Rough Morning

This morning started out like most: The kids woke up before 6:45 and went downstairs to play quietly (and not wake mom). I woke up at 6:45, looked in their empty room and called downstairs to tell them it was time to come upstairs and get ready for the day. Both called out a resounding “no”. *sigh* Mr Siili chimes in that it is time to get ready and to listen to mom. Tadbit comes upstairs a few minutes later and starts getting ready. When Paxlet comes up, his first words are accusatory and angry that I have moved his white paper. It is always my fault when something goes missing or wrong. Even if I wasn’t anywhere near the place or situation. (This time I had actually cleaned the area in question the night before.) Our words immediately become snappy, heated and not pleasant for first words on a Monday morning. Mr Siili comes and separates us and calms the situation down a bit. Once I’m ready, I head downstairs to help Paxlet look for his white square of paper that is “this big”. I find all sorts of papers and then some, but not the paper he wants, which is actually a ‘package’ with treasures/jewels wrapped in it. I vaguely remember seeing something like that, but have no idea where it ended up. I spend 5-10 minutes helping him look for his paper. No luck. However, other pieces of paper are finding their way back to the floor! Every time I turn around there is more paper crap on the floor that wasn’t there literally 5 minutes ago. Paxlet insists he needs a specific conglomerate of taped paper/plastic on the floor, but he can’t tell me why. Can’t? Won’t? Doesn’t know how? I have no idea at this point. More heated words from Paxlet and I. Tadbit is sitting at the table very quietly coloring. I eventually end up back stairs to get the hairbrush for Tadbit’s rat’s nest. I tell Mr Siili that this must be how I was with my mom at this age. And I start crying because I miss my mom. Both kids come up stairs and hug me. All arguments are forgotten and they are only concerned now. Paxlet asks, ‘why are you crying?’ I tell him I miss my mom and want to talk to her, but I can’t. His eyes are concerned and a bit teary. He knows my mom is dead. Tadbit just keeps saying ‘momma, mom-maaa’ over and over again trying to hold my hand. We hug and calm down. Then finish getting ready for daycare and work and head out the door.

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#MicroblogMonday – Four years ago…

…my waters broke. Tomorrow is my little boy’s birthday. How my world has changed.

MicroblogMonday For more microposts, go visit Mel’s post at Stirrup Queens.

Recap: Doula, Child’s Play and Dentist

Ugh, I just suck at blogging on Mondays. I meant to write this on Monday, but by the time I actually had both hands free and a second to breathe without a baby wrapped on me or a toddler talking my ear off, I was just too exhausted to do anything. Last night was the same, however I did manage to at least get this started so Iwouldn’t forget what I wanted to write. Yeah, I do that a lot. I think of something I want to blog about and then don’t write it down so I forget what the topic was, but not the fact that I had a great idea. Such is life.

*****

The doula finally had time to come by and discuss my labor and delivery with Tadbit, among other things. On my hospital notes the midwife said I pushed for 24 minutes. The doula said she calculated 10 minutes. That seems more along what I remember. The doula also said the midwife was saying that “it” was taking too long. Neither of us could figure out what could have been taking too long, as my active labor was less than 3 hours! Mr Siili doesn’t remember the midwife saying anything like that. In any case, I don’t remember much of what anyone was saying to me. Especially not when there was a contraction.

*****

After Paxlet using his word-sounds for play, I realized I do the same in English and must have done the same growing up. Because I caught myself saying “sweep sweep sweep” and “brush brush brush” the other day. I guess what struck me as interesting was hearing it in Finnish.

*****

I went to the dentist twice last week. On Wednesday I was there for 30 minutes to get a cavity/lost filling fixed. While I was in the dentist’s chair, Mr Siili was outside in the car with Tadbit. All went well, even if my tooth is still a bit sensitive (as to be expected).

Friday’s visit was for the root canal tooth. Again, Mr Siili was outside with Tadbit. This appointment was scheduled for 75 minutes. However, I didn’t even get called back until an hour after my appointment started. Mr Siili was not too happy.

The dentist thankfully numbed my tooth very well and I only felt pain/discomfort towards the end of the procedure. However, since the gum (and inside the tooth?) was infected and where she was working started getting painful, she couldn’t finish the root canal. I have another appointment this Friday. My tooth area and jaw was hurting when the appointment was finally over so the dentist was going to give me a Burana (ibuprofen) right then and there and then write me a prescription for it. But because I am nursing I told her I couldn’t have that and asked for Panadol (paracetamol) instead. In the confusion of it all, she forgot to write down the medicine name on the prescription form, which in my addled state I didn’t think to question when I looked at the paper and thus wasn’t discovered until I went to the pharmacy. So, I had to buy a box of 15 1G Panadol for 7,45€, when a bottle of 100, via prescription, cost me about 1€. (Even though I don’t need the bottle of 100 anymore, I took it anyway because this bottle will last me/us for the next 4 years. *big grin*)

Mr Siili is quite upset that I have already been into the dentist 3 times now and still need to go in again before the tooth is fixed (we hope). He has never had a cavity and thus never had a filling. Lucky him. I have tried to tell him that they have done something, what they could, to my tooth each time I have gone in, but that it was too painful and infected to actually do much the first few times. Anyway…I have my next appointment on Friday. This time I have booked a babysitter via the city’s services for Tadbit. Let’s see how the dentist appointment goes and leaving Tadbit home with someone completely unknown to us and for the first time.

