FB posts from the other side

These days I generally enjoy getting the Memories notifications from FB. Some status updates are totally vague and who knows what the hell was going on in my life on that day x years ago. But many of them help me recall the memories just like they were yesterday. The ones that are more difficult to handle are the updates closer an unpleasant memory, such as my mom’s death.  The year before or after and days leading up to THE day. Those one generally hit me with a ton of bricks.

But the ones that don’t sting as much, are the updates the year before I was pregnant or the year I was pregnant (with my eldest). Seeing updates during the year(s) before, I can remember the yearning I had to become a parent and the misery I went through during that time while trying to get pregnant and not knowing if it would happen.

For example, 8 years ago today I posted “bleh”. Insightful, huh? But…knowing the timing of life then (and reading past bog posts), I know CD1 was a few days earlier and we were gearing up for IVF round #2. Today’s 8 year old post might not have anything to do with infertility, but it makes me think of it none the less.

On the flip side, the posts that are most fun and exciting to see are the ones during my first pregnancy, even if I didn’t mention pregnancy issues in the FB post. (I didn’t really post much about either of my pregnancies on FB. Can you say traumatized/understanding infertile?) Knowing now that I was finally pregnant and what I was experiencing then, FINALLY, is just way cool to remember.

So, FB isn’t always bad. That said, I should probably spend less time wandering around it anyway.

I hope your 2019 has gotten off to a decent start and continues to be good for you.

#MicroblogMonday – Great and not as I expected news

Great news first: I won a 50€ gift certificate! It was because of this photo below and the hair dye I used: Hermans professional, Bella Blue (and Patsy Purple). I can’t wait to get more hair dye and have a rainbow on my head.


And now the not as I expected news: I had my pre-op appointment this morning to get my tubes closed, but I might not be able to get it done because of my endometriosis. I wanted to cry as I left the office. I’ve been waiting since the beginning of the year for this appointment and my endo has to go and screw it up. I’ve always disliked this totally silent, pain-free and symptomless partner of mine.

I can’t remember what (how much endo) was found when I had my laprascopic surgery back in November 2009. But if there was a decent amount found and removed, I should now stay on hormonal birth control to help keep the endometriosis calm and at bay. I am using NuvaRing now, but I could switch to the Mirena IUD instead.

I’m now waiting again. The doctor has asked from the hospital for my surgery details. Once she gets that, she’ll send me her final recommendation of how to proceed. I’m quite sure she’ll recommend no surgery and to continue with the hormonal birth control.

Do you have any experience with the Mirena IUD that you’re willing to share? 

MicroblogMonday For more microposts, go visit Mel’s post at Stirrup Queens.

#MicroblogMonday – On the other side

I remembered, then forgot, remembered again, forgot once more and then it just became pointless to write a “MicroblogMonday on Thursday” post. I set an alarm on my phone to remind me today is Monday and that I want to blog. The alarm went off hours ago and I almost forgot again.
Anyway, on to what I really wanted to say.

Tadbit will soon be 10 months old (and Paxlet 3 years 5 months old). I am so done having kids. I was ecstatic beyond words when Paxlet was born. I would have been happy to have him as an only child, I told myself. Because, you know, I finally got to be a parent like I wanted. And then along came our little surprise. A sibling for our Paxlet. And now I can say with 100% honesty, the two of them have made me complete*.

Now, each month when AF is due to arrive, I find myself a little anxiously waiting for her to show up (and then immediately go away once confirmation has been made). Especially when we haven’t used any protection and last month when I was two days late! I did go get myself the Nuvaring, (even if I did say I’d not use hormonal birth control again) until my sterilization (tubal?) surgery happens sometime later this year.

I can’t believe I am on the other side of the IF bridge/journey. I’m not sure I ever imagined myself here. Yet, here I am.

*Plus, I feel too old to go through pregnancy and early baby days again.

MicroblogMonday For more microposts, go visit Mel’s post at Stirrup Queens.

My IVF clinic in the news

Yesterday, in my local newspaper, was an article about a woman in her 30’s who was diagnosed with cancer, had her chemo treatments and then went on to do IVF and get pregnant. Before she started chemotherapy treatments, to try and preserve her fertility, the clinic took some of her ovarian tissue and froze it. After her treatments were done, the clinic put the tissue back in her. Four months later, she had her first period and then the clinic did a round of IVF. The fresh cycle didn’t work but she did get pregnant with a frozen embryo transfer (FET). Pretty amazing don’t you think?

The article states that this has been done 4 times in Finland, but that this is the first time a baby will be born due to this procedure. In addition, there are over 40 other babies in the world where this is how they got their start.

This is amazing news and I’m just in awe over it!

27 weeks, #2

Happy New Year! I thought about writing a year end post, but just couldn’t be bothered. Instead, you get this, a weekly update.

Whether it has been the impending year end or just that time of pregnancy, I’ve been having some shocking realizations on how far along I am in this pregnancy and just how little time I have left until labour and delivery will be here. OMG!

I am in the third trimester now. I know some places calculate it as the 27th week and others the 28th week. I am happy calling this week the start of the 3rd trimester. Two-thirds of the way there.

Assuming Tadbit is born around her EDD, I will have 13 more weeks of pregnancy. Soon will be single digit weeks. Yikes!

It also means I am 7 months along. How the heck did this happen?!

I also realized this last week, that I have less than two months at work! That’s 7,5 weeks of work left. My last working day is February 25th.  Wow!

This is it! The home stretch is nearing. Ack!

