6 years of blogging

I’ve had this blog for 6 years. It’s gone through several transitions and a name change, but I’m still here. I’ve blogged in other places (iVillage.com) and formats (my own webpage/journal/blog creation) before this, but this blog is the one that has stuck around. I started it around the the time I said good by to the Nuva Ring (birth control) for good. However, I didn’t start writing more regularly until a year and a half later when TTC just got me down and I needed a place to get it all out.

I may not be here as often as I was at some points, but this is still my little place on the web. I love the connections and friends I’ve made and the lives I’ve gotten to be a part of, even if only from a looking in through a window view. The ALI community saved me when I needed it most and felt like I was the only one, yet knowing I can’t be. I still remember it clearly: it was a post of Mel’s at Stirrup Queens who first showed me the ALI community (with her post about pomegranates) and that I didn’t have to be alone. I couldn’t get enough and stuck around.  And I’m still here.

Thoughts on round two

I’m 38 years old today*. In many ways, it’s just another day in the life of me. In other ways, it’s me getting another year older. I don’t feel any different than I did yesterday. Birthdays just are.

This birthday has been a good one. We, the three of us, went downtown for a late breakfast and bought some yummy desserts to bring home and eat. My goodness, were they yummy! Mr Siili and Paxlet made me a cute card with their hand prints drawn on it, some stickers stuck to it and Mr Siili colored it in.

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So many thoughts about being pregnant again. Some happy, some scared, but many scattered and confused.

I was going to call my clinic, where all of our previous treatments were done at and where we have 1 frozen embryo, as soon as they opened after summer holidays  (all of July). However, as AF was supposed to arrive on the 24th of July, I would have had to wait until the end of August. That is now a moot point. If this pregnancy sticks around, we won’t be using or needing that one little embryo.

I truly never thought I would get pregnant on my own, without lots of drugs and a doctor’s help. Yet, here I am. Why me? How did I/we get so lucky? Mind you, I’m not complaining, but this is what runs through my head. We’re excited, yet a bit scared.  Not about the pregnancy itself, but about bringing a new dimension into our happy family of three. As Mr Siili said to me, “we’re just getting used to this life with Paxlet”. How different is it going to be with another? Also, Paxlet has been so easy as a baby** and now a toddler. This second child could have colic, reflux, not want to sleep or a myriad other things. I know I dreamed about a sibling for Paxlet, but now that this is possibly happening, I’m a bit unsure and as I said, scared. Things will work themselves out, it will just take a bit of time.

Getting to experience pregnancy all over again is like  a dream come true!I truly enjoyed my pregnancy with Paxlet. I had very little morning sickness (mild nausea sometimes), I only spotted once around 7-8 weeks and my back didn’t kill me like I feared it would. Although, I do hope some things will be more relaxed as I know more of what to expect this time around. So far, I’m still checking for spotting each time i go to bathroom. Or maybe even more often. Some things die hard. I also can’t wait to do weekly pictures. I want to compare the differences in these pregnancies.

Twins? Oh no! Please no! I know the first time around I thought it would be sort of cool, but this time, no way. I know how much effort one baby takes, I don’t “need” two this time around. Looking a gift horse in the mouth much?

Again, gift horse. I’m sort of hoping for another boy. I know how boys are built now and I know what to do. But girls? They would have girlie parts! LOL. On a serious note, as always, I really just want that this baby sticks around and will be born healthy and happy.

I’m glad I’ve dragged my feet and that we still have most of Paxlet’s stuff. I have sold or given some things away, but the majority of it, we still have. We will need a new-to-us bouncy seat, nursing pillow and breast pads… I will also need some maternity clothes. I do still have my favorite black pants and those should work well during the winter! Yay!

This time around I’m going to tell some people earlier. I know that no matter what happens, I will tell these people. I would like their happiness and support no matter what. So far, I’ve told one of my brother’s (older of the two) already. I’ll tell I told my sister and my dad (& by default stepmom) if when we Skyped tonight. I will tell Mr Siili’s mom tomorrow (as for some silly reason Mr Siili doesn’t want to). I’m not sure about his siblings. They’ll learn at some point. My closest friends and I will be getting together on Thursday. I’ll tell them then. I’m excited about this and already know how I will tell them. *big grin* Work people can wait a bit, and FBb even longer.

All these thoughts, just swirling around in my head.This is such a strange place to be.

 

*So it’s after midnight here in Finland and technically no longer my birthday, but I haven’t gone to sleep yet, so I can still call it my birthday.

**Even when I was having a hard time with sleep and Pax wanting to be at my boobs all. Night. Long.

How’s this for irony?

So, I told Mr Siili that I’m pregnant. He reacted just about like I thought he would: Hmm, ok. And then we (ok, mostly me) proceeded to talk more about it later on.

How did I tell him? Well, Paxlet, Mr Siili and I were outside playing with water and I decided to go get the mail. A package had arrived for me! I knew what was in the package, but I waited until I got back to the house and showed the boys the package and then proceeded to open it. I pulled the box out of the package and showed it to Mr Siili. And then I told him it was sort of ironic that the OrganiCup (menstrual cup) package arrived today, because well, I’m pregnant and won’t be needing it for some time.

How’s that for ironic?

organicup

Holy Cow!

Took this at my in-laws a couple of weeks ago.

Took this at my in-laws a couple of weeks ago.

I totally did not expect this and am quite speechless. Although, it has been a few hours since I first tested, I’m gaining a bit more in the word department. Yes, you see that correctly, it’s a BFP!!