The good stuff

First off, thank you everyone for the comments on my last post. They mean very much to me!

I feel as if I’ve done nothing but post about how horrible it is to get Paxlet to sleep without a boob in his mouth these paste few weeks. When in reality, it has only been 3 posts (first post, update, third post) out of the last 12 in two weeks. This is definitely one of those times when it is on my mind so much, that it feels that is all I talk about and that makes it feel overwhelming. As I was pondering this today, before I looked up the hard numbers, I decided I need to write a post about the good things. And even now when I realize it isn’t so bad, I still want to write about the good things. I mean, who doesn’t like to hear about the fuzzy, warm stuff?

Sleeping issues aside, Paxlet is a wonderful, sweet and happy little boy*. And truly, life is that good with him. (Issues with Mr Siili are another matter, but thankfully they aren’t that serious, although they make me want to scream some times.) I feel very lucky (and know I am lucky) to have such a happy, non-colic-y, non-fussy child, that just loves to be with his momma.

I love spending time with Paxlet, seeing him learn new things and how he is developing as a person. I just marvel at what he can do already, especially if I think back to a month or two ago. His learning curve is just amazing!

We started gently using the potty only a couple of weeks ago, but I think he is getting the hang of it. Sure, he can’t tell me yet when he needs to go or that he wants to go on the potty, but if I put him on it regularly, he uses it. It is also tons of fun sitting with him in the bathroom while waiting for him to go. He loves chewing on my hands/fingers, plays with his toes, laughs with me and just seems to have a good time all around.

Paxlet gives the cutest hugs, with slobber on top. He doesn’t give hugs all the time, but I love them when I get them. He’s just a busy little boy with too much to do and see to spend all his time cuddling. Sometimes when he does give a hug, it turns in to a slobber fest with him trying to eat my chin. Mr Siili and I laugh saying I’ve got a vampire on me. Paxlet thinks it is funny and laughs.

This little boy loves, just LOVES our kitties. Maybe someday the feeling will be mutual. Until then, we’ll continue to help him pet the cats and show him how they should be loved without the fur pulling.

Life might not be perfect, but it sure is pretty great. I’m trying to take it one day at a time and remember as much as I can. (The daily journal/blog I keep of Paxlet’s doings sure does help.)

*He is a little boy/toddler these days, he’s no longer a baby, but he will always be my baby!

Life sure is different

Gone are the days when I can sit in front of the computer and play away all day. Well, that isn’t totally true, I can still sit in front of the computer, it’s just much harder to post on my own blog and leave comments on other people’s blogs. I do read everyone’s posts from my phone in the middle of the night while breast feeding, it’s just much more difficult to reply. I hope to someday go back and leave a comment on at least some of the posts.

As I said, life is different and I am loving it. Well, except for maybe the 2,5 hours in the middle of the night when Paxlet is fussy and hungry and won’t go back to sleep. Thankfully we can stay in bed after Mr Siili leaves for work for the day and catch up on some of our sleep.

I’m in the process of writing up our birth story, but it is taking quite some time as most of the time it is being written one-handed. Thinking of you all!

In the 1WW and some candid thoughts

So, uhm, yeah, next week on Friday morning, I get to POAS if AF hasn’t already shown up. I guess we’ll see what happens, won’t we?

At this point in time, I’m feeling totally indifferent to it all. I’m not excited about the possibility of being pregnant, if anything I’m sort of dreading it. I know! Who would have thunk, that after almost 3,5 years of trying to get pregnant, that I’d dread getting pregnant? I have my reasons though and I’m going to share them with you.

First off, I’ve been thinking about it for some time now that maybe we/I should take a break from TTC. I mean, it has been almost 3,5 years, with close to 2 of those years adding hormones to my body. Also, once we’ve gone through our 3 rounds of IVF and any FETs at the public clinic, I’m done. If we wanted to continue with fertility treatments, we’d need to go through a private clinic. I’m not sure Mr Siili will agree to that. I’m afraid he’ll say we have tried what we can and if 3 rounds, what more can be done? I’m also afraid he won’t be willing to shell out the added cash any more.

