IF feelings don’t go away just because you are pregnant

This weekend Mr Siili and I attended my SIL and BIL’s combined birthdays. It has surprisingly been quite an interesting experience for me. There has been kids of every age there; from almost 17 years old to those still baking (me and another lady). While looking at these families, I have found my thoughts ranging from jealousy, to comradery, to pride and everything in between.

The jealousy comes from feeling (and knowing) that all (most) of these families have been able to become a family easily. I also can’t help but feel, still, why not me? Why have I had to take so long to get even get pregnant, when so many others have been able to have several kids? I know there is no answer, but the thoughts and feelings just don’t go away.

On the other hand, being as visibly pregnant as I am now, there is no way anyone can mistake me for anything but being pregnant. And this makes me feel a bit connected to those women who already have kids. I will soon know what they have gone through and I will get to join their club that I have been denied for so long.

(Mr Siili came to talk to me right after I wrote the last bit and I tried explaining to him how I am loving being pregnant and that I don’t want to hurry it along, but I can’t wait until Paxlet is here and how I’ll belong to THAT club. Then I started crying. Stupid pregnancy hormones.)

I also can’t help but feel very proud of my body. Finally, some how, some way, my body overcame its brokenness. I know this doesn’t mean my body isn’t still broken in the future if we decide to try for another kid, but for now, it’s working! This feeling of blending in with the fertiles, or at least looking as if I do, feels kind of neat and gives a sense of pride. Even if I know in my mind the truth of it all.

Really, there are just so many thoughts in my head that it’s sort of hard to get them all straight and coherent in my head and in black and white words. What it all boils down to is that even though I have succeeded in getting pregnant (and soon give birth to our little boy) I’m still infertile and these not so pleasant and conflicted thoughts most likely won’t ever go away.

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When, Not If

Since my therapist appointment yesterday, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about using “when” and not “if” when talking about my/our future now that I am pregnant. But this sure is difficult!

I can remember before we ever started TTC, I would quite often talk to my friends about “when I’m a mom” or “when I have kids”, etc. And then we did start TTC and I was even more excited about “when” I’d finally be a mom and “when” I’d get to do stuff with my kids. Even after TTC for a year and a half, plus surgery, I will still quite optimistic about “when”. I’m quite sure that even during the first couple of cycles with IUIs, I was still talking about “when”.

What I don’t remember is when my “whens” turned to “ifs”. How did I start thinking and talking about “if I get pregnant” or “if I ever become a mom”? How did it happen that when talking with my friends, I no longer got as excited to tell them “when I have a kid, we’re going to…”?

Even now, when I am 9 weeks pregnant and the therapist asked me to describe “how my life will be in a year, when all things go correct”, how come it was so hard to tell her my plans “when”? I was so unsure in my telling our future and how I see things when all things go correct, that I had to do it two times. The second telling I had to take my time and choose my words carefully. I had to think about using “when” and not “if” or “hopefully” or “maybe”. It really was difficult! But when I did manage to tell how I see our future “when”, it sure felt great! It was like this little gate popped open inside of me. (I am sure I got a goofy grin on my face.) I was able to peak through the gate and start to see that there really could be a great future “when” everything goes well. And that is what has been happening since. I’ve been slowly thinking more and more of “when” and not “if”.

So, here’s my story I told the therapist about “when” things go great and where I see us in a year:
When I give birth to my baby this summer, my family (dad, siblings and maybe even stepmom) will come visit us. We’ll have been in our new home for a while, so they’ll have a place to stay with us and not need a hotel. Mr Siili will still be working at his job and he’ll like what he is doing (even if he doesn’t love it, he’ll be happy enough). I year from now, I will still be at home with our little one. The three of us will be a happy family even if we don’t always get enough sleep. (Ok,so I just added this last sentence. *grin*)

What to say? What not to say?

I’ve seen this blog post on many blogs and now I finally and fully understand it. It’s the dilemma many newly pregnant bloggers have of how much and what (if anything) should I blog about my pregnancy? I’ve read the posts and the comments and I know the answers. But that still doesn’t make it any easier in my mind.

I spent three and a half years trying to get pregnant. I spent even a few years before that wanting to start trying and waiting for just the right time. I was waiting for Mr Siili to be more ready (although I’m not sure if that ever really happened) and also for me to be stable in my job (that did happen and I told Mr Siili when that was in place, we were going to start TTC). During this time, I saw all my friends, many co-workers, and even a couple of cousins get pregnant and have their kids. Some of them even twice! I started blogging more seriously and found an amazing online community of (mostly) women who understood what I was going through. Some of them have been able to press forward and get out of these trenches and make it home from the struggle, some thought they had gotten out but were pulled back in unexpectedly. Then there are some, who are still struggling, waiting and hoping. I know what that is like! I’ve been there and I won’t ever forget. And that is what makes this so difficult.

