7 years ago

…is when I last saw my mom. And so much has changed since then.

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Back to work

The kids and I survived our 8 weeks of summer holiday. We even thrived during some of that time. But it sure was challenging some days. I then had one more week all to myself, with the kids back at daycare and Mr Siili at work. It was bliss. I was lazy, cleaned a tiny bit, got my hair done, ate lunch downtown, slowly.

I do wish some of the days had a been a bit easier during the summer. Paxlet will soon be 5 years old. He is in a phase of not listening to us. We say something nicely/calmly several times and  he doesn’t acknowledge us in any way. When we raise our voice or yell, he say “yeah yeah” or starts crying. I know he’s a little boy with big emotions, but this is draining! And little Miss Tadbit (2yr 4 mo), she copies EVERYTHING her big brother does. ‘Peat and Repeat’ comes to mind. A a much better description of them than ‘monkey see, monkey do’, although that is valid too. She’s full of personality. And even the annoying things she does at times are still pretty cute, just because she is still young. I love my kids an insane amount, but they are challenging for me at times.

On my first day back at work, I barely manage to remember my computer password. Then I was still deactivated in the system, which thankfully only took a few minutes to solve. I had over 300 emails to go through. And basically just took my time getting back into the swing of things.

After work, as I was on the bus home, when I saw my bus in the lane next to us! I had hopped on the wrong bus! Thankfully it was easy enough to hop off at the next stop, take a 2nd bus, which brought me back around to my intended bus line home.

Then, at the library, a man working there did a double take at me and wondered/asked if I was the same woman who was with her 2 kids during the summer who spoke to said kids in English. (My hair color had changed since I was last there and I wasn’t with kids at this moment.) When I said it was me, he asked why I was speaking to them in English. When I replied that I am American, a little light bulb went off in his eyes. I’ve been asked this question before and I find it interesting. Either I look very Finnish (which I’ve been told I don’t do a bad job of it) and/or my Finnish language skills are so good that they think I’m a Finn (maybe, possibly, depending on what I’m talking about). However, I don’t think this specific guy heard me speak Finnish. I’m not sure what to think about this. Mostly I’m just amused.

So, the kids are back in daycare. I’m back at work. And life is back to normal again.

I’m going to be an aunt

A bit ago, my sister informed the family that she is pregnant. I’m thrilled for her! It’s only slowly dawning on me that I’m going to be an aunt! I’m thrilled for me. (I only wish I lived closer.)

MicroblogMonday For more microposts, go visit Mel’s post at Stirrup Queens.

I’m here.

Happy Midsummer! It’s been a long while since I’ve written anything, but after reading Mel’s current post today, I felt prompted to at least come and say hi.

I think I’ve been depressed lately. And by lately, I mean somewhere around 9 or so months. Maybe more. Maybe it was just winter. In any case, I felt no desire to do anything creative, couldn’t be bothered to do any of the things I knew I needed to do (only Paxlet has a valid passport still) and felt like I was shit at everything. Talk about being down on your own self. It wasn’t like this every single day, but most days (even now still to some extent) I was able to get by without thinking about anything and it would be an okay day. And then there were days it would just all crash in on me.

I know some of my down-ness is due to a lack of meeting up with friends (co-workers just don’t cut it). I am a social person and need some time now and then with girl friends. To chat, shoot the breeze and just be girls. That doesn’t happen very often anymore. I don’t know how or where to find new or more friends. It seems like all attempts I have made just leave me with less friends.

Right at this moment, the kids and I are nearing the end of week 2 of an 8 week holiday/break. Mr Siili will have 4 weeks off this summer: this week and next, and then 2 more in a couple of weeks. I wanted to take advantage of this last chance to be home for the entire summer with the kids, but at the same time I have felt/feel that I am a bit crazy for doing this. Paxlet loves to whinge and not listen and Tadbit monkeys EVERYTHING her older brother does. I’m trying to feel gratitude and enjoyment with my kids and not just wait for bedtime each evening and feel like I am only surviving. I want to thrive with my kids. Getting to bed earlier each night would probably help some with this feeling. But evenings/nights are my time.

I have been taking lots of photos and posting them to Instagram. It makes me happy. It is my place to post all of the mundane, silly and random pictures that I think everyone on FB or elsewhere in my life would get sick of or just not give a rat’s bum about. I only follow those I want, because I want to. Not because they are my friend/family/following me. If you want to check me out, I’m hopea.lohikaarme (silver dragon).

I’m not sure if I’m back to writing here regularly or not yet, but I’m not gone. At least not permanently.

#MicroblogMonday – Told you so

I hope there is a day that someone can say “I told you so” in relation to my son, and probably daughter, speaking English. I just feel so deflated and disheartened when Paxlet doesn’t speak English. I know he could, if he wanted and tried, but he doesn’t want to and only randomly tries, so he doesn’t speak it well. Tadbit seems to be going the same way. She has been wowing us with many new words a week lately, but all in Finnish. In fact, if I tell her/use the English one, she disagrees with me on it! LOL

The kids are in Finnish daycare all day, have a Finnish dad and only me for English. Once they are in school, there are city run programs for multi-lingual families, but we’ve got another 1,5 years (only?! ack!) before he starts preschool/kindergarten (at age 6).

