Happy birthday, Tadbit!

My little girl is one year old!! I’m in disbelief, awe and love. Where to begin?

I never expected a second child. I had hoped for a sibling for Paxlet, but I didn’t believe our one frozen embryo would amount to anything (it didn’t, in the end we donated it to science) nor that my body would spontaneously do what it was supposed to on its own. I’m still surprised that my body decided to get pregnant “like that”. I’m also proof that it only takes once to get pregnant. I just can’t believe I have what I’ve wanted for so long. I’m truly lucky.

Tadbit is growing into a little person. She’s quickly developing a personality all her own and whoa is it going to be a big one. But what would you expect when she has me for a momma?

– She doesn’t like to be told “no” (who does?). She gets the biggest pouty-quivery lip when I tell her no and she doesn’t like it. For now, it is insanely cute. Ask me about it again in a few years or when she’s a teen.

– She’s had 6 teeth (two on the bottom and 4 on the top) for a couple of months now. Thankfully not much biting, yet. And no drooling!

– Tadbit has been walking for a bit over a month now. She’s even started running a bit! That could explain why she doesn’t talk yet. Her brain and body have been working hard on getting her up and going, so she can keep up with her brother.

– She does babble up a storm. Again, she has me for a momma. She does “caw” at crows, or any bird really.

– Speaking of crows, she loves animals. Our cat wouldn’t mind being loved a bit less, but that’s what a grumpy 16 year old cat is like. She can spot a dog half a block away. And when we went to see Pappa’s horses, Tadbit eagerly had her hand out to touch the horse. She even got to sit on one of the horses! No fear from her.

– Tadbit is a hugger. I just love all the times she will lay her head on me. I’m soaking them up, because I know they won’t last forever. (It’s definitely harder to get hugs from Paxlet these days.) On the other hand, she has started to throw tantrums. Don’t want to lay on the changing table? She screams and tries to roll away. Don’t want to put outside clothes and shoes on? She can arch her back with the best of them. Momma is too slow when feeding her food? She screams the house down!

– This little girl of ours just adores her bigger brother. She copies him, in good and bad, emulates him the best she can and really just wants to be around him. When Paxlet is at daycare, she will push his cars around like she sees him doing. Paxlet, being bigger, has a decent collection of choking hazard toys. We’ve put them in a little carrying case that Tadbit can’t open yet. But she wants to play with those toys so badly! So, we’ve started letting her play with them as long as Mr Siili or I am sitting there with her. She is in heaven! She’ll go find the “treasure chest”, bring it to one of us and plop her bum on the ground with a big grin on her face, waiting for us to open it up. How can you say no to that?

I love my little girl! This year has gone by fast and I know future years will be that same. But I can’t wait to see how this little girl will grow, change and become her own person. At the same time, it will continue to be amazing to see how much a like and yet different she and her brother are. They might share the same genes, but they are definitely their own person.

I love them both and can’t imagine my life without either of them. I count my lucky stars every day.

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True love is…

…collecting and giving all the berries you pick to your child instead of eating them yourself.

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To be fair, he picked some of those also and I did eat a couple while picking.

Another Mother’s Day

When I was little, mother’s day was about my mom. It was nice. I knew nothing else.

Then when I wanted kids and found myself lacking for several years, mother’s day became a hard pill to swallow. But I still had my mom.

Then my mom died and I got pregnant. That first Mother’s Day, while pregnant, was difficult and bittersweet.

And every year since, Mother’s Day has been bittersweet. Some times more sweet than bitter, but often not more bitter than sweet.

Happy Mother’s Day, Robbin​! I think of you often and miss you always. It pains my heart something fierce that you’ll never get to meet my two munchkins. But I know you are near and watching over us. I hope I make you proud.
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Feeling guilt

It’s been 5 days since Tadbit was born and 3 days that us girls have been home to complete our family of 4. This whole thing: being a family of four, having a newborn in the house and life in general, is surreal. It is very different than before. I’m not even sure I can say it is different than what I had imagined, because I’m not even sure what it was that I had imagined before Tadbit was born.

What I do know is that I love Paxlet with my whole heart! And I love Tadbit with with my whole heart, yet I don’t feel it as strongly as I do with Paxlet at the moment. I think the difference in how I feel my love for the two has to do with the fact that I have a history (2 years and 7 months) with Paxlet and Tadbit’s history is just getting started.

But that’s not where I feel the guilt. The guilt comes from another place.

As I sat in Paxlet’s room last night, with Paxlet on my left leg and Tadbit curled up in my right arm, I sang “Sunshine” to Paxlet. You know, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.” At least that is how I sing it to him. As I was singing that, I just started crying. And this is where the guilt comes in. I love my boy so much, that I worry that I (we) have screwed up Paxlet. Not screwed him up in his life or the fact that he won’t or will be a good person. I worry that maybe he should have stayed an only child. We’ve brought a 2nd child into our lives and who knows if we’ve really thought it through in regards to Paxlet. Does Paxlet know how much I/we love him?

I know most of this has to do with my hormones crashing post pregnancy (I remember it well with Paxlet), but man, I love my boy and girl. I just want what is best for them and to be the best parent I can be.

#MicroblogMonday: Now and Then

Paxlet and I headed upstairs this evening to look for paint, specifically if we had any fabric paint*. And we I got sidetracked. I found a box of yarn that was my mom’s, knitted items that my mom had made and then a box of photographs. Man, these photos were a trip back in time! But first, the “now” photos:

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Paxlet took this picture of me last week.

