Firsts and other things

This coming Saturday will be one year since we got the keys to our new place. It’s a bit crazy how different things are this year. Last year we lived in an apartment on the 8th floor, now we live in a duplex/townhouse (paritalo) with two floors. Last year I was pregnant and this year we have a little guy who is almost 9 months old. Last year I couldn’t breath (it was very very bad) at this time of the year because of the highest birch pollen count in 30 years, general pregnancy stuffiness and dust from moving plus the fact that I couldn’t take the good stuff and this year it hasn’t been too bad (yet), although the birch hasn’t bloomed yet. Last year we had tons of boxes and nothing put away and this year we still have a few boxes, but the house is livable and feels like home.

AF has fully arrived for the first time since Paxlet was born. I had some light spotting when he was 12 weeks, but that’s all. Two weeks ago I felt what I was pretty sure were some O-twinges and now it has been confirmed. This coincides with Paxlet starting to sleep mostly through the night and not eating at night. Now he gets boob as he falls asleep, when he wakes up (or as he tries to wake up and I hope that by giving him boob he’ll sleep just a bit longer) and then as he wants during the day. But during the day, he doesn’t always want to the boob and some days he does. I offer and let him decide. So, now that AF is back, I am potentially fertile again. But there is no way we’ll even have a chance of getting miraculously pregnant if we don’t have sex (regularly). Besides, I’m not sure I am ready for a second one just yet and Mr Siili probably isn’t either, although we both know we aren’t getting any younger.

Related to the previous item, I really need to stop eating junk food and sweets (so much). Now that Paxlet isn’t drinking boob as much, I’m not loosing more weight. I basically stopped losing weight once I reached my pre-pregnancy weight, which is totally fine. But in the last week or so, I’ve noticed I’ve gone up a kilo or two. That could also be related to PMS and bloat. Ugh.

Sometimes, family feels like more pain, trouble and drama than they are worth*. The drama of last week continued on Monday, plus some. I emailed my stepmom and my brother’s bride to be asking if they had mailed the wedding invitations yet and and if they had been sent, when should we be concerned that ours hasn’t arrived yet. This caused my stepmom to Skype me and told me that we had not been sent an invitation because they were worried that if one was sent to our family that Mr Siili would come and they don’t want him at the wedding. I was/am horribly offended. Plus, my stepmom told me some other things my family feels about my husband (nothing very nice), yet they are too chicken shit to tell me. Or as my sister put it (in my stepmom’s words) she’s not women enough to tell me herself. One thing my stepmom did point out is that during that conversation and in previous times, she has only been the messenger, yet I have taken it out on her as if these were her words alone. True, looking back at things and even today, it is hard not to feel that she is the only one saying these things. She just happens to have the loudest mouth and the one who will say it. For me, it makes it all the more painful to hear from my stepmom the things my sister thinks about my husband and our relationship, yet she won’t say it to me. And that she said she had a great time while she was here visiting, talks as if she’d love for us (my family of 3) to come visit when in reality it’s not true. She told my stepmom that Mr Siili is never welcome to stay at her home again. W!T!F!!!! Also, my stepmom told me that I have changed since moving to Finland 13+ years ago (true) and that they don’t know me anymore. They don’t know the adult me, the married me and the mom me, which I guess I can understand. And based on some anecdotal history of my stepmom’s own life and relationship with my grandparents (my dad’s parents), she said that if I were to come there to visit (with Paxlet only) they would get to know me (and Paxlet) and via me they would get to learn to know Mr Siili and maybe in the future (because the future is long and unforeseeable) he might be welcome again as they would now know him better. W.T.F? Mr Siili says they have already made up their mind about him and are now just trying to justify what they feel and say to me. I am so offended in so many different ways it’s not funny. Family?! What family?! In short, I told my stepmom and dad that I won’t be coming to the wedding or to visit in the near future. And that just freaking breaks my heart!


