It has been done

We have finally stated Paxlet’s name* publicly. I am glad to be able to call him by his name and not Paxlet and BabyBoy, although I think I’ll still call him BabyBoy for some time, as that is what he is: my baby boy.

We finished cleaning, cooking and getting the house ready in the morning. Mid-day, Mr Siili and I took Paxlet for a walk. Just as we crossed the street to start our walk, I fell down. I have no idea what happened. One second I was walking and pushing the stroller, the next I was on all fours in the gravel. Because it happened to quickly, I even took the stroller down with me, but thankfully Paxlet was snuggled up in the stroller and was only scooted down to the bottom half of it. Me on the other hand, I’m quite sore today. I bruised both knees, scraped up the left knee, have a bruise on my left arm and the outer edge of my right foot hurts quite badly and is half bruised. After a bit of rest, cold and putting my foot up (but not nearly enough) yesterday, it is feeling a bit better today. I’m still walking slowly and carefully and limping. Doh!

When Mr Siili’s family arrived, we chatted, ate, told the name and then had dessert and chatted some more. Everyone seemed to like the name. At least no one openly spoke against it.

Flowers from Mr Siili’s parents.

A few hours later, I Skyped with my family and told them the name also. My sister and aunt liked the name. My dad didn’t say much and my stepmom just got the spelling correct and left the room without having said much. It seems I’ve pissed her off again. I have no idea if it has to do with the whole naming ceremony (and it not going as she has tried to plan it) or if she is upset that Paxlet and I are not traveling to the US for a week in the next couple of months. Although, that’s another post in and of itself.

After sharing Paxlet’s name with friends (on FB), I have learned that two friends have also given their son the same middle name as our boy. Doh! I had no idea! AND I found out my good friend R’s husband’s brothers first and second name are exactly the same. I knew about the first name, but not the second. I guess we’ve got good names, eh?

*As I said earlier, I don’t feel comfortable revealing our boy’s name here on my blog. I will continue to refer to him as Paxlet, but if someone would like to learn his name, I’d be willing to share it with you privately.
Shoot me an email at jsththr at gmail dot com.

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Skype with my sister

It’s 1:15am and I really should be in bed. But I just got done with a Skype call to my sister. My poor sister was in tears from the get go. She’s hurting. Badly. Not only did our mom die a month ago, but her best friend was murdered a couple of months before that. She’s having a really hard time with life right now. She’s questioning life itself and what’s the point of it? And the only thing I can tell her is that I’ve been there too. I know! We all just have to figure out what life means for us. I also know that in the mind frame she was in, those words weren’t much help.

I feel so bad and guilty for being half a world away. I feel like I am getting off easy. I’m not there in our mom’s (former) place every day, going through her shit and trying to figure out what to get rid of and what to keep. I so desperately would love to be there with her right now. But I can’t and it just plain sucks. I miss my sister. I miss my mom. I miss my entire family.

grandma, mom, kids

First off, let me preface this by saying I know my blog has been a real downer lately. But I really need to work through my thoughts and feelings on losing my mom. I know that with time, wounds will be healed, or at least scabbed over a bit more, but right now these wounds are still so raw and the thoughts just won’t stop going round and round my head.

As I mentioned of over at Mel’s Lushary post, doing some of the most mundane daily stuff has become much harder since my mom died. Things like doing dishes, taking a shower, going for a walk alone and other brainless activities gives my mind time to wander. And when my mind wanders, it usually ends up on the subject of my mom. And eventually, if not immediately, my mind turns to kids and my lack of giving my mom grandchildren. Not for the lack of trying, but still, I wasn’t able to give my mom any grandkids before she died. What’s more, if I ever have any kids, they will never know my mom. And that’s what this post is going to be about: my mom, her (not) being a grandma, me potentially being a mom and my potential future kids.

I know for a fact that my mom would have been a great grandma. How can I be so certain about this, you ask? Well, she played grandma to several other kids recently. At my mom’s memorial, a girl that my mom had worked with has young twins came and talked to me. This girl told me that at a co-workers going away party, my mom sat with and played with the twins most of the party. She just loved holding them and entertaining them. Another friend of the family has a little boy and this friend told me that my mom was like a grandma to her kid. My mom was always nice to the little boy and gave him some of her knitted hats whenever they’d visit. My mom was supposed to do all of these things for MY kids and HER own grandkids. This will never happen now. And it kills me!

I also remember when I was 17 or 18 years old and someone we knew (I want to say it was a high school friend) was pregnant with her first kid. My mom went to the salvation army over several weeks and bought her 2 huge paper bags full of cute baby clothes! At the time, I was jealous of the attention my mom showed towards this girl. I know part of my jealousy was that my mom didn’t want me having kids that young (she was 18 when she had me), but how could she support this girl who was doing just what she didn’t want me to do? I also know/see (now) that we had a rough time in our relationship when I was younger. I know that my mom was just being the good and kind person she was. She helped others and she liked kids, especially when they weren’t her own anymore and she didn’t have to take care of them 24/7. LOL. But it still hurts that she’ll never be able to do that for me.

For my mom to have become a grandma, it would mean that I would have had to be a mom. This hurts too. Hubby and I have tried for almost 3 years now (next month is the “anniversary”). Not a single BFP in sight, not even a false BFP or one that turned into a loss. Nothing! The only thing that I seem to be able to take comfort in my not being a mom before my mom died was that I finally started telling her what exactly we were going through. She knew about all of our failed IUI’s, the two failed IVF’s and failed FET. It was nice to talk to her about these things. Yet, there were and are still many things that I never got to ask and most likely won’t ever find out. I’ll ask my dad, but I doubt he’ll know.
On a side note, my mom thought that maybe I should take out all my piercings. Maybe the metal bits were disrupting my body’s normal flow of things. I told her I wasn’t ready for that yet and besides, many Indian women have their noses pierced on the left side, as it is supposed to make childbirth easier. I’m still undecided about taking all of my jewelry out. I’d feel so naked and unrecognizable to myself.
I’m still quite upset that I was not able to be a mom before my mom died. She was supposed to come visit when I had a kid (she would have had 9 months to prepare, after all). She was supposed to be here and help me. She was going to come see me.

And then, there’s my potential kids, some day. They will never get to meet my mom, their grandma. She will always just be stories, my memories, some words, a knitted hat