’t too late/early for spotting/AF to arrive early.


I started this post yesterday. I can’t be bothered to finish it today. My period arrived in full force this morning. Ugh.

And life goes on

Ugh, has it really been that long since I last posted?! Twenty-three days, beginning of June, according to my last published post. I knew it was a while, but I didn’t realize that long. I feel like I’ve got so much to say about not much stuff. Does that even make sense? I’ve always got thoughts of something I should/could/want to write about, but just can’t make myself get around to it. In any case, here are my thoughts in bulletin points because I can’t be bothered to write full posts about each item.

- June 16th marked 4 years of being a dual citizenship holder. Next month will be 15 years that I’ve lived in Finland. That’s basically my entire adult life and soon it will be half my life. Time just…flies.

- Paxlet is now saying 3- and 4-word sentences, sometimes even 5-word sentences. He also talks almost non-stop. Just like his momma. *big grin* This afternoon for example, as I was trying to get him down for a nap (which was unsuccessful, by the way) he was snuggling with me and then sat up a little, rubbed his hands on my shirt and said: Äiti hieno green shirt. (äiti=mom, hieno=nice/wonderful/great). This was also my first compliment from my boy!

- Paxlet. He just blows my mind. I am so lucky to have him and get to watch him learn and grow everyday. He’s picking up numbers (not that he gets the correct all the time, but he says 1, 2, 3 or third when talking about things) and he can quite often identify orange correctly and sometimes a few others colors as well. I bought him a building set a few days ago, because I thought it had a screwdriver in it, which is is in love with right now, but it only has pliers and a wrench (with a flat screwdriver bit on the edge). He loves the pliers and has even built his own “car”. He comes up with new words and actions everyday. He even makes jokes! How I love this little boy.


That’s Paxlet’s “car” he made on the right. It originally was a pig.

- I finally had my doctor appointment, but not much to be said about it. As this was through the public doctor, she only did a quick internal/external exam (no signs of endo, just like always/before surgery, but it doesn’t mean anything for me). As I have one frozen embryo at the public fertility clinic, I should go there to have that done before doing anything else. They would also be able to tell me more of what is going on inside of me (u/s machines) and what to do next (after the FET fails). The doctor could send a referral for blood work to see if anything there has changed, but I declined for now. I honestly don’t think anything has changed in that respect. I did forget to ask about my no/low sex-drive and the possibility to get progesterone suppositories. As low prog is a problem for me. I should call and try to get a phone consult (quicker than trying to see her in person, esp during the summer).

- I’ll call the fertility clinic after the summer holidays and see about getting our last embryo transferred.

- I had meant to post last week. I was going to say that there was only 4 more days until my first 2 week holiday started, but it’s Tuesday of the next week already and this is my 2nd day of official holiday, although I haven’t worked since Thursday, as it was Juhannus/midsummer this last weekend, which means no work on Thursday or Friday. Mr Siili and I haven’t killed each other yet and we’ve been home together for 6 days. Little snips and snaps here and there, but we’re doing decently well.

- There was about 2 weeks or so during this month that Paxlet just wouldn’t go to bed easily. Sometimes it took more than an hour to get him to sleep, with tons of screaming, crying, gagging from the aforementioned and lots of unhappiness. It’s been better the last few nights. But, now he doesn’t seem to want to take naps every day. He is way too young and tired to go without a nap. So we all suffer, sometimes more than others, until bed time. He also likes to wake in the middle of the night and not go back to sleep. Or he tries to go to sleep, but then wiggles and his blanket falls off him and so he continually wakes us for a while. Sometimes an hour or more. I try to remember he is still little, but in the middle of the night I’m not always at my best.

- We’ve had some beautifully warm, hot even, days. Part of the reason I didn’t blog earlier. And then (now) we’ve got some chillier days with tons of rain, some snow (it didn’t stick!), hail and thunder storms. It’s a typical summer, minus the snow.

- I found a long lost friend via FB. Every so often, I would find the letter she sent me in 1995 (people, that is almost 20 years ago!!) and I would think about her for a bit. This time when I ran across the letter, I thought to see if she is on FB. Low and behold, she is!  We’re now catching up on each others’ lives. Sometimes, FB can be good.

- Paxlet and I are hopping on a train on Saturday to go to a Renaissance fair with a very good friend and her two young daughters. It will be Paxlet’s first train trip and both of our firsts’ to the fair. And next week we’ll head to the in-laws for a few days. Tons of activities planned here. I also hope to Skype with my sister later this week. Holiday is good.

I am sure there is more that wandered through my mind. I guess I will just have to blog more once I think of it.

Out with the newborn, clothes that is

I would really love to have a second child and a sibling for Paxlet. I really don’t see that happening, yet I can’t help but hope and think about it. In the meantime, as Paxlet is getting older, (he’s almost 2!!) and there’s no sign of me being pregnant, Mr Siili is wanting to get rid of all of Paxlet’s too small and no-longer-used items. Mr Siili has no sentimental attachments (that I know of) to any of Paxlet’s toys or clothes. But I do.

Some clothes and other items (for ex. 1970′s Snugli carrier*, food grinder) were mine and my siblings when we were little that my mom had saved and then my step-mom and sister shipped to me. There is no doubt in my mind that I can’t get rid of those. But at the same time, Mr Siili says I should just ship them back to my siblings so they can put them in storage for themselves. But, what if we do, but some bit of magic, happen to get pregnant again. I couldn’t ask for my family to ship them to me yet again! Plus, they don’t need them just yet. If they do, I will send them straight away.