On a lighter note, Paxlet and I are going to visit the in-laws tomorrow. MIL had surgery today and will be on strict bed rest for 5 weeks! So, we’ll go there for a few days now and maybe again before the 5 weeks is up to keep her company, do some cooking (I’ve already got some vegetarian dishes in mind) and just have a change of pace.

On an even lighter note, Midsummer is only a month away!! Ack! The days are getting longer! In fact, the sun is now above the horizon for 18 hours a day and it doesn’t get fully dark at night. Plus, it has been beautifully warm this last week. I know ~70F (In the low 20s C) isn’t all that hot, but it is gorgeous and lovely here! I’ve been in skirts and short sleeve shirts and not feeling cold. Summer, please stick around!

*I know that you are only getting my side of the story, but that’s all I have to offer. I know I haven’t been perfect nor spotless in this family drama, but it seems this time it was just brought up again so my stepmom could have some excitement and someone to blame.


We’re moved

It’s be a long and exhausting weekend, but all of our stuff is in the new place. The old place has been cleaned and now it’s time to get the new place clean and in order.
We had a great group of friends helping us move. We definitely would not have been able to do it without them. Mr Siili’s organized-ness worked very well (and we both managed to work together very well with minimal bickering). Everyone was impressed that it only took about 5 hours to get the bulk if things moved on Saturday. Although we did do some minor moving Friday and Sunday.
We’ve slept in our new place 4 times, but only 2 nights. It doesn’t quite feel like home yet, rather more like we are at a summer cottage, as Mr Siili said.
I’m very thankful to have this week off from work. I hope to get lots done around our place, but also find a bit of time to relax and sleep. Sleep especially. I’m so tired!
Right this instant I’m waiting to be called back for the diabetes test.
(Posted on the go from my phone.)

Quiet before the storm

Ok, so I don’t think a storm is coming, or at least I hope not, but I just haven’t been in the mood to sit at the computer in the evenings after long days at work. I do have lots of blogy-post thoughts in my head and even a few posts started, but none that have actually been finished yet. I’m working on them, slowly.

I know this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I have been affected by IF and still am. Even though I am 23 weeks pregnant right now, I am still infertile. If Mr Siili and I want a 2nd child (although, let’s not really discuss that until we get this one settled in), we’ll more than likely have to go through  IVF again. Unless a miracle happens. They do happen, but I won’t be waiting for it.

I am not ignoring NIAW, but I just don’t have much to say about it at the moment. And in some ways, by posting about NIAW here on my blog, where I’m assuming, most if not all of the ladies reading my blog are dealing with IF in one form or another. So it it sort of feels like I’d be preaching to the crowd. In a slight different vein, I have posted a couple of things on FB; one person has ‘liked’ them. And I definitely don’t shy away from talking about IF and how I got to where I am now. So, I definitely don’t ignore infertility. As if!

A (good) storm that will be coming is the fact that Mr Siili and I will be moving in a month! We got our notification papers that our house will be ready (after an inspection or two by us and the builders) and we can get our keys on the 25th of May! OMG!! That’s just one month away. It seemed not that long ago that I was telling people that we’d be moving in a year or 6 months and now it is RIGHT around the corner.

I’m terrified and excited about this. In fact, I feel more terrified about this move than I do this pregnancy, delivery and the baby itself. LOL. This house (the loan) is going to cost more than anything we’ve ever dealt with (yes, I know the baby will cost more in the span of our lives, but as a single lump sum, this house is a lot!). I’ve never lived anywhere else in Finland but where are are now (it’ll be 13 years in September). And the storm part of it is I know Mr Siili will get very stressed and become quite grumpy. That’s not going to go well with a 6-7 month pregnant lady’s hormones. I have started getting boxes and packing already in hopes that I can get a decent portion of it done before M-Day (moving day) happens.