Also, I worry at times that maybe Mr Siili and I just won’t make a good family. We argue over the stupidest of stuff. Thankfully not too often. But many of our heated discussions are over the same exact things that we’ve been discussing for years on end. We just don’t seem to know how to resolve them. Mr Siili doesn’t want to go to counseling and I’m too chicken and lazy to go on my own. I’m also not sure if Mr Siili really wants to be a dad. Sure, if it happens he’d step up to the plate and be a great dad, most of the time. But then there are those times that worry me a bit.

More recently, finances. We’re in the process of talking to banks to see if we can get a loan for our new place. A loan that will own us for the next 23-25 years! And right now, we’re operating off of one income, some unemployment and some savings, but savings only go so far. Especially with a loan looming. I also haven’t been the bestest about finances and making a financial plan. That’s not to say that I’ve been totally horrible either, just not as good and efficient as I should be. Yes, I know I work in the finance department at my work, but I work in a specific area and with specific tasks. Yes, I also know I went to Int’l Business School, but a lot of what they taught us there was crap and not always useful in the day to day world. Sad, but true.

Along this finance line of thought, Mr Siili is concerned that I’m trying to make my decision to stop TTC for a while a “financial decision”, which he says it isn’t. We aren’t trying to get pregnant for the sake of saving money or to gain money. Money is just money and it is something we need to live, but at the same time it shouldn’t stop us from living life (to an extent).

To tie all of these thoughts and concerns together, I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never become a mom. (No, I don’t think adoption is an option for us.) This scares the crap out of me. I’m not ready to think this or admit this might be a possibility, but I really do think I need to start thinking about it. Right this instant, I don’t feel as if I could live a fulfilled life without a kid and that’s a pretty bad place to be. So, in trying not to get my hopes up or let my hopes down, I’m indifferent. I’d also like to know whether or not I need to continue leaking progesterone from my lady bits on a daily basis or not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I’ll be elated (and worried) if I do get a BFP next week.

Name change

 I did it! I’ve changed the name of my blog from ‘life in finland – elämä suomessa’ to ‘BattleFish’. I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time and even more so the last few days. The previous name just wasn’t me. It never really felt right, nor did it encompass what I wanted. Yes, I’m still living in Finland and I don’t see that changing (ever), but my life and what I am blogging is more than just being in Finland. Lately most of my posts have to do with my husband’s and my journey TTC #1 (from my view point of course). But I also blather about my friends, family, daily events, thoughts, feelings, Finland and really, just whatever is happening in my world and head at the time.

This new name has a lot more meaning to it on several levels. First, BattleFish is a nickname my husband calls me sometimes. Especially when I’m in a contrary and bratty mood. He’ll usually call me this when my bad-moodedness (new word) is not fully serious, but yet nothing he says or does is right and I just want to pick a fight or at least bicker. Hubby can tell me I’m being a BattleFish and it will most likely make me smile and then make it hard for me to continue on in the same manner., especially when I know I’m being a bratty. Now, if I’m truly in a fowl mood, this will only anger me more. Secondly, when I started thinking of the word(s) BattleFish, I am battling. I’m battling to get pregnant, battling to start a family, battling to keep my sanity, battling to just be me and to be happy with it. Thirdly, I quite like the name. It’s cute, but not in a girly way.

The only thing I’m not quite sure I like with this new look is the background design and color. It might change in the next few days.

And on to other stuff…
This morning (afternoon), when hubby and I woke up, we laid in bed for a while discussing our cat game that we are designing. This game has been something that we’ve been discussing and designing for some several years now. I do hope we’ll finish it someday and actually publish it.

Once we got out of bed, we went to look where our house (duplex) complex is going to be built. Right now, it is just a roughly leveled area of land. It was hubby’s first time seeing it. Yes, we signed papers for the place before hubby even went to see where it was going to be built. He knew the area, but just not what it exactly looked like. He said the area for the complex is small and possibly cramped. 😦 It does sort of look that way, but I am confident it will be ok. In any case, it will be ours and we’ll only share one very well insulated wall with someone.

Today is 4dpFET. I’m still taking Zu.menon (estradiol hemihydrate) and Lu.gesteron (pro.gesterone) 3 times a day. The pills don’t bother me, but sometimes I just really can’t stand the suppositories. (Do you think it makes a huge difference if I “forget” a suppository every once in a great while, just to give my lady bits a break?) I don’t seem to have any of the side effects people talk about. I admit, I had to google what sort of side effects are common, as I really just don’t feel anything at the moment. No sore boobs, no bloating, no more irritation or irritability than normal. For good or bad, I just feel like me.

To finish this post and evening off, hubby and I are watching the Finnish-Swedish world hockey championship. Go Finland!!!