I’m here.

Happy Midsummer! It’s been a long while since I’ve written anything, but after reading Mel’s current post today, I felt prompted to at least come and say hi.

I think I’ve been depressed lately. And by lately, I mean somewhere around 9 or so months. Maybe more. Maybe it was just winter. In any case, I felt no desire to do anything creative, couldn’t be bothered to do any of the things I knew I needed to do (only Paxlet has a valid passport still) and felt like I was shit at everything. Talk about being down on your own self. It wasn’t like this every single day, but most days (even now still to some extent) I was able to get by without thinking about anything and it would be an okay day. And then there were days it would just all crash in on me.

I know some of my down-ness is due to a lack of meeting up with friends (co-workers just don’t cut it). I am a social person and need some time now and then with girl friends. To chat, shoot the breeze and just be girls. That doesn’t happen very often anymore. I don’t know how or where to find new or more friends. It seems like all attempts I have made just leave me with less friends.

Right at this moment, the kids and I are nearing the end of week 2 of an 8 week holiday/break. Mr Siili will have 4 weeks off this summer: this week and next, and then 2 more in a couple of weeks. I wanted to take advantage of this last chance to be home for the entire summer with the kids, but at the same time I have felt/feel that I am a bit crazy for doing this. Paxlet loves to whinge and not listen and Tadbit monkeys EVERYTHING her older brother does. I’m trying to feel gratitude and enjoyment with my kids and not just wait for bedtime each evening and feel like I am only surviving. I want to thrive with my kids. Getting to bed earlier each night would probably help some with this feeling. But evenings/nights are my time.

I have been taking lots of photos and posting them to Instagram. It makes me happy. It is my place to post all of the mundane, silly and random pictures that I think everyone on FB or elsewhere in my life would get sick of or just not give a rat’s bum about. I only follow those I want, because I want to. Not because they are my friend/family/following me. If you want to check me out, I’m hopea.lohikaarme (silver dragon).

I’m not sure if I’m back to writing here regularly or not yet, but I’m not gone. At least not permanently.

Who’s forty?

There are 3 summer workers in my team at work. They are getting ready to head back to school this next week and so today they brought in cake for us all. While we were eating the cake, the girls were asked their age, by another co-worker. The girls are 22, 22 and 24. In that moment, I felt numerically old andblurted out that I could be their mom! With shocked looks on their face, I told them I was 40 and that my youngest brother is 23 and at the time he was born, a high school friend had her first kid, so, I could be their mom. The older one told me she would never have guessed me at forty.

After work, I went to buy a new eye liner. I told the lady there that I think it is about time I bought a new one, as the one I am using is 17 or so years old and finally almost gone. Due mainly to use in the last year, as I decided I was going to  be 40, it was time to do a little something about my looks. She too said I didn’t look forty and I must be doing something right with my face.

It sure felt good to hear I don’t look forty, twice, because I sure don’t feel forty.

 

#MicroblogMonday – All drugged up

I got new allergy and asthma medications (aka drugs) today!

The new allergy meds shouldn’t make me tired. Yay! More nose spray and eye drops. Yay! And I even got a new asthma med. I was diagnosed 10 years ago with asthma and I’ve never had a different medication. After explaining that I still have some mucous-like stuff* in my throat when I take my medication regularly, the doctor said it sounded like I should try something a bit stronger. Fingers crossed I’ll be back to somewhat normal soon.

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Who would think that the arrival of these cute, little green leaves could make someone’s life so miserable? It’s true! Birch pollen is the bane of my existence right now. Have you ever wanted to dig your eyeballs out with a spoon? No? Well, maybe it’s just me then.

We just had the most beautiful 4 day weekend, Mr Siili took Friday off! Sun, a tiny breeze and temperatures around 22C/70F. And I was miserable from allergies and asthma the whole weekend. It didn’t stop me from going outside, who in their right mind would stay inside during the first really nice weather we’ve gotten this year?! Not this allergy and asthma suffering girl. Plus, the beautiful weather continues!

Anyone else suffering with allergies? What helps relieve the symptoms for you?

*The thick mucous stuff isn’t that bad, mostly annoying. But what I have found myself doing is clearing my throat and then spitting (when outside) to get rid of it. I really don’t want to teach my kids to spit all the time, so I hope this new medication helps. Yes, I could discreetly spit into a tissue, but I just don’t have one at the ready all the time. For snotty noses…that’s another (t)issue.

MicroblogMonday For more microposts, go visit Mel’s post at Stirrup Queens.

 

The “me” on the inside

For the most part, I’ve always dressed pretty normal and nothing that outlandish. During my last two years of high school*, where I finally felt like I fit in, I dressed “hippy chick”-ish and also grunge-ish. Both styles in the same week, most likely. I got my nose pierced when I was 16 almost 17 (1993) and dyed my hair with Kool-aid a few times and even used Forest Green Manic Panic once. But for the most part, the outside me looked pretty normal.

My friends at the time dressed much more out there than me. They wore their… genre? style? personality? …much more out there for all to see. Some of my friends were skaters, punks, gutter punks (think train-hopping stinky and dirty *grin* it was true!), grunge and then there was my BFF who was very hippy chick (patchouli anyone?). All the same, but individual in our own way. We were “The Corner People“. The only other person who had their nose pierced at the time was a guy. He pierced his septum (you know, like where bull’s have the ring?) himself! This guy also stapled his pants to his legs because…I don’t remember why. And he had an amazing mo-hawk! Until he chopped it off one day, but that’s another story. This guy was very…punk.

But me, even to this day, I’m not sure how I fit in the group. Or how or why they accepted me. (But I am thankful they did!)

The inside me…that’s a whole different me. The inside me loves gothic, punk, piercings, tattoos, grunge, skater and more. I see people dressed in any of those different styles while out and about and I just want to smile at them**, admire their clothes/hair/whatever. But because I look so “normal” I am worried they’ll think I’m…a fake? a wanna be? I just don’t know how to wear those styles on a regular basis and pull it off. I also feel that the lifestyle I have chosen just doesn’t fit any of those. I’m still a pretty normal looking girl. Well, except now that I have green hair!

I have green hair! Somehow, this green hair on the outside of me has made me feel a bit more like the inside me. I can now be seen walking down the street (pushing a stroller) with my green hair. I sort of feel like I have a bit of street cred now.

My gosh this all sounds silly now that I’ve written it all down. Basically, the outer me feels a bit more like the inner me these days.

*We moved across town to the other nearby town, thus my switching high schools.

**I’ve lived in Finland too long. If you smile at or talk to anyone on the street/bus, you are either a) drunk or b) foreigner. Ok, maybe not really…but well, yeah it still does hold some truth. LOL

Pole dancing and Aurora Borealis

These two things have nothing in common except for the fact that I did former and saw the later tonight!

This was me second time ever trying pole dancing. The first was at a bachelorette party years ago.I’ve thought that experience over the years and longingly watched the studio near my work for some time. Finally I went at a friend’s urging. We had fun! But I am going to hurt from the tops of my fingers all the way down to the tips of my toes. And some new bruises to boot. I can’t wait to go back and do it again.

Before tonight, I have only ever seen the northern lights once. And that was up in lapland, as we were getting on the train to head back home. Most nights when the lights have been visible in my town, I either don’t hear about it until the next day, it is cloudy or I can’t be bothered to stay awake and go outside in the middle of the (cold) night. Tonight, I went out there! I drove 3 minutes away (literally) to get to a bit darker place to be able to see the northern lights. And I did see them! They are strong, moving and all over the sky. Amazing!