Screaming and crying

As I lay on top of my bed, the clock reads 21:18 and Tadbit is still screaming, for almost an hour already. I’ve been (mostly) laying on this bed with her since 19:24. Bedtime started out as normal, but something has obviously gone wrong. Was it Mr Siili coming into the room for a bit while I sat with Paxlet? (Not a common occurance.) She has had both boobs, yet keeps pulling at my shirt. We’ve gone downstairs for more porridge and an impromptu game of signing “more” water to drink out of a normal drinking cup. Was it some gas that she has now passed? Have we had too much excitement these last few days?

I have no idea what the matter is, but I too have cried this evening. I would love to call my mom up right now and ask what she did when me or my siblings wouldn’t go to bed. But I can’t. Tomorrow will have been five years since I could call her. I wasn’t even pregnant yet then.

It’s now 21:45. Tadbit isn’t screaming, but she isn’t sleeping either.


She’s happily and quietly putting clothes in and taking them out of plastic freezer bags. And I still miss my mom.

The clock now reads 22:17. I’ve let Tadbit play for almost 40 minutes more. I change her diaper, lay her down and she starts to scream again. I lay down next to her, trying to explain to her that it is bedtime. I need her to sleep so I can sleep too. As I start crying again, she holds my arm and falls asleep.


#MicroblogMonday – I survived 8 weeks of summer with both kids at home


I’m a bit torn over my feelings on this post title and the content to come. Yes, I know I wanted not one kid, but two and I have been extremely lucky to have them. However, with Paxlet quickly coming up on 3 years of age, he is a handful! He sometimes fights anything and everything I do or say and then screams or cries when something is done that he doesn’t approve of. Add on top of that the refusal to take a nap, even if it is needed, or even rest for a short bit, unless we are in the car then falling asleep is a given. Having him home these last 8 weeks from daycare has been totally exhausting! So, in that sense, I survived those times when he was screaming, crying and fighting me.

I realize that people who have twins, or more, deal with more than one kid all day from the get go. I also realize that not all moms can or want to have their older kids in daycare while they are at home. For me, I have found it a godsend while I was getting my feet under me after having Tadbit. It helps that Paxlet likes his daycare lady and the kids. Plus they are able to play his extra energy out much better than I am.

During the times he was happy, not screaming and we were working on things in the same direction, summer was great! We did quite many things at home and away from home. I enjoyed the good times. Paxlet is truly a smart, talkative (my ears are hanging on by threads) and sweet little boy that is growing up so fast.

In “honor” of Paxlet heading back to daycare today, Tadbit and I had a restful day at home and I took a nap with her in the morning. Aaahh! Sleep!

MicroblogMonday For more microposts, go visit Mel’s post at Stirrup Queens.

How long it’s been

I had some fitness vouchers that were going to expire at the end of the year, so I finally got my behind in gear and went to BodyCombat on Saturday for the first time in ages! It had been just a hair under 2 years since the last time I went (see the first link below) and I enjoyed it just as much as I remembered. I am thankful Mr Siili watched Paxlet so I could go. While I would love to go more often, the timing and logistics of it just doesn’t always work out and I’m not willing or ready to pay for a monthly membership. As I do have some vouchers left (expiring end of next year), I think I will try to go at least once a month with them.


Paxlet came down with a fever on Wednesday evening, so I stayed home from work on Thursday and Friday with a very high fervered little boy. Thankfully he didn’t exhibit any other sick-like symptoms besides the fever. Sure, he didn’t eat as well and slept pretty crappily, but for the most part he has been in pretty good spirits the whole time. The fever finally broke Saturday evening. That’s 4 nights of high fever and 3 days of fever.

During this time and even continuing today, he was a cling-on (to me) most of the time, making it hard to get anything done. When I did set him down or left the room, even if he was with Mr Siili, he screamed bloody murder. While I hope this screaming business will go away now that he is getting better, I fear it is a thing of the present and foreseeable future. Screaming bloody murder can be for the following reasons, but definitely not limited to them: when Paxlet doesn’t get his way, when he doesn’t want to sit on the potty (often), if I tell him ‘no/nuh-uh/any sort of negation” when he doesn’t want to hear it, if I put him into his crib and he’s still awake and/or if I make him fall asleep on his own in the crib, if I set him down to use both hands to get his food ready to eat. And so on and so forth. My ears hurt. I’m not sure if it is/was poor little guy or poor me.