I never thought about languages this way. Nor that it would be so difficult to get my kids to speak my mother tongue.

I don’t really have much to offer or ask for. I’m just mussing and hoping (again) that things will change in the future.

MicroblogMonday For more microposts, go visit Mel’s post at Stirrup Queens.

#MicroblogMonday – My Heart 

​The sweetest gift I’ve gotten in ages. Paxlet was at the store with his dad, saw this and wanted to buy it for me. With his own money even. It was only 0,20 cents, but he didnt know that when he picked it out. My boy has my heart.

What did Paxlet remember from the weekend, when asked by the daycare lady? Momma got a new winter jacket that is warm and not green, so I might not be recognized when I pick up the kids. I’m also happy about my new jacket. 

#MicroblogMonday – This and That #5 aka Mind-dump Monday

Welcome to the next year, everyone! I hope 2017 is kind to you and that it lives up to your expectations.

Sorry for the long post today, but this has all been percolating in my brain for some time.

I learned about my good friend’s daughter’s diagnosis of depression last week. It’s sad to see it affect someone so young. She’s only 7. If you have any book suggestions or resources where they can look, I’d love to be able to pass it on to them.

I’m glad Xmas is over. Such a build up to the event and then it’s over in an evening/morning. Many years it feels as if I stress and stress and it doesn’t really go like I planned or thought it would be in my head. This year was no different. Both kids were mildly sick (fever and snuffly-coughs), so we didn’t make it to the cousins for Xmas. It would have been the first time, ever. We didn’t have a tree, but we did have decorations we made and lots of Xmas food I made. I don’t know what exactly it is I expect of or from Xmas, but I was bummed. However, as I drove to the cousins’ house to drop off/pick up gifts, I cried and worked out my stress and frustrations. Xmas is about being with family. This year it was going to be with the cousins, instead of at my in-laws (or my own family, which has been waaay too long). When that didn’t work out, I was upset. But then it dawned on me, I have my own family now! A family that I have longed for and wanted for so long. That realization helped me calm down and mostly remain focused on what I wanted from Xmas this year: to see my kids (and Mr Siili) happy and loved. It worked.

I did get to Skype with my family on Xmas eve (their morning). It was great to see them all in one place at one time. I still missed my Mom.

I’ve been feeling quite down on myself lately. I feel like I am not good enough. At many things. Being a mom, wife, worker, person. It sucks.

I got my Mirena IUD, had a week of nothing and then I started spotting/lightly bleeding, which has now lasted for 2+ weeks. Yay.

For 3-4 weeks leading up to Xmas, I had excruciating back pain. I’ve had back pain off and on since I was 14 and a passenger in a car wreck. This time, however, it was bad, very bad. Many days a paracetamol would only take the edge off. The pain was bad enough I went to the doctor for it. She prescribed me a week’s worth of mega-pain meds and some muscle relaxants (I only took a couple day’s worth). After the week of mega-pain meds my back was fine for a day or two and since then the pain has crept back. I head to the physiotherapist tomorrow morning. If he can’t help, I’ll head back to the doctor in another couple of weeks to see what happens next. I’m tired of back pain.

I need to stop eating so much sweets. And not just for the holidays, but all times.

When I was at the post office before Xmas to mail my cards, there was an addressed post card that didn’t have a stamp. Someone dropped it and didn’t notice. I felt bad that the receiver wouldn’t get their card, so I paid for the postage (,80 cents).
Then the next day, I found 24 euros worth of stamps on the ground. There was a receipt in the bag with them, showing that they had been paid by a debit card. I returned the stamps back to the store in hopes that they would be able to return the money to the card. I’m assuming it happened like that because the store never contacted me to come get the stamps. I would have felt guilty every time I used one of those stamps if I had kept them without trying to return them first.

I love my kids! Even if they drive me bat-shit crazy at times.
Paxlet is so smart, inquisitive and observant about the world around him. He loves his little sister. He tells her “Sä ot mun pikku sisko” (You are my little sister) and it melts my heart every time. Yet, he whines and moans about everything I do or don’t do. (Why is putting one’s clothes on such a difficult task sometimes?)
Tadbit is the cutest and most stuborn drama queen there is. We’re going to be in trouble. For now, it’s just cute when she dramatically pouts when we tell her to not hit the cat, take a smaller bite or not throw things. She’s consistently saying 2 words together and more and more 3-word sentences every day. She also growls. I think she might have gotten some of that from me.

Our house NEEDS to be de-cluttered. I need to just give up on the idea of trying to sell things on FB and donate the stuff. We need it out of our house more than we need the money.

We crafted quite a bit during December. But those were kid-friendly crafts. I finally got my sewing machine out yesterday and did some adult crafting! I made two reusable veggie-fruit bags. I had only been meaning to make these for a couple of months. They are from all recycled material. I can’t wait to try them out next time I go food shopping.

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And that’s some of what has been in my head. How was/is your first Monday of the year?

MicroblogMonday For more microposts, go visit Mel’s post at Stirrup Queens.