In my heart, I know I write this blog for myself. I want to and need to write what happens during my journey, all of it. But in my head, I know there are other people reading this. (I’m totally tickled I have followers!) Women who are still struggling with trying to get pregnant and I know that by writing about my pregnancy, I might be hurting them. I don’t want to do that, but at the same time, as I said, I need to write what is in my heart and head.

This also leads me to commenting on other women’s blogs. I want to comment and give support and encourage like I always have, but I worry about how they’ll feel if a pregnant woman comments on their post commiserating and saying they understand what they are going through. (I rarely comment that I am pregnant, unless it is specifically called for.) Especially when I’m no longer in their situation. I know that doesn’t stop me from remembering and having been there myself, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I’m not there anymore. I’m in a different situation now.

I also wonder, if you and someone else are mutually following each others blogs, but the other person stops following your blog (right around the time you announce you are pregnant), should you stop following their blog too? Or at the least, should I not comment on her blog, as my situation apparently hurts her. 😦

I have no idea how much this all makes sense. I’ve tried to put it out here in a logical order, but it just feels as if I am rambling on (like I usually do, Hah!) in no apparent order.

Thursday thoughts

It’s snowing! Again! I’m totally loving it (still). The two pictures I took with my camera phone don’t do the actual view justice. The picture on the right looks bleak and dreary, plus you can’t see the snow falling. The picture on the right looks a bit more cheery and you can just barely see the snow falling.

Today is Thursday the 12th (not that it means anything) and tomorrow is Friday the 13th!! I love Friday the 13th’s. They always seem to be awesome days for me. It is Saturday the 14th that just sucks. LOL

Tomorrow also looks to be an insanely busy day at work. Four out of 9 people in our team will be off for one reason or another. Some of the girls are freaking and already stressing. I’m not. I’ll do what I can do and that’s that. Plus, it’ll only be one day that is this crazy.

I took my very last progesterone suppository this morning. WooHOOO!!!!!

We didn’t actually sign the loan papers yesterday, but rather just got them in order for the loan-lady to take them one more time to her boss and get everything finalized and approved one last time. We’ll do the actual signing in a week and a half.

I really need to go shopping today to look for socks for the sock exchange I am doing at Searching for our silver lining.

I must have gotten an ok amount sleep last night because it is 6pm and I’m still feeling like I can function. It is also time to leave work and tentatively head to the store to look for socks and go food shopping.

I hope your Thursday is a thoughtful one.

Thursday Thoughts

Lots of little things to blether about today.

– Steve Jobs died last night. While I didn’t know him and I don’t own any Apple products, it is sad. I am especially sad for Mel’s son Wolvog, as I know Steve Jobs was his hero.

– I bought some blackberries, raspberries, blueberries and a pomegranate today.

– I told my team leader at work that if this cycle doesn’t work out, I’d be doing another round of IVF and most likely need week 50 off. And even if it can’t be worked out for me to officially take the last week of my summer holiday, I’d be taking that week off against my own hours, with a doctor’s note. (Legal to be off work with the dr’s note, but work doesn’t have to pay me.) I also told her how I’m having a hard time right now, with my mom’s death and IF all mixed into one big ugly thing. I cried a bit and she hugged me. I like my team leader and I’m sad she’ll be another team’s leader for some time.

– Today I bought Red Hot Chili Peppers’ newest album “I’m With You”. I RHCP!!

– I started using progesterone capsules last night and sheesh, they are messy! Either that or I’m not inserting them correctly. I’ve previously used a synthetic progesterone called Lugesterone. It had a capsule-shell and made insertion a bit easier, but I was allergic to it and the white creamy stuff that leaked out of me was hideous! At least now it is mostly just wet..but way too much! I hope it’ll get better as time goes on. LOL, yeah, right!

– I grumped at Mr Siili a bit when I got home because he didn’t get off the computer to come greet me. I’m sometimes jealous of the time he spends on his computer games.

– I talked to my dad this evening. He was sitting in the woods, with his brother and a friend waiting for the deer to walk by so they could shoot one (several?) and go home. I wish him luck and safety! I also told him how much I’ve been missing my mom lately. I love my dad!

– I also talked to my sister this evening. She got a bit upset when I tried to be the big sister and be concerned about her getting a job and being able to pay her bills. I told her I care about her and I worry about her. I just want the best for her and I know she can do more, if she wants to. We both miss our mom. We also tried talking via Skype on both of our phones, it worked! I hope we’ll chat more often, for free! I love my sister.

– I tried calling my brother, but he must be at work. I worry about him too. I love my brother.

– I didn’t call my youngest brother, as he’s probably in school. Nor did I try to call my stepmom. I not entirely sure she really meant that the past was the past and that she isn’t mad/upset at me anymore. I’m not mad at her, I just want to talk to her. I love them too.

– Today was an ok day and tomorrow is Friday!!

– I’m going to meet up with some girl friends on Sunday for brunch downtown. I really need the girl-time. I’m also going to let them know how rough things have been for me lately. I’ll take plenty of tissues for all of us.