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By my calculations, AF should have arrived yesterday. So, today at lunch time, with lots of trepidation (a very full bladder) and sure in thought that if I went and bought a pregnancy test, AF would show immediately. Boy, was I wrong! And happily so.

The second line started showing almost immediately and this was before the 5 minutes was up to wait. I don’t remember it being this clear with Paxlet. I also didn’t start crying in the bathroom at work either. And have to stifle my tears at my desk. LOL.

I haven’t told Mr Siili yet. He’s still at work and I’m not sure how to tell him. Send a photo of the positive test? Our anniversary August 1st? Wait until his birthday next month (almost a month away)? On my birthday on Monday? Have Paxlet help make a cute sign for him to give daddy? Or just straight up tell him when he gets home?

In any case, I’m quite happy and excited, whatever may happen. This time around only took 15 cycles without medical intervention. I’m hoping for a sticky bean.

All my adult life, almost

Yet again, it’s been ages since I’ve actually written here. And again, I’ve composed several posts in my head, but that doesn’t get them typed up and published. I’ve got not excuses. I’ve been enjoying life with my boys, when not working.

*The dress I wore to the medieval fair (in the last post) is something I found at the Salvation Army over 20 years ago! I remember walking to (high) school, in the mornings, barefoot and even around the halls barefoot (eeew!) wearing this dress. It still fits quite nicely!

*My birthday is less than a week away. I’ll be 38 years old/young. You choose. I don’t feel any different, yet? It’s just another birthday and another year. I have no idea what I’ll be doing for my birthday, but I will be on holiday!
I bought myself an early birthday gift. Who am I kidding, I would have bought this regardless of how close or far my brithday was). I bought Diana Gabaldon‘s 8th book in the Outlander series: Written in my Own Heart’s Blood aka Moby. I haven’t started it yet, as I am still re-reading the entire series and I have only just started book 7. For the 3rd time (except book 7, this will only be the 2nd time)! Yes, I know! I love this series THAT much and I plan on reading it at least a few more times. It is THAT GOOD!
moby
Bonus belated birthday gift? The Outlander Tv show will air on Aug 2nd. However,  it will be a live streamed showing and most likely only in the US… Unfair! So, I most likely won’t get to see it until Aug 9th. That’s not that far off! *Squeal*

How does Diana Gabaldon’s books fit into “almost all my adult life”? Well, Outlander was first published in 1991. How did it take me so long to find it and start reading the series?!

*15 years ago today, I boarded a plane and headed for Finland with my residence permit in hand. I was 22 years young. All these years later, I’m still here. These 15 years here mean I’ve spent almost my entire adult life in Finland. Although, I really don’t know if I would consider myself an adult in the years 18-21/22 before moving here. I sure felt like a kid a lot of the time, even after moving here.

*I have a purse that I still carry around, which I bought in July of 1995 or 1996. My ex and I bought matching bags at the Oregon Country Fair. I’m sure he doesn’t have his any more, but I still love mine. It’s black albeit slightly faded and definitely used looking, with 5 pockets/pouches, one of which can lock and it holds everything I could ever need or want when out of the house. This purse has traveled everywhere with me. It has even had a bottle of blood red nail polish break in it not long after I bought it. I can still see bits of red here and there on the inside.

*Two of the 6 rings that I always wear have been with me for ages and ages. The dragon ring my mom bought me when I was 16. I love this ring! And the wire thin sterling band was an 18th birthday gift to myself. I bought this ring on an out of town trip, a 45 minute drive both ways, with 2 girl friends the very first time I got to drive my moms car out of town. I nearly killed us or at least severely injured us, in a stupid stupid not paying attention close enough when driving sort of way. I never told my mom about it.

 

On a not so life long note:
*Only 3 more working days and then we’re starting another 2 weeks of holiday.We don’t have much in the way of plans, but that is enough. We’ll do some things to keep Paxlet entertained, which is generally quite easy. I have a baby shower to go to and a girls day/evening sans kids. Mr Siili, Paxlet and I are also thinking of heading to visit Mummi and Pappa (my in-laws) again.

*Paxlet has not particularly liked me/us leaving him at the summer daycare these last 2 weeks. He cries when I leave him (and when Mr Siili is there too). My heart just breaks! I know he only cries for a few minutes, yet it is still so hard to leave him like that. Thankfully when I come pick him up in the afternoon, he is all cheery and happy, if a bit over excited to see me.

Our day at the Medieval Market

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. I am so done and over with AF.

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Not in order, here are some pictures from our day at the Medieval Market today. I didn’t get any pictures of the train ride home where the kids played with the “keep ‘em busy” stuff I put together for them, but they sure had a blast with it all.

It was a great day. The weather was perfect, the train fun, company amazing and all around good day. It’s late, Paxlet is sleeping and I’m tired. Good night!

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Hope

Hope. It’s what gives us strength to carry on TTC. It’s what gets us through each month of BFNs until we get pregnant, adopt, do surrogacy or resolve our TTC journey in some other way.

Hope is also what drives us crazy in the midst of it all.

I’m in the TWW. Mr Siili and I DTD twice around O. No symptoms at the moment, just like with Paxlet. I did have some very light pink, maybe it was spotting the other day, could it be implantation? It also isn’t too late/early for spotting/AF to arrive early.

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I started this post yesterday. I can’t be bothered to finish it today. My period arrived in full force this morning. Ugh.