Today at work I finished filling in my maternity papers and got them in the mail. It got me thinking about how far along I am and where I’m going to be in a few months. My maternity leave officially starts on July 17th. But, I’m sure I’ll have some extra hours worked that I’ll be able to take another day or two off before that. Also, if for some reason I’m not feeling too well as the pregnancy progresses, it should be quite easy to get sick leave, although I hope there is no need for that.

This line of pregnancy thoughts also reminded me that I’d love to have some before (and after) baby pictures taken. I’ve loved seeing other women who’ve had some nice pictures to remember their very pregnancy tummies by. It just so happens that my big boss is an avid photographer. (This is the same boss I had a wonderful conversation with almost a year ago about IF and her hysterectomy.) So, I asked her today if she or someone she knows does maternity pictures. Her face lit up and she said she’d love to take some pictures for me. Big boss said she isn’t so great at photographing posed portraits, but I told her she’s much better than I would be. Plus, I’ve seen her work and I love it! She said she’d take thousands, ok maybe just hundreds of pictures that we’d get sick of her. I replied that we could do the ones with Mr Siili first and then she can shoot away at me all she wants. She mentioned indoor photos and I said that it should be decent summer weather and we could go outside too. I could just see her brain already starting to think stuff through and the quick ideas she was throwing out there. She even offered to take pictures of Paxlet once he is born too! As Big boss left for the evening, she said she’d take a bit of time to think and look around to see what sort of shots would be good to try.

I’m excited and elated at the response I got from my Big boss. The way she lit up and immediately said she’d love to take pictures was more than I had ever hoped for. I know she’s very happy for me and Mr Siili in that we’ve finally gotten pregnant after the long journey of TTC, but her response just melts my heart.

Sometimes it’s great to be sitting right in front of the Big boss’s office… hehehe

In the 1WW and some candid thoughts

So, uhm, yeah, next week on Friday morning, I get to POAS if AF hasn’t already shown up. I guess we’ll see what happens, won’t we?

At this point in time, I’m feeling totally indifferent to it all. I’m not excited about the possibility of being pregnant, if anything I’m sort of dreading it. I know! Who would have thunk, that after almost 3,5 years of trying to get pregnant, that I’d dread getting pregnant? I have my reasons though and I’m going to share them with you.

First off, I’ve been thinking about it for some time now that maybe we/I should take a break from TTC. I mean, it has been almost 3,5 years, with close to 2 of those years adding hormones to my body. Also, once we’ve gone through our 3 rounds of IVF and any FETs at the public clinic, I’m done. If we wanted to continue with fertility treatments, we’d need to go through a private clinic. I’m not sure Mr Siili will agree to that. I’m afraid he’ll say we have tried what we can and if 3 rounds, what more can be done? I’m also afraid he won’t be willing to shell out the added cash any more.

Also, I worry at times that maybe Mr Siili and I just won’t make a good family. We argue over the stupidest of stuff. Thankfully not too often. But many of our heated discussions are over the same exact things that we’ve been discussing for years on end. We just don’t seem to know how to resolve them. Mr Siili doesn’t want to go to counseling and I’m too chicken and lazy to go on my own. I’m also not sure if Mr Siili really wants to be a dad. Sure, if it happens he’d step up to the plate and be a great dad, most of the time. But then there are those times that worry me a bit.

More recently, finances. We’re in the process of talking to banks to see if we can get a loan for our new place. A loan that will own us for the next 23-25 years! And right now, we’re operating off of one income, some unemployment and some savings, but savings only go so far. Especially with a loan looming. I also haven’t been the bestest about finances and making a financial plan. That’s not to say that I’ve been totally horrible either, just not as good and efficient as I should be. Yes, I know I work in the finance department at my work, but I work in a specific area and with specific tasks. Yes, I also know I went to Int’l Business School, but a lot of what they taught us there was crap and not always useful in the day to day world. Sad, but true.

Along this finance line of thought, Mr Siili is concerned that I’m trying to make my decision to stop TTC for a while a “financial decision”, which he says it isn’t. We aren’t trying to get pregnant for the sake of saving money or to gain money. Money is just money and it is something we need to live, but at the same time it shouldn’t stop us from living life (to an extent).

