In the 1WW and some candid thoughts

So, uhm, yeah, next week on Friday morning, I get to POAS if AF hasn’t already shown up. I guess we’ll see what happens, won’t we?

At this point in time, I’m feeling totally indifferent to it all. I’m not excited about the possibility of being pregnant, if anything I’m sort of dreading it. I know! Who would have thunk, that after almost 3,5 years of trying to get pregnant, that I’d dread getting pregnant? I have my reasons though and I’m going to share them with you.

First off, I’ve been thinking about it for some time now that maybe we/I should take a break from TTC. I mean, it has been almost 3,5 years, with close to 2 of those years adding hormones to my body. Also, once we’ve gone through our 3 rounds of IVF and any FETs at the public clinic, I’m done. If we wanted to continue with fertility treatments, we’d need to go through a private clinic. I’m not sure Mr Siili will agree to that. I’m afraid he’ll say we have tried what we can and if 3 rounds, what more can be done? I’m also afraid he won’t be willing to shell out the added cash any more.

Also, I worry at times that maybe Mr Siili and I just won’t make a good family. We argue over the stupidest of stuff. Thankfully not too often. But many of our heated discussions are over the same exact things that we’ve been discussing for years on end. We just don’t seem to know how to resolve them. Mr Siili doesn’t want to go to counseling and I’m too chicken and lazy to go on my own. I’m also not sure if Mr Siili really wants to be a dad. Sure, if it happens he’d step up to the plate and be a great dad, most of the time. But then there are those times that worry me a bit.

More recently, finances. We’re in the process of talking to banks to see if we can get a loan for our new place. A loan that will own us for the next 23-25 years! And right now, we’re operating off of one income, some unemployment and some savings, but savings only go so far. Especially with a loan looming. I also haven’t been the bestest about finances and making a financial plan. That’s not to say that I’ve been totally horrible either, just not as good and efficient as I should be. Yes, I know I work in the finance department at my work, but I work in a specific area and with specific tasks. Yes, I also know I went to Int’l Business School, but a lot of what they taught us there was crap and not always useful in the day to day world. Sad, but true.

Along this finance line of thought, Mr Siili is concerned that I’m trying to make my decision to stop TTC for a while a “financial decision”, which he says it isn’t. We aren’t trying to get pregnant for the sake of saving money or to gain money. Money is just money and it is something we need to live, but at the same time it shouldn’t stop us from living life (to an extent).

To tie all of these thoughts and concerns together, I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never become a mom. (No, I don’t think adoption is an option for us.) This scares the crap out of me. I’m not ready to think this or admit this might be a possibility, but I really do think I need to start thinking about it. Right this instant, I don’t feel as if I could live a fulfilled life without a kid and that’s a pretty bad place to be. So, in trying not to get my hopes up or let my hopes down, I’m indifferent. I’d also like to know whether or not I need to continue leaking progesterone from my lady bits on a daily basis or not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I’ll be elated (and worried) if I do get a BFP next week.

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First home owner’s meeting

Today was our first home owner’s meeting and I’m feeling totally scared shitless!! This will be the first home (half of a duplex) either of us will have owned. It is expensive, scary and a little bit exciting. I sure hope it will be more exciting at some point.

So many thoughts are running through my head and I’m not sure where to start:
a brand new home half of a duplex, all our own! It’ll be ready in a year.
choosing wallpaper, floor tiles, kitchen counter tops, lighting, etc
there’s sure to be disagreements and arguments
money, I hope DH gets a job soon
two ladies were very pregnant, one couple had their baby with them, others have kids. we have 2 cats
I ache that I’m not even a little bit pregnant
what the heck are they talking about? I understand many of the individual words in Finnish, but when they are strung together and spoken so quickly, I’m lost
panic, hold the tears in until we get into the car or even better yet, home

Now that I got that out, let me see if I can make sense of some of it.

This new home of ours is being built from scratch. The workers started on it a month or two ago and it will be ready in just under a year’s time. Since we are in on this project from the beginning, we get to choose what things look like. There’s wallpaper, floor tiles and kitchen counters to decide on. De we want extra plug-ins, change the lighting set-up or have a wood stove in the place? So many things to figure out and decide! And I’m not a stylish house decorating type of person. WTF do I know about this sort of stuff? My apartments and personal spaces have always been eclectic in substance and “style”. This will be our place, they won’t stop us from choosing the most hideous combo of colors or textures (except to charge more for some things). I want to have a grown up home. Albeit one that is lived in and not one that looks like it is straight from a fashion magazine. I’m tired feeling like a kid trying to be a grown up. (I’m not sure I’ll ever succeed.)
I’m also very sure that DH and I will have many a arguments during this time. I’m quite sure they won’t be over the bathroom sink, as we seem to be in agreement on that item.But I have a feeling there will be heated words over wallpaper, me not understanding Finnish, him being tired to translate and so on. I don’t want this, but I know it is inevitable. *sigh*
DH seems to think we were one of the oldest couples there tonight. Although, it is quite often hard to judge how old people are. We are told we look younger than what we are (me 34, him 36). But it was obvious that several were younger than us and then others…no clue! In one couple, the guy looked young and the lady much older. Even if we are older than most, we don’t have kids. That hurts. Especially seeing the baby and pregnant ladies. There’s going to be many young kids when we move in. I’ll be lucky if I’m ready to deliver by the time move in.
I do speak Finnish. I may not speak or understand it fluently, but I do a pretty good job with my Finnish. Even if DH doesn’t give me enough credit for it, in my opinion. I think it partly has to do with the fact that we speak English together, always! But, when there are so many technical words, being spewed out at me rapid-fire like, I just don’t understand it all! So, I sit there trying to listen, follow along and understand, but it’s just useless at times. And when the topic is something as important as our house, I really would like to know what is going on.
And now the wind in my sails is finally dying out. I’m still scared and worried, but I’m also hopeful and excited.
The last thing that is in my mind this evening is the fact that this was the first place we looked at when we started looking for a house to buy. In fact, it was the only place (besides some online searches) we looked at! And it isn’t even built yet! All I can think why can’t everything be this easy? Not EVERYTHING has to be so damn freaking hard to accomplish!