Thanks for reading my blethering.

Why I started blogging

The end of this month marks 3 years since I started this blog. But this is not the first time I’ve ventured into this realm of online writing. Years ago, I had an online journal, which I wrote in for a while but got quite bored of it when it was only myself writing to myself. I had tried to write it so my family could read what was going on, but who was I kidding, my family just isn’t that internet savvy (at least back then). So, that little project of mine sputtered out.

Then, while I was head over heals into posting on iVillage’s message boards, they opened up a social media platform that was called iConnect and quite a bit like blogging. I started writing up a storm! I loved it there. All of my friends I chatted with on the message boards were there. They were writing on their own iConnect spaces, commenting on mine and we had so much fun. Then iVillage went and changed it all and closed down that platform. I saved all of my posts from iConnect because they were so much a part of who I was at that time. Plus, I didn’t want to lose my good words. Looking back at those posts, I can see that the closing of iConnect coincides 100% with the start of my Blogger blog.

So, that leads me to where I am today. Here on Blogger, blogging away. But that doesn’t really answer the question of why I started blogging. My main reason for starting to blog to just have a place to write my down. A close second for why I started blogging was in hopes that someone would read my ramblings and connect. I had hoped people would connect with my words, my situation, my thoughts and me.

Somehow, someway I did connect! During the first 2 years here I didn’t post much, nor regularly and I only had 3 or 4 followers. But I loved the fact that I had followers! It didn’t matter how many I had, it was just so cool that someone was reading my words. Then during the early part of 2010, after I had been going through IF treatments for a few months, I really needed somewhere to put my thoughts. I started writing here more and I attracted a couple more followers (how cool!). Finally, earlier this year, I ran across a post by Mel at Stirrup Queens and that is when I really felt like I found my place in the blogosphere. I have found so many wonderful women, unfortunately and fortunately, going through the same things I am. I follow their blogs and by golly, more people have started following me! At this moment in time, I have 19 wonderful followers!

So, I think I have achieved what I wanted in blogging. I get to write my thoughts down, others are able to find my words, read them and comment if they feel like it (I do love comments!).

Name change

 I did it! I’ve changed the name of my blog from ‘life in finland – elämä suomessa’ to ‘BattleFish’. I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time and even more so the last few days. The previous name just wasn’t me. It never really felt right, nor did it encompass what I wanted. Yes, I’m still living in Finland and I don’t see that changing (ever), but my life and what I am blogging is more than just being in Finland. Lately most of my posts have to do with my husband’s and my journey TTC #1 (from my view point of course). But I also blather about my friends, family, daily events, thoughts, feelings, Finland and really, just whatever is happening in my world and head at the time.

This new name has a lot more meaning to it on several levels. First, BattleFish is a nickname my husband calls me sometimes. Especially when I’m in a contrary and bratty mood. He’ll usually call me this when my bad-moodedness (new word) is not fully serious, but yet nothing he says or does is right and I just want to pick a fight or at least bicker. Hubby can tell me I’m being a BattleFish and it will most likely make me smile and then make it hard for me to continue on in the same manner., especially when I know I’m being a bratty. Now, if I’m truly in a fowl mood, this will only anger me more. Secondly, when I started thinking of the word(s) BattleFish, I am battling. I’m battling to get pregnant, battling to start a family, battling to keep my sanity, battling to just be me and to be happy with it. Thirdly, I quite like the name. It’s cute, but not in a girly way.

The only thing I’m not quite sure I like with this new look is the background design and color. It might change in the next few days.

And on to other stuff…
This morning (afternoon), when hubby and I woke up, we laid in bed for a while discussing our cat game that we are designing. This game has been something that we’ve been discussing and designing for some several years now. I do hope we’ll finish it someday and actually publish it.

Once we got out of bed, we went to look where our house (duplex) complex is going to be built. Right now, it is just a roughly leveled area of land. It was hubby’s first time seeing it. Yes, we signed papers for the place before hubby even went to see where it was going to be built. He knew the area, but just not what it exactly looked like. He said the area for the complex is small and possibly cramped. 😦 It does sort of look that way, but I am confident it will be ok. In any case, it will be ours and we’ll only share one very well insulated wall with someone.

Today is 4dpFET. I’m still taking Zu.menon (estradiol hemihydrate) and Lu.gesteron (pro.gesterone) 3 times a day. The pills don’t bother me, but sometimes I just really can’t stand the suppositories. (Do you think it makes a huge difference if I “forget” a suppository every once in a great while, just to give my lady bits a break?) I don’t seem to have any of the side effects people talk about. I admit, I had to google what sort of side effects are common, as I really just don’t feel anything at the moment. No sore boobs, no bloating, no more irritation or irritability than normal. For good or bad, I just feel like me.

To finish this post and evening off, hubby and I are watching the Finnish-Swedish world hockey championship. Go Finland!!!