To tie all of these thoughts and concerns together, I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never become a mom. (No, I don’t think adoption is an option for us.) This scares the crap out of me. I’m not ready to think this or admit this might be a possibility, but I really do think I need to start thinking about it. Right this instant, I don’t feel as if I could live a fulfilled life without a kid and that’s a pretty bad place to be. So, in trying not to get my hopes up or let my hopes down, I’m indifferent. I’d also like to know whether or not I need to continue leaking progesterone from my lady bits on a daily basis or not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I’ll be elated (and worried) if I do get a BFP next week.

First home owner’s meeting

Today was our first home owner’s meeting and I’m feeling totally scared shitless!! This will be the first home (half of a duplex) either of us will have owned. It is expensive, scary and a little bit exciting. I sure hope it will be more exciting at some point.

So many thoughts are running through my head and I’m not sure where to start:
a brand new home half of a duplex, all our own! It’ll be ready in a year.
choosing wallpaper, floor tiles, kitchen counter tops, lighting, etc
there’s sure to be disagreements and arguments
money, I hope DH gets a job soon
two ladies were very pregnant, one couple had their baby with them, others have kids. we have 2 cats
I ache that I’m not even a little bit pregnant
what the heck are they talking about? I understand many of the individual words in Finnish, but when they are strung together and spoken so quickly, I’m lost
panic, hold the tears in until we get into the car or even better yet, home

Now that I got that out, let me see if I can make sense of some of it.

This new home of ours is being built from scratch. The workers started on it a month or two ago and it will be ready in just under a year’s time. Since we are in on this project from the beginning, we get to choose what things look like. There’s wallpaper, floor tiles and kitchen counters to decide on. De we want extra plug-ins, change the lighting set-up or have a wood stove in the place? So many things to figure out and decide! And I’m not a stylish house decorating type of person. WTF do I know about this sort of stuff? My apartments and personal spaces have always been eclectic in substance and “style”. This will be our place, they won’t stop us from choosing the most hideous combo of colors or textures (except to charge more for some things). I want to have a grown up home. Albeit one that is lived in and not one that looks like it is straight from a fashion magazine. I’m tired feeling like a kid trying to be a grown up. (I’m not sure I’ll ever succeed.)
I’m also very sure that DH and I will have many a arguments during this time. I’m quite sure they won’t be over the bathroom sink, as we seem to be in agreement on that item.But I have a feeling there will be heated words over wallpaper, me not understanding Finnish, him being tired to translate and so on. I don’t want this, but I know it is inevitable. *sigh*
DH seems to think we were one of the oldest couples there tonight. Although, it is quite often hard to judge how old people are. We are told we look younger than what we are (me 34, him 36). But it was obvious that several were younger than us and then others…no clue! In one couple, the guy looked young and the lady much older. Even if we are older than most, we don’t have kids. That hurts. Especially seeing the baby and pregnant ladies. There’s going to be many young kids when we move in. I’ll be lucky if I’m ready to deliver by the time move in.
I do speak Finnish. I may not speak or understand it fluently, but I do a pretty good job with my Finnish. Even if DH doesn’t give me enough credit for it, in my opinion. I think it partly has to do with the fact that we speak English together, always! But, when there are so many technical words, being spewed out at me rapid-fire like, I just don’t understand it all! So, I sit there trying to listen, follow along and understand, but it’s just useless at times. And when the topic is something as important as our house, I really would like to know what is going on.
And now the wind in my sails is finally dying out. I’m still scared and worried, but I’m also hopeful and excited.
The last thing that is in my mind this evening is the fact that this was the first place we looked at when we started looking for a house to buy. In fact, it was the only place (besides some online searches) we looked at! And it isn’t even built yet! All I can think why can’t everything be this easy? Not EVERYTHING has to be so damn freaking hard to accomplish!