Two years ago today was the eve of when I was going to POAS. I had no hope of being pregnant and was so ready to quite taking my progesterone. But low and behold, on December 16th , 2011, I got my BFP that is now Paxlet. It was 14 days after the transfer of 2 embryos from our 3rd round of IVF.

Funny how some things change and others not so much.


Last chance! If you haven’t submitted your best blog post of 2013 for this year’s Creme De la Creme, you only have until this evening, December 15th, at 11pm EST. So get your best post submitted!

Teeth brushing

At 13 and a half months, Paxlet now has 8 teeth: 4 in the front on the top and bottom. He’s so cute with those little chiclet teeth poking out when he grins and laughs. Even if they are razor sharp and dangerous when my fingers run the gauntlet that is his mouth trying to get a piece of cardboard or book out of it. But that’s not why I’m writing…

When Paxlet got his first tooth, I excitedly brought out the toothbrush and we started brushing that tooth at bedtime. As more teeth arrived, we kept brushing and he seemed to enjoy it. As he sat on his potty before getting into his pajamas, he’d brush his teeth and I’d brush mine. It was fun! And then a few weeks ago his 7th tooth has just popped through, the 8th was almost through and Paxlet went to his first dentist appointment. It was actually the dental hygienist and all she did was chat with me and look quickly at his teeth, without any instruments except her fingers. She said we should get Paxlet some toddler toothpaste and start brushing twice a day. Right after the appointment, we went to the store and bought him some Moomin toothpaste (he approved of it and chewed on the tube). Ever since then, trying to brush his teeth has become a nightmare!

toothpasteIf I give Paxlet his toothbrush with an itty-bitty dab of toothpaste, he’ll suck it off and then kind of chew on the brush, but with his gums and not the front teeth. And he’s happy with that. But when I hold the brush, or a second brush so he can keep his, and try to brush his teeth he starts screaming. And I do mean scream! You would think I am hurting him in that bathroom.

Does anyone have tooth brushing advice, tips and hints? I don’t want my boy’s teeth to get cavities, rot and fall out before he’s two!

I thought we had survived

This week has been a rough week. My little boy was going to start daycare and I was very distraught over it. Paxlet had his first day there and seemed to do quite well. Sure he cried some, but Kay said he played, ate and seemed to have some fun. Day two and three were roughly the same, although each day he cried a bit sooner upon being dropped off and it lasted a bit longer. To ease Paxlet into daycare, we only did a short week (3 days) with short hours (3 hours each day). Next week will also be 3 days, but a bit longer hours. As I picked Paxlet up from daycare on Thursday and was walking home with him, I let out a deep sigh and even a little tear thinking we had survived! We survived the first week and things went decently well.

Well, I’m taking it all back. I feel like the most horrible mom in the world right now and I don’t think we are surviving at all! Paxlet has been having major melt down tantrums out of what seems like nothing. He’s been horrible to get down to sleep for naps and bed time. And he is just all around fussy and not his normal happy-go-lucky self. I know that starting daycare is a huge huge step for any child. Especially when, like Paxlet, the child hasn’t been left with anyone other than their dad a few times. I knew to expect some changes in life at home, routine, sleep and whatever, but this is just ridiculous. I also know that Paxlet is still feeling a bit under the weather from the cold we had last week. Both of us still have a horrible runny/stuffed nose.  But can it really affect him this much?

For example, a couple of times now, giving Paxlet food had caused a major meltdown. I know he’s hungry, but the second I put food in front of him he just screams. A few days ago, I got him in his highchair and gave him a slice of avocado. He started crying. I took the avocado away and he still cried. I tried giving it back to him and he cried harder. As I turned around to get him some banana he ate the avocado and stopped crying. He then proceeded to eat the entire avocado (minus a tiny bit that Rusty the cat got) and almost an entire banana. Today he didn’t want his lunch (vegetable soup he has eaten many times before) until Mr Siili thawed out some strawberries. Then Paxlet would alternate between me giving him soup and Mr Siili giving him strawberries.

Paxlet has also started throwing mini-tantrums (and sometimes bigger) more often when he doesn’t get his way. He will bonelessly slump to the ground (if I’m holding him or trying to get him to stand) and then lean his head against the floor, usually from a sitting position, and cry! Big, fat, crocodile tears until he gets his way. He’s been doing a version of these for a while, but they have all of a sudden gotten more frequent and triggered by the most mundane of things. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around Paxlet at times.

We’ve also had all out screaming, thrashing around where I can’t hold onto him and crying until Paxlet almost pukes episodes when going to bed or when Paxlet wakes up in the middle of the night (from coughing, although I do give it to him that it probably hurts to cough). Last night we had one of these episodes at midnight as I was heading to bed. Nothing would calm him down. Not even boob!

All of these little differences in Paxlet are getting to me. I just want my little happy boy back. I’m tired of being almost in tears or in tears and feeling like the world’s shittiest mom. I don’t want to feel like he hates me at times. I worry that I’m screwing him up for life. I want to see him laugh more again and giggle easily. And I have a feeling this is only going to get worse before it gets better, if it does at all. I can’t not go to work. I can’t just stay home and keep him out of daycare for a while longer. I have to go back to work on September 2nd and I am dreading it.

Anyone know the winning lotto numbers for the next drawing? No? I could really use some of that money to allow me to stay home longer.

Holy screaming meemies, Paxlet!

Paxlet is such a happy little boy. We get so many smiles and tons of laughter from him. He goes down for naps (best in his stroller) and bed time (on the boob) quite easily. We’ve not had to deal with colic. Nor has he had that much gas, especially after the first couple of weeks and even then that wasn’t too bad. (More sad and pitiful than anything.) He’s easy going, not very fussy and just all around happy. Mr Siili and I know we are lucky and are very thankful for this.

Except for the very few times, like tonight, when nothing seems to work. Paxlet is oh so very tired but we can’t get him to sleep. I’ve put a clean diaper on him, changed him into his pajamas and laid down with him to give him a feed before he falls asleep. He ate, then puked a tiny bit. Paxlet then got a bit fussy, but that was because he drained the boob he was on and he was still hungry (so I thought). We switched boobs, he ate a bit more, spit up a bit (ate too much at once) and then he became fussy. He didn’t want any more boob. I tried burping him, but that wasn’t his issue. I tried feeding him in a different position, he only took a few sucks and fussed some more. I tried sitting him up, I tried laying him down with his dolphin and he only fussed and cried. I tried two different binkies, which he didn’t want and they only made him cry and scream. I tried laying him down on the bed, with a binkie and he only screamed more. I let him be on the bed, screaming, because I couldn’t think of what else to do with him. After he screamed, gasped, choked and screamed bloody murder for 3-ish minutes, tops. I couldn’t handle it any more. And in that moment of desperation, I get it why/how some moms shake their kids. Not that I agree with that, but I get it. Thankfully, I took Paxlet to Mr Siili and here I am writing this trying to collect myself in order to take care of my crying baby some more.

Update a bit later:
Paxlet fussed a bit more with Mr Siili, but he also goo’d and gaa’d with his dad. After 10 minutes or so of Paxlet not screaming, but being a little bit fussy, I went to collect him. Paxlet was still extremely tired, but he wasn’t screaming anymore. Mr Siili and I wondered if it was the spiced/flavored chicken that I ate for dinner that upset his tummy. The few times Paxlet has really fussed and screamed seem to coincide with times that I’ve eaten something with spices in it or too much chocolate. I ate some bread with cheese and some cereal in hopes of getting that into my system and the chicken out or at least diluted (no idea if it really works that way, but I did it anyway). Paxlet and I came back upstairs, I fed him a bit more and he passed out immediately. He’s right now laying next to me in bed peacefully sleeping.