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Paxlet took this picture of Mr Siili/Daddy last week.

I took this picture of Paxlet today. He was pinching his nose and blowing. Hilarity! On his behalf, not mine.

I took this picture of Paxlet today. He was pinching his nose and blowing. Hilarity! On his behalf, not mine.

And for some “then” photos and a bit of story to go with them. Sorry they are a bit blurry, but that is what happens when you want a post to go up today and you don’t have a scanner at home.

Me in July 1992 in the parking grounds of Oregon Country Fair. I was almost 16.

Me in July 1992 in the parking grounds of Oregon Country Fair. I was almost 16.

Mr Siili, May 1, 1999. Hyvää means (lit.) good, but in front of something it means "happy/merry". Paxlet knew this was daddy and asked about the picture a bit, such as what is daddy holding in his hand.

Mr Siili, May 1, 1999.
Hyvä(ä) means (lit.) good, but in front of something it means “happy/merry”.
Paxlet knew this was daddy and asked about the picture a bit, such as what is daddy holding in his hand.

Me, May 1, 1999. Vappu(a) means "May Day" Paxlet recognized me as "äiti/mom".

Me, May 1, 1999.
Vappu(a) means “May Day”
Paxlet recognized me as “äiti/mom”.

And when I asked Paxlet what these were, he immediately said "Äiti". In automatic response, I laugh-snorted in mock offense. Paxlet thought this was hilarious. Hrm.

And when I asked Paxlet what these were, he immediately said “Äiti”. In automatic response, I laugh-snorted in mock offense. Paxlet thought this was hilarious. Hrm.

Then we looked at Grandma S (my stepmom) and Grandma (my mom). I love this picture of my mom, she looks so happy. 1998.

Then we looked at Grandma S (my stepmom) and Grandma (my mom).
I love this picture of my mom, she looks so happy.
1998.

And then we saw Grandma again, Aunt S (my only sister) and Grandpa. When I said "Grandma", Paxlet shyly waved at her. I broke down in tears, although Paxlet thought I was laughing. I gave him a big hug and told him I loved him.

And then we saw Grandma again, Aunt S (my only sister) and Grandpa.
When I said “Grandma”, Paxlet shyly waved at her. I broke down in tears, although Paxlet thought I was laughing. I gave him a big hug and told him I loved him.
1998.

*Do you think acrylic paints can be used on fabrics and not wash off? I want to do a washcloth-paint project, but don’t really want to buy fabric paint.

MicroblogMonday For more microposts, go visit Mel’s blog. (Thanks Kmina for the wording. :D)

Note to my mom

Happy Mother’s day, Robbin. This is the second mother’s day since you passed and the first that I am a full fledged mom.

You were supposed to be here, to see my child and your grandchild. You were supposed to be here to give me advice, wanted and unwanted. You were supposed to be here to delight in seeing him smile (via Skype, but still), chatter his nonsense words (and later his first words and sentences), crawl around and couch-surf at only 8 months. You were supposed to be here so I can call you in the middle of the night (my middle of the night, your day time) when I’m frustrated and sometimes in tears that my little guy won’t sleep and I’m so exhausted. You were just supposed to be here.

But, you’re not here. And I miss you. Happy Mother’s day, Mom.

The post where it’s all roses and rainbow, unicorn farts

Yes, this is going to be one of those sickeningly sweet posts. Life is definitely not perfect, far from it actually, but that is not what this post is about. This post is about how after 4 years and 4 days of waiting for Paxlet to be in my life, he is here and how it couldn’t be any better.

Paxlet is such an easy baby. And it all started once I got pregnant. (Getting pregnant was the nightmare.) The pregnancy itself was easy and so was labor & delivery. Paxlet was born healthy and full-full term, 8 days over the EDD, in fact. All of this ‘easiness’ has just continued in his life.

Paxlet doesn’t cry that much, I can’t remember a single episode going anywhere near an hour. We haven’t had to deal with colic, reflux, or major upset stomach issues. Even when he is fussy or won’t sleep, it’s only for a night or two and I am still able to get some sleep, just not as much as I would like (pre-baby style).

Waking up next to a baby boy whose sparkling eyes light up when he sees me, giving me the biggest grins and smiles while cooing to me, makes up for any tiredness. I’ve come to look forward to the times he wakes up, because I know there are lovely baby grins waiting for me. It just melts my heart.

As Paxlet is getting older (he’s only 10 weeks), his interactions with me and the world are growing. Not only does Paxlet have long (and meaningful) conversations with me (and Mr Siili), he also regularly ‘talks’ to his bunnies hanging from his bouncy seat, giving me a few minutes to make tea and breakfast or get a little something done. It seems every day I hear new sounds coming out of this sweet boy. In fact, just yesterday I heard a piercing squeal of laughter that he hadn’t done before. All I could do was laugh at his cleverness.

There are so many little things I just love to watch Paxlet do. Such as seeing him taking notice of the images on the wallpaper next to his changing table, to sticking his tongue out in response to me and daddy or him licking everything he can get his tongue on. There’s not much I don’t love about Paxlet.

I can’t wait to see what else the future brings us. I’m excited to see how he develops, what sort of person he becomes and learn just how smart he will be. In the mean time, I’m more than content to just be here, right now, with my little boy and see what he does.

Yes, this was a post about a mom who is head over heels and totally in love with her baby boy. He just melts my heart in ways I never dreamt of.