There are also some clothes and other stuff from Mr Siili’s mom. Those are easier to give back, because they live much closer and I personally don’t have as much of an emotional attachment to them and neither does Mr Siili. In addition, I wonder if his sisters (one my age and one 10 years younger) might want this stuff to use when/if they have kids. But, I don’t want to ask them about their plans because it isn’t really any of my business. But, I also don’t think my MIL wants the stuff back either, although I am sure she will take it.

The bit of stuff and clothes that I’m having an especially hard time parting (or thinking about parting) with are the clothes that have been given to Paxlet and what I have bought for him. Some of the clothes are just too cute and I loved it when he would wear them, for the short time he did. Others, such as most everything from the maternity package, I just want to save them in case we have another kid or for my siblings if/when they have kids. There are tons of almost new, great quality clothes from the maternity package that I just don’t have the heart to get rid of them; either by donating or selling on FB or at a flea market. Mr Siili says I should keep a couple of the items that are harder to replace and a few that I have the most sentimentality towards. But I just don’t find it that simple.

What have you done, or would you do, regarding your baby’s clothes? (And other small-ish items?) Have you kept everything? Nothing? A few things? What did you keep? I’m really having a hard time, mentally, figuring out what to do with this stuff. And yes, I know it is just stuff. We can buy it all again if we ever need too, but I WANT and NEED to save a few things for Paxlet when he (and his partner) possibly have their own kids someday. Paxlet, as a male, might not have mooshy feelings that I saved the stuff, but I hope his partner might.


*In the almost two years since I’ve  managed to track down the instructions for this vintage carrier, I’ve had 31 people ask me for them. I find that cool and amazing!

How infertility has changed me in a positive way

We don’t read much about infertility* affecting women/people in a positive way. Because, let’s be honest, there isn’t much good and cheeriness about wanting a child so badly it hurts (sometimes even physically). But I found myself in a situation last week where I could see the benefit that infertility has had on/in my life.

My new new team leader and I were having a one-to-one conversation for work last week when I noticed some pictures on her wall. I asked her if they were all one kid at different ages or (four) different kids. She replied that she has four kids and told their ages. And then she proceeded to tell me that the youngest, a girl, has Down Syndrome. First off, I was surprised to hear she has 4 kids!! I don’t know why, but I just was. And then we got to talking about our kids (her kids, my kid). We laughed, got teary eyed and just loved on our families. I now understand why my team leader is so pro-family, me working part time, leaving work for the day on time and taking care of oneself (not getting stressed about work issues, there’s so much more to life than work, for everyone!).

How does any of this relate to infertility helping me? Well, when I heard that my team leader’s youngest has Down Syndrome, my very first thought (in my head only) was “I’m sorry”, but that was so quickly kicked out of my head! Why was I sorry? What for? She has a beautiful daughter, who is just different. (Aren’t we all different in our own ways?) Infertility, with all of its ugliness, has taught me how to be more compassionate, less judgmental and see more beauty in this world.

Being infertile has brought me to blogging and finding the ALI community, which in turn has shown me a whole new world. Many of the bloggers I have found, started following and communicating with are the same as me, yet also different. Many are now mothers (some to special needs children), some are not mothers and others are still trying to become the mothers they want to be. But every single blogger that I have had the privilege to read, no matter where they are in their life journey, has taught me how they want to be treated and what (not) to say**. How many not-so-positive life experiences have given you something positive back?

*I’m really encompassing the ALI community.

**I’m nowhere near perfect and don’t always know the exact words, but I try my hardest and definitely know what not to say in most cases!

This year’s mother’s day was much better than last year’s

Last year’s mother’s day was nothing like I expected or wanted: Mr Siili and I were grumping at each other, I didn’t get the recognition that I wanted and I was missing my mom something fierce. This year was quite different. Sure, I was and am still missing my mom, but Mr Siili and I were much better this year. And Paxlet is cuter than ever!

We didn’t do much for mother’s day, but it was enough and what I wanted. Mr Siili wanted to buy me flowers, but I told him I didn’t need or want them (I totally appreciate the thought though). He also tried to buy us breads I would like, foods I would like and every other little everyday things that we would buy while food shopping, but in a manner of my “likes” over all else. We didn’t really end up with many food selections that a much different than normal.  The biggest specialty of the weekend was the ahven (perch) filets we had for dinner on Sunday. Only because we don’t buy fish as often as we should/think about. And, the bread he “bought for me”, I didn’t have a single piece of it. LOL.

Mostly, we just spent the weekend together.

This is what I saw when I woke up and went downstairs. Mr Siili told me later that one of the papers had fallen down and Mansi was playing with it in the middle of the night.

This is what I saw when I woke up and went downstairs. Up close.

Paxlet made me a card and gift (hand-printed sun on a wash cloth) at daycare. It brought tears to my eyes when I opened it. He let me give him some extra hugs.

Paxlet's card and gift (hand-printed sun on a wash cloth) made at daycare.

My mom never wanted us to spend tons of money on her for mother’s day. She’d much rather we make her a card, be nice to her, wash her dishes or something else along those lines. I feel the same. But I was still please with this sweet gifts from Mr Siili. It’s a Daim/Skor covered marenki/meringue.

Mr's Siili's gift of Daim/Skor covered marenki/marengue .

I wasn’t in the mood to bake a cake,so we had Mother’s Day waffles! All of us enjoyed them!

Mother's Day waffles, by choice!

So, yeah, this year was much better than last year. And I can only hope future years will be the same or even better.

I did spend some of the day thinking of those who aren’t yet a mom in the way they want to be, those who have lost their mom’s and just women and moms in general. I hope you had a good Sunday, no matter where you are in your mother-journey.