I’m going to be an aunt

A bit ago, my sister informed the family that she is pregnant. I’m thrilled for her! It’s only slowly dawning on me that I’m going to be an aunt! I’m thrilled for me. (I only wish I lived closer.)

MicroblogMonday For more microposts, go visit Mel’s post at Stirrup Queens.


Family was here

Paxlet and I put them on a bus this morning headed for Helsinki to catch their first flight towards home and I cried for over 30 minutes after that. I think the only reason I stopped when I did was because I started cleaning as soon as Pax and I got home. Hey, when the boy is sleeping, it’s the time to get things done!

Phew, what a week! This past week with my dad and sister was great! It was a long week, yet it was very short. Before they arrived, the weather forecast said it was going to be quite cold (-15C) the first couple of days they would be here, but the coldness came early and it wasn’t that cold (-8C to -2C) during their visit. They even said it was “warm” the last couple of days they were here. Thankfully it wasn’t that cold, as it allowed us to wander around downtown and be outside without freezing too badly.

We didn’t really do too much while my dad and sister visited. The first day they were here was Finnish Independence day and no stores were open. So, all of us just took a walk around the neighborhood and let my family recover from traveling a bit. The rest of the time we spent downtown at the open air Christmas market, the stable yards (another open air market), in a few regular stores and then at home hanging out. Mainly we just wanted to spend time together, especially with Pax, which we did!

Paxlet seemed to enjoy the time with his Grandpa and Auntie. Lots of talking, smiles and laughs all around. Pax didn’t have any problems with them holding him from day one, which is great because my family is just in love with our little guy. It was great seeing my dad with Paxlet. So sweet. gentle and loving. Paxlet looks (and is) so small when compared to my dad. I probably should have gotten some pictures that better showed their differences, especially the hands. My back was very thankful to have had other people holding Pax a lot of the time this past week. I hope this bit of respite for my back will continue.

My sister spent most of her money she brought with her to buy Christmas gifts. She made it clear when she arrived that that was her intent: she was going to spend as much as she wanted and how she wanted. The reason she stated it so clearly is that when she was here the first time (12 years ago), she was only 16 and my dad and I sort of controlled her the small amount of money she had and what she could or couldn’t spend it on. This time around, she wasn’t going to let that happen. LOL. She definitely spent it this time and had lots of fun doing it.

In typical male fashion, our dad’s not so good about shopping. So my sister and I helped our dad with ideas for his Christmas shopping. To give him credit, our stepmom and one of our brothers aren’t the easiest people to shop for. My sister and I do think we did a good job in helping him out though.

An added bonus to my dad and sister visiting is that they brought me and Pax tons of stuff! (Mr Siili didn’t really want anything, but might benefit from some of the items, at least indirectly.) The biggest thing they brought me was a brand new laptop!!! Now there won’t be any issues with Skype-calls with family whenever, not that there was issues before, but my stepmom felt otherwise. Other things that my dad and sister brought were:
– two sheepskins (they were our mom’s) that we can use in Paxlet’s stroller during the winter to help him stay warm,
– some toys (wooden stacking boxes, giraffe finger puppet, wooden balls, driftwood blocks) and costumes (frog & dragon/dinosaur) for Pax,
– food and candy (brewer’s yeast, cream of tartar, vanilla extract, food coloring, Reese’s pieces trees & bells, (American) Smarties, grits, some cake mixes, tapioca pearls, Skittles & Starbursts, Lifesavers…),
– some paintings,
– a knitted lion my mom had made (it found it’s way to me after all!!),
– toys that I ordered from Amazon for Pax (stacking cups, Boomerings and Rock-a-stack)
I am sure there is more stuff I’m just not remembering right now. I know for a fact that their suitcases are much lighter going home now.

My smiling baby boy has awoke from his nap so it is  time to go play with him. I hope to write up a few stories from my dad and sister’s visit. In the meantime, I’m wishing my dad and sister a safe and pleasant trip home! And happy birthday to my only sister!

just a few more hours

I’m getting more and more excited as the minutes tick by and it gets closer for my dad and sister to touch down in Helsinki. It will still take them a couple of hours more to reach us by bus, but if they make it to Finland on time, then the rest is easy! They will have 3 flights, 1 bus trip and approximately 27 hours of total travel time, door-to-door. Fingers crossed that all flights are on time and no luggage lost.

On a random note, as I was waking downtown on Monday to a play group, I stopped to take some pictures of the beautiful snow, ice and steam cooking off the lake. On the trees there was some hoar frost. Which got me thinking about the word “whore”, only I stooped couldn’t figure out how it was spelled. Only hoar and huora (whore in Finnish) came to mind. So, as I’m enjoying this beautiful scenery, I’m thinking of whores.

Paxlet’s grandpa and aunt coming to visit

I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it or not (and I’m too lazy to go look), but my dad and sister are coming to visit at the beginning of December! That’s right, Paxlet is going to meet his grandpa and aunt on my side of the family for the first time! I’m so freaking thrilled that they are coming! They’ll only be here for a week, so we’re going to have to pack a lot of stuff into that short time.

This will be only the second time anyone from my family has come to Finland in the 13 years I’ve lived here. The last time was 12 years ago when my grandma (dad’s mom), dad and sister visited. My mom said she would visit if I ever got a child, but she didn’t live to see this happen. So, having my dad, and sister, visit is the closest I’m going to get to that. This makes their visit all the more important and exciting.

I knew that when I moved half a world away to be with Mr Siili that it would be harder to see my family. I also knew my family doesn’t travel much and that it would be and has been up to me (and Mr Siili) to go visit them. I’ve known this all along. But, now that Paxlet is here this reality is hitting me harder than I thought it would be. I’m coming to realize just how little Paxlet is going to see my side of the family, other than via the video Skype chats we have. And as my stepmom pointed out not too long ago, we’ll mostly only be faces on a TV screen/computer monitor to each other.

There are some thoughts jumbled in my head and I’m not sure I’ll be able to get them out in a way that conveys what I am feeling and thinking, but I’m going to try anyway.

In the past, my stepmom, mom and I had some issues. I feel that my stepmom and I have worked through some of them, at least enough to be civil and on decent terms again. With my mom, I feel we worked through things more, but nothing is ever perfect. My mom had told me that the one thing that would get her to travel and visit me in Finland was if I had a baby. Then my mom had a heart attack and died 6 months before I got pregnant. I never got to have my mom come see my life here and see that I am truly happy here. Before Paxlet was born, my stepmom and dad were excited to get their first grandchild. We were even Skyping most weekends and it was great. My dad even said he’d come visit once Paxlet arrived. Then, a few weeks after Paxlet was born, my stepmom wasn’t so enthusiastic anymore and said that she just couldn’t handle only seeing Paxlet via Internet. She needs to smell, hold and snuggle him, as she is a very hands on and ‘irght in front of you’ sort of person. It was also suggested that we (Paxlet, Mr Siili and I) travel to the US instead, my parents would pay. For several reasons, that’s not happening, at least not for now. I was feeling extremely disappointed because I knew if my mom was here, she’d come visit. And when it looked as if my dad might not come visit, I was hurt. Immensely. It was just important to me that some part of my family make it here so see my boy and the idea of it not happening just left a big emotional hole in me. So, having my dad and sister! come visit me is so unbelievably cool! I would love it to be longer than a week, but I’m not going to complain!! We’ll just have to make the most of the time we do have together.

In a nutshell, even though I have moved away from my family, they are still very important to me and I still need them. I’m just waiting until we have “beam me up, Scotty”-technology to make the trip ‘home’ a quick and painless one.

Thursday Thoughts

Lots of little things to blether about today.

– Steve Jobs died last night. While I didn’t know him and I don’t own any Apple products, it is sad. I am especially sad for Mel’s son Wolvog, as I know Steve Jobs was his hero.

– I bought some blackberries, raspberries, blueberries and a pomegranate today.

– I told my team leader at work that if this cycle doesn’t work out, I’d be doing another round of IVF and most likely need week 50 off. And even if it can’t be worked out for me to officially take the last week of my summer holiday, I’d be taking that week off against my own hours, with a doctor’s note. (Legal to be off work with the dr’s note, but work doesn’t have to pay me.) I also told her how I’m having a hard time right now, with my mom’s death and IF all mixed into one big ugly thing. I cried a bit and she hugged me. I like my team leader and I’m sad she’ll be another team’s leader for some time.

– Today I bought Red Hot Chili Peppers’ newest album “I’m With You”. I RHCP!!

– I started using progesterone capsules last night and sheesh, they are messy! Either that or I’m not inserting them correctly. I’ve previously used a synthetic progesterone called Lugesterone. It had a capsule-shell and made insertion a bit easier, but I was allergic to it and the white creamy stuff that leaked out of me was hideous! At least now it is mostly just wet..but way too much! I hope it’ll get better as time goes on. LOL, yeah, right!

– I grumped at Mr Siili a bit when I got home because he didn’t get off the computer to come greet me. I’m sometimes jealous of the time he spends on his computer games.

– I talked to my dad this evening. He was sitting in the woods, with his brother and a friend waiting for the deer to walk by so they could shoot one (several?) and go home. I wish him luck and safety! I also told him how much I’ve been missing my mom lately. I love my dad!

– I also talked to my sister this evening. She got a bit upset when I tried to be the big sister and be concerned about her getting a job and being able to pay her bills. I told her I care about her and I worry about her. I just want the best for her and I know she can do more, if she wants to. We both miss our mom. We also tried talking via Skype on both of our phones, it worked! I hope we’ll chat more often, for free! I love my sister.

– I tried calling my brother, but he must be at work. I worry about him too. I love my brother.

– I didn’t call my youngest brother, as he’s probably in school. Nor did I try to call my stepmom. I not entirely sure she really meant that the past was the past and that she isn’t mad/upset at me anymore. I’m not mad at her, I just want to talk to her. I love them too.

– Today was an ok day and tomorrow is Friday!!

– I’m going to meet up with some girl friends on Sunday for brunch downtown. I really need the girl-time. I’m also going to let them know how rough things have been for me lately. I’ll take plenty of tissues for all of us.

Thanks for reading my blethering.

Skype with my sister

It’s 1:15am and I really should be in bed. But I just got done with a Skype call to my sister. My poor sister was in tears from the get go. She’s hurting. Badly. Not only did our mom die a month ago, but her best friend was murdered a couple of months before that. She’s having a really hard time with life right now. She’s questioning life itself and what’s the point of it? And the only thing I can tell her is that I’ve been there too. I know! We all just have to figure out what life means for us. I also know that in the mind frame she was in, those words weren’t much help.

I feel so bad and guilty for being half a world away. I feel like I am getting off easy. I’m not there in our mom’s (former) place every day, going through her shit and trying to figure out what to get rid of and what to keep. I so desperately would love to be there with her right now. But I can’t and it just plain sucks. I miss my sister. I miss my mom. I miss my entire family.