Waiting game

I feel as if my next words are going to sound ungrateful, but they are how I feel right now: I am so sick of being pregnant!

Don’t get me wrong, I have thoroughly enjoyed this pregnancy. I have savored each and every moment of what has been happening to my body. I couldn’t wait to have an actual bump (and not just flab), I impatiently waited to feel Paxlet moving, I’ve enjoyed reaching the 2nd and 3rd trimesters and I’ve even enjoyed the ‘growing pains’ that have accompanied the expanding hips and mid-section. I’ve been extremely lucky and had only one itty bit of spotting very early on, no nausea to really speak of, no health concerns or pregnancy concerns and not even gestational diabetes. This pregnancy has been text book perfect, in my opinion.

That is, I have thoroughly enjoyed this pregnancy, up until a few days ago. After arriving at the 40 week marker, I have found myself slowly getting fed up and frustrated with being pregnant. I just want Paxlet out! I want to meet my little guy! I know that it is 40 weeks, plus or minus two weeks, and that the due date the doctors give us is an estimated date, but I am so over it.

Each day that I wake up and feel no symptoms of impending delivery, I just feel myself getting a bit more anxious and unsettled, not to mention uncomfortable. It is getting hard to sleep comfortably at night and to get out of bed to go pee. It’s not very nice to walk to the bus to take it downtown, but it isn’t so nice to get in and out of the car, or driving, either. I’m definitely walking waddling much more slowly. I hate sweating, even when I just walk out to the car! Maybe all of these things have been happening for some time, but I’m only just now noticing them in a negative light because I want to be done with this part of the journey.

I’m tired of text messages, phone calls, FB messages and emails asking “How are you doing?” and “How are you feeling?” meaning they want to know if I’m still in one piece or have I given birth yet? I love my friends, but am a bit put off that they have asked for me to send a text message when we’re heading to the hospital. They never did that to me when they went into labor. (Yes, I’m bitching, as Mr Siili puts it.) I appreciate that everyone is waiting for our little one to come into this world. They can’t be half as excited and anxious as I am (and possibly Mr Siili). I will let the world know when Paxlet decides to grace us with his presence.

I’m sick of spending so much time at home and mostly alone. I know during the week that Mr Siili is working (thank goodness), but my own company is getting boring. There is only so much in the way of conversation that I can have with Rusty and Mansi. I know there are things I can do and should do around the house that would definitely help to pass the time,but I just can’t be bothered to get up off my butt and do them. At the same time, I don’t want to wander too far from home, because, well, you know…just in case.

I know Paxlet will come when he is good and ready. Unless it is getting closer to 42 weeks, then the hospital notify me to come in and start inducing me.

I’m just tired of this “waiting game”.

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Opposite of Squeeee!!

What’s the opposite of Squeeee? Anti-Squeee? Or maybe it’s Un-Squeee? In any case, the emotion that is the opposite of Squeeee is just sadness and bleh.

Friday during the day, I had a spot of very light pink/brown discharge on my undies and on the toilet paper, once. I decided I couldn’t wait until Saturday morning, so I POAS’d late late Friday night and got a BFN. I stopped using the progesterone suppositories because I figured AF would be on her way soon and I was really sick of the suppositories. It was very nice to go all day Saturday without anything leaking from me! So much so, I even thought of trying to get Mr Siili in the sack with me for a bit of wiggling. It didn’t work, but that was ok. I just had a very lazy day instead and read a book, most of it while I was in bed. I did go out in the evening with some girls from work. We played pool and then had dinner. It was an enjoyable evening. I think I had maybe 1 or two tiny, almost non-existant AF spots during the day, so I really thought AF was on her way.

By the time I woke up and stopped reading in bed on Sunday, AF still wasn’t here, I decided maybe I should still be using the suppositories. Maybe it was too early to test on Friday night. In went the suppository and out came leakage tinged pink/brown and nothing else. And now, here is is Sunday late afternoon, and still no AF. I’m not sure what to make of it all, except that I feel like I am in limbo and I am progressing into a sad state of mind.

I don’t know how much longer I can take this month after month of disappointment. Yet, I fear (know?) if I don’t continue, I’ll never get to my goal of pregnancy and an eventual baby/child. Infertility sucks! I feel alone, even if I rationally know it isn’t true.

I still have a couple more days before Wednesday, which is the day the clinic says I can test, so we’ll see, but I am NOT hopeful at all. To top it all off, my neck decided to spasm and kink yesterday just before I went out. Now it is stiff and hurts, again! I’m going to continue reading now.