I’m in a private April ’05 birth group on FB, which moved from the Baby Centre boards. Being that this group is from the UK site, most everyone is British. And they talk about British things. *grin* I’ve learned some new things and definitely some new words. One of the things I learned about is the TV show One Born Every Minute. (There’s a US version too, I’ve been told.) This has been interesting to watch and a reminder of what was with Paxlet and what is to come with Tadbit. I think I’m now slightly freaked out by going through labor again. Yet, I can’t stop watching the shows (on you.tube). The first time around with Paxlet, I believe it was ignorance is bliss…this time I KNOW what will happen and the pain it brings. LOL. However, I wouldn’t even consider an elective Cesarian.

I can’t sit straight in a chair with my legs together. It just isn’t comfortable and not really possible as my bump is in the way. I noticed this last week, but forgot to write about it.

Even though I am 27 weeks along and in my second uneventful pregnancy, TP checks still happen. Maybe I don’t check as vigilantly or with as much fear/urgency as in the beginning whenever I felt something coming out of my ladybits, but TP checks still happen.

I realized, again, that we don’t have a car seat yet! Last time we were loaned one. This time, I need to decide whether we buy one brand new or if I buy one used; from someone I don’t know and have to trust that they are truthful about the car seat never being in an accident. Finns are as a whole truthful and trustworthy people, but this is my baby’s safety we’re talking about. What would you do?

My face has gotten a bit round. With Paxlet, I’m not sure if I noticed it or not. At least I don’t think I did during pregnancy. Afterward, I would look at my weekly pictures and yowzers! had my face gotten fat and round, compared to what I normally look like. This time around, I have actually noticed it. And I don’t like it. I will never let myself get fat, so long as I have any control over it.

My bump has definitely grown in the last week or so. At least two pairs of pants are snug and not fitting so comfortably as before. The same goes with a couple of maternity shirts. Do I really have to worry about buying more maternity clothes?! I haven’t even found winter pants yet!

Last few days, some part of Tadbit has been situated in the upper right side of my bump, just under my ribs. Sometimes it feels like she is stretching up in the area and when she does, talk about really uncomfortable if I don’t sit up very straight.

I’ve been having so much pressure in my lower pelvic area. I’ve also been having quite a few Braxton Hicks. Especially when standing. They are more common in the afternoon and especially evening, but lately I’ve been having them in the morning too. I will be talking to the midwife about this during the next neuvola appointment next week.

I had a meltdown over pizza this week. Paxlet was in bed and Mr Siili and I were going to watch something. I decided I needed to cook a frozen spinach pizza first. I turned the oven on and waited for it to heat up. After a while Mr Siili went to check on the oven and I had only turned the light on. Cue a bit of moaning. Once the oven did warm up, I put the pizza in. After 12-13 minutes I went to get my pizza and it was very done. Cue some whining. The temperature was a 250C instead of 220C. I was sure I put it at the correct temp, but Mr Siili says he didn’t touch it. As I cut up the pizza, Mr Siili pulls out a plate. I put some slices on the plate and he rearranges them. I ask what he is doing and he says he is moving his pieces so they cool down. Cue anger and tears. I didn’t say I was making pizza for him! And he didn’t say he wanted any, plus he doesn’t like these pizzas, so why is he wanting some now!? I cried and stormed at him for a bit and refused to eat the pizza. He went back to his game, I went back to my computer. After a while of neither of us talking, I eventually got the pizza and ate it huffily. It was over cooked and now cold. It still sort of hit the spot.

After a dash into the store with Paxlet yesterday, I realized that (food) shopping will never be the same again. At least not for a long time. Paxlet is getting to the age that he doesn’t HAVE to be in a cart for us to shop. He listens to me quite well and enjoys helping put things in a pull basket, if we are quick. However, I am getting more clumsy, slow and achy with this pregnancy, so shopping, alone, with Paxlet just isn’t easy. Even in the best of circumstances. Once Tadbit gets here, there won’t be a “just pop into the store” option anymore…..

Good bye little frozen embryo

Three years ago at the end of November/beginning of December we were finishing up our third and final fresh round of IVF through the public health system. From this round, we ended up with 3 embryos. Two of these were transferred into my uterus (one of these became Paxlet) and one was frozen. Our clinic will keep embryos frozen fro 3 years, without any charge. Knowing this, I was ready to call them at the beginning of August this year to do our very last FET with our final lonely little embryo. This never happened, as I magically fell pregnant in the cycle just before August.

While we were in the US, we received a letter asking what we wanted to do with our last embryo:
1. Store it for another 3 years for 321€.
2. Use it now.
3. Donate it to “science” for stem cell research.
4. Have it destroyed.

For me it was a no-brainer decision: donate it for stem cell research. We won’t be using it. We are done growing our family. Even if shit hits the fan with this pregnancy, I think know we are done. Mr Siili and I filled in the consent papers and I put the envelope in the mail today. There is no going back now.

Good bye little embryo! I am not sad about this good bye. You gave me hope during the last 3 years. You were the “what-if” if we ever decided to try one last time. In the end, we have been fortunate enough to not need you. I am ready to let you go and do what you can in hopes of helping others.

6 years of blogging

I’ve had this blog for 6 years. It’s gone through several transitions and a name change, but I’m still here. I’ve blogged in other places (iVillage.com) and formats (my own webpage/journal/blog creation) before this, but this blog is the one that has stuck around. I started it around the the time I said good by to the Nuva Ring (birth control) for good. However, I didn’t start writing more regularly until a year and a half later when TTC just got me down and I needed a place to get it all out.

I may not be here as often as I was at some points, but this is still my little place on the web. I love the connections and friends I’ve made and the lives I’ve gotten to be a part of, even if only from a looking in through a window view. The ALI community saved me when I needed it most and felt like I was the only one, yet knowing I can’t be. I still remember it clearly: it was a post of Mel’s at Stirrup Queens who first showed me the ALI community (with her post about pomegranates) and that I didn’t have to be alone. I couldn’t get enough and stuck around.  And I’m still here.