#MicroblogMonday – I forgot the seat belt

There’s a first for everything, but this isn’t really a first (or last) you want to experience.

On Saturday, I took both kids to the store with me. We did our shopping, put the food in the care, the cart away and then I asked Paxlet to crawl into his seat as I put Tadbit in hers. I closed her door, walked around the car and closed his door and then I got into the car, put my own seat belt on and drove off. I wouldn’t have realized I forgot Paxlet’s seat belt until we got home if I hadn’t had to slam on my breaks to not hit the car coming towards us, in our lane! When Paxlet flew out of his sit and hit the back of mine, and I caught the movement out of the corner of my eye (back of my head? how did I see behind me?!), that is when I realized what I didn’t do. Thankfully, Paxlet wasn’t hurt and I was soon able to pull over and put his seat belt on him.

It was all I could do to not break down in tears. I could imagine all too well how that situation could have gone. I count my lucky stars and hope it never happens again.

MicroblogMonday For more microposts, go visit Mel’s post at Stirrup Queens.

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Thoughts on round two

I’m 38 years old today*. In many ways, it’s just another day in the life of me. In other ways, it’s me getting another year older. I don’t feel any different than I did yesterday. Birthdays just are.

This birthday has been a good one. We, the three of us, went downtown for a late breakfast and bought some yummy desserts to bring home and eat. My goodness, were they yummy! Mr Siili and Paxlet made me a cute card with their hand prints drawn on it, some stickers stuck to it and Mr Siili colored it in.

——

So many thoughts about being pregnant again. Some happy, some scared, but many scattered and confused.

I was going to call my clinic, where all of our previous treatments were done at and where we have 1 frozen embryo, as soon as they opened after summer holidays  (all of July). However, as AF was supposed to arrive on the 24th of July, I would have had to wait until the end of August. That is now a moot point. If this pregnancy sticks around, we won’t be using or needing that one little embryo.

I truly never thought I would get pregnant on my own, without lots of drugs and a doctor’s help. Yet, here I am. Why me? How did I/we get so lucky? Mind you, I’m not complaining, but this is what runs through my head. We’re excited, yet a bit scared.  Not about the pregnancy itself, but about bringing a new dimension into our happy family of three. As Mr Siili said to me, “we’re just getting used to this life with Paxlet”. How different is it going to be with another? Also, Paxlet has been so easy as a baby** and now a toddler. This second child could have colic, reflux, not want to sleep or a myriad other things. I know I dreamed about a sibling for Paxlet, but now that this is possibly happening, I’m a bit unsure and as I said, scared. Things will work themselves out, it will just take a bit of time.

Getting to experience pregnancy all over again is like  a dream come true!I truly enjoyed my pregnancy with Paxlet. I had very little morning sickness (mild nausea sometimes), I only spotted once around 7-8 weeks and my back didn’t kill me like I feared it would. Although, I do hope some things will be more relaxed as I know more of what to expect this time around. So far, I’m still checking for spotting each time i go to bathroom. Or maybe even more often. Some things die hard. I also can’t wait to do weekly pictures. I want to compare the differences in these pregnancies.

Twins? Oh no! Please no! I know the first time around I thought it would be sort of cool, but this time, no way. I know how much effort one baby takes, I don’t “need” two this time around. Looking a gift horse in the mouth much?

Again, gift horse. I’m sort of hoping for another boy. I know how boys are built now and I know what to do. But girls? They would have girlie parts! LOL. On a serious note, as always, I really just want that this baby sticks around and will be born healthy and happy.

I’m glad I’ve dragged my feet and that we still have most of Paxlet’s stuff. I have sold or given some things away, but the majority of it, we still have. We will need a new-to-us bouncy seat, nursing pillow and breast pads… I will also need some maternity clothes. I do still have my favorite black pants and those should work well during the winter! Yay!

This time around I’m going to tell some people earlier. I know that no matter what happens, I will tell these people. I would like their happiness and support no matter what. So far, I’ve told one of my brother’s (older of the two) already. I’ll tell I told my sister and my dad (& by default stepmom) if when we Skyped tonight. I will tell Mr Siili’s mom tomorrow (as for some silly reason Mr Siili doesn’t want to). I’m not sure about his siblings. They’ll learn at some point. My closest friends and I will be getting together on Thursday. I’ll tell them then. I’m excited about this and already know how I will tell them. *big grin* Work people can wait a bit, and FBb even longer.

All these thoughts, just swirling around in my head.This is such a strange place to be.

 

*So it’s after midnight here in Finland and technically no longer my birthday, but I haven’t gone to sleep yet, so I can still call it my birthday.

**Even when I was having a hard time with sleep and Pax wanting to be at my boobs all. Night. Long.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I go back to work. And I’m mostly okay with that.

I’ve been at home for just over a year now with my little guy. But tomorrow brings change. A change that we’ll not be able to undo and go back to what it once was. I’m happy, scared, uncertain, nervous and so much more. But I’m sure everything will be just fine.
I have to believe that.

Quiet before the storm

Ok, so I don’t think a storm is coming, or at least I hope not, but I just haven’t been in the mood to sit at the computer in the evenings after long days at work. I do have lots of blogy-post thoughts in my head and even a few posts started, but none that have actually been finished yet. I’m working on them, slowly.

I know this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I have been affected by IF and still am. Even though I am 23 weeks pregnant right now, I am still infertile. If Mr Siili and I want a 2nd child (although, let’s not really discuss that until we get this one settled in), we’ll more than likely have to go through  IVF again. Unless a miracle happens. They do happen, but I won’t be waiting for it.

I am not ignoring NIAW, but I just don’t have much to say about it at the moment. And in some ways, by posting about NIAW here on my blog, where I’m assuming, most if not all of the ladies reading my blog are dealing with IF in one form or another. So it it sort of feels like I’d be preaching to the crowd. In a slight different vein, I have posted a couple of things on FB; one person has ‘liked’ them. And I definitely don’t shy away from talking about IF and how I got to where I am now. So, I definitely don’t ignore infertility. As if!

A (good) storm that will be coming is the fact that Mr Siili and I will be moving in a month! We got our notification papers that our house will be ready (after an inspection or two by us and the builders) and we can get our keys on the 25th of May! OMG!! That’s just one month away. It seemed not that long ago that I was telling people that we’d be moving in a year or 6 months and now it is RIGHT around the corner.

I’m terrified and excited about this. In fact, I feel more terrified about this move than I do this pregnancy, delivery and the baby itself. LOL. This house (the loan) is going to cost more than anything we’ve ever dealt with (yes, I know the baby will cost more in the span of our lives, but as a single lump sum, this house is a lot!). I’ve never lived anywhere else in Finland but where are are now (it’ll be 13 years in September). And the storm part of it is I know Mr Siili will get very stressed and become quite grumpy. That’s not going to go well with a 6-7 month pregnant lady’s hormones. I have started getting boxes and packing already in hopes that I can get a decent portion of it done before M-Day (moving day) happens.

Today at work I finished filling in my maternity papers and got them in the mail. It got me thinking about how far along I am and where I’m going to be in a few months. My maternity leave officially starts on July 17th. But, I’m sure I’ll have some extra hours worked that I’ll be able to take another day or two off before that. Also, if for some reason I’m not feeling too well as the pregnancy progresses, it should be quite easy to get sick leave, although I hope there is no need for that.

This line of pregnancy thoughts also reminded me that I’d love to have some before (and after) baby pictures taken. I’ve loved seeing other women who’ve had some nice pictures to remember their very pregnancy tummies by. It just so happens that my big boss is an avid photographer. (This is the same boss I had a wonderful conversation with almost a year ago about IF and her hysterectomy.) So, I asked her today if she or someone she knows does maternity pictures. Her face lit up and she said she’d love to take some pictures for me. Big boss said she isn’t so great at photographing posed portraits, but I told her she’s much better than I would be. Plus, I’ve seen her work and I love it! She said she’d take thousands, ok maybe just hundreds of pictures that we’d get sick of her. I replied that we could do the ones with Mr Siili first and then she can shoot away at me all she wants. She mentioned indoor photos and I said that it should be decent summer weather and we could go outside too. I could just see her brain already starting to think stuff through and the quick ideas she was throwing out there. She even offered to take pictures of Paxlet once he is born too! As Big boss left for the evening, she said she’d take a bit of time to think and look around to see what sort of shots would be good to try.

I’m excited and elated at the response I got from my Big boss. The way she lit up and immediately said she’d love to take pictures was more than I had ever hoped for. I know she’s very happy for me and Mr Siili in that we’ve finally gotten pregnant after the long journey of TTC, but her response just melts my heart.

Sometimes it’s great to be sitting right in front of the Big boss’s office… hehehe

In the 1WW and some candid thoughts

So, uhm, yeah, next week on Friday morning, I get to POAS if AF hasn’t already shown up. I guess we’ll see what happens, won’t we?

At this point in time, I’m feeling totally indifferent to it all. I’m not excited about the possibility of being pregnant, if anything I’m sort of dreading it. I know! Who would have thunk, that after almost 3,5 years of trying to get pregnant, that I’d dread getting pregnant? I have my reasons though and I’m going to share them with you.

First off, I’ve been thinking about it for some time now that maybe we/I should take a break from TTC. I mean, it has been almost 3,5 years, with close to 2 of those years adding hormones to my body. Also, once we’ve gone through our 3 rounds of IVF and any FETs at the public clinic, I’m done. If we wanted to continue with fertility treatments, we’d need to go through a private clinic. I’m not sure Mr Siili will agree to that. I’m afraid he’ll say we have tried what we can and if 3 rounds, what more can be done? I’m also afraid he won’t be willing to shell out the added cash any more.

Also, I worry at times that maybe Mr Siili and I just won’t make a good family. We argue over the stupidest of stuff. Thankfully not too often. But many of our heated discussions are over the same exact things that we’ve been discussing for years on end. We just don’t seem to know how to resolve them. Mr Siili doesn’t want to go to counseling and I’m too chicken and lazy to go on my own. I’m also not sure if Mr Siili really wants to be a dad. Sure, if it happens he’d step up to the plate and be a great dad, most of the time. But then there are those times that worry me a bit.

More recently, finances. We’re in the process of talking to banks to see if we can get a loan for our new place. A loan that will own us for the next 23-25 years! And right now, we’re operating off of one income, some unemployment and some savings, but savings only go so far. Especially with a loan looming. I also haven’t been the bestest about finances and making a financial plan. That’s not to say that I’ve been totally horrible either, just not as good and efficient as I should be. Yes, I know I work in the finance department at my work, but I work in a specific area and with specific tasks. Yes, I also know I went to Int’l Business School, but a lot of what they taught us there was crap and not always useful in the day to day world. Sad, but true.

Along this finance line of thought, Mr Siili is concerned that I’m trying to make my decision to stop TTC for a while a “financial decision”, which he says it isn’t. We aren’t trying to get pregnant for the sake of saving money or to gain money. Money is just money and it is something we need to live, but at the same time it shouldn’t stop us from living life (to an extent).

To tie all of these thoughts and concerns together, I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never become a mom. (No, I don’t think adoption is an option for us.) This scares the crap out of me. I’m not ready to think this or admit this might be a possibility, but I really do think I need to start thinking about it. Right this instant, I don’t feel as if I could live a fulfilled life without a kid and that’s a pretty bad place to be. So, in trying not to get my hopes up or let my hopes down, I’m indifferent. I’d also like to know whether or not I need to continue leaking progesterone from my lady bits on a daily basis or not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I’ll be elated (and worried) if I do get a BFP next week.

A scare for Rusty and us

Our old boy Rusty is a clumsy cat. He’s always been clumsy and last night was no exception. He went to sleep up on top of the coat rack in the cat bed we put up there for him (and his ^^brother^^). When he woke up and hopped down, we heard a scrabbling noise, a ker-thunk and a horrible hiss and then Rusty yowled painfully. Mr Siili and I were up and heading to the hallway halfway through all of this commotion. We didn’t want to run in there to loudly and quickly because if the cat is truly hurt on top of being panicked, he might run and hurt himself more. I turn the hallway light on and see Rust huddled next to my purse (the one pictured below), still whining and acting as if he is in pain.

 As I go to gently pick Rusty up, I see he is tangled in my bag. I thought at first he just had the strap twisted around, but as I carefully move things, I see his foot is caught in the little clip on my bag.

As he jumped down to the chest of drawers, one of his toes on his left back paw got caught in the small part of the clip. It took two tries to get the clip off my bag so I could bring Rusty into my lap. Mr Siili says I became panicked at that point, which I don’t feel I did. But thinking back on it, maybe my voice did become panicked, but I didn’t stop carefully and semi-confidently moving. I tried to push the clip along Rusty’s toe to get it in the bigger end, but it must have hurt or startled him because he yowled and struggled to get away. I caught him and kept him in my arms, but not without incurring a nice long 3-4 inch scratch on my inner thigh. After a couple more failed attempts, I just quickly pushed the clip and made it come off.

I put Rusty on the floor and Mr Siili and I huddled around him petting him. Mansi was scared too and had her tail poofed up something fierce. She calmed down and sniffed and licked her brother. Rusty wasn’t happy about any of it. He went to the kitchen and ate, a lot. It’s what he does when he’s been traumatized.

After he ate a bit, I scooped him up and brought him into the living room to watch TV with us. He stayed on my lap for an entire show! At which point Mansi decided she had to be in the same lap as her big brother (she’s a very social kitty). Big brother doesn’t like sharing his lap, so he left.

Mr Siili and I were so scared something terribly bad had happened to our boy, but we were relieved it wasn’t anything more than a quick fix and a scare. We are once again reminded of our clutzy kitty and that we should keep the chest of drawers clear of clutter for him.

Here’s my boy getting some “mama-love”. He may look a bit annoyed, but I assure you he’s purring away as happy as can be.

First home owner’s meeting

Today was our first home owner’s meeting and I’m feeling totally scared shitless!! This will be the first home (half of a duplex) either of us will have owned. It is expensive, scary and a little bit exciting. I sure hope it will be more exciting at some point.

So many thoughts are running through my head and I’m not sure where to start:
a brand new home half of a duplex, all our own! It’ll be ready in a year.
choosing wallpaper, floor tiles, kitchen counter tops, lighting, etc
there’s sure to be disagreements and arguments
money, I hope DH gets a job soon
two ladies were very pregnant, one couple had their baby with them, others have kids. we have 2 cats
I ache that I’m not even a little bit pregnant
what the heck are they talking about? I understand many of the individual words in Finnish, but when they are strung together and spoken so quickly, I’m lost
panic, hold the tears in until we get into the car or even better yet, home

Now that I got that out, let me see if I can make sense of some of it.

This new home of ours is being built from scratch. The workers started on it a month or two ago and it will be ready in just under a year’s time. Since we are in on this project from the beginning, we get to choose what things look like. There’s wallpaper, floor tiles and kitchen counters to decide on. De we want extra plug-ins, change the lighting set-up or have a wood stove in the place? So many things to figure out and decide! And I’m not a stylish house decorating type of person. WTF do I know about this sort of stuff? My apartments and personal spaces have always been eclectic in substance and “style”. This will be our place, they won’t stop us from choosing the most hideous combo of colors or textures (except to charge more for some things). I want to have a grown up home. Albeit one that is lived in and not one that looks like it is straight from a fashion magazine. I’m tired feeling like a kid trying to be a grown up. (I’m not sure I’ll ever succeed.)
I’m also very sure that DH and I will have many a arguments during this time. I’m quite sure they won’t be over the bathroom sink, as we seem to be in agreement on that item.But I have a feeling there will be heated words over wallpaper, me not understanding Finnish, him being tired to translate and so on. I don’t want this, but I know it is inevitable. *sigh*
DH seems to think we were one of the oldest couples there tonight. Although, it is quite often hard to judge how old people are. We are told we look younger than what we are (me 34, him 36). But it was obvious that several were younger than us and then others…no clue! In one couple, the guy looked young and the lady much older. Even if we are older than most, we don’t have kids. That hurts. Especially seeing the baby and pregnant ladies. There’s going to be many young kids when we move in. I’ll be lucky if I’m ready to deliver by the time move in.
I do speak Finnish. I may not speak or understand it fluently, but I do a pretty good job with my Finnish. Even if DH doesn’t give me enough credit for it, in my opinion. I think it partly has to do with the fact that we speak English together, always! But, when there are so many technical words, being spewed out at me rapid-fire like, I just don’t understand it all! So, I sit there trying to listen, follow along and understand, but it’s just useless at times. And when the topic is something as important as our house, I really would like to know what is going on.
And now the wind in my sails is finally dying out. I’m still scared and worried, but I’m also hopeful and excited.
The last thing that is in my mind this evening is the fact that this was the first place we looked at when we started looking for a house to buy. In fact, it was the only place (besides some online searches) we looked at! And it isn’t even built yet! All I can think why can’t everything be this easy? Not EVERYTHING has to be so damn freaking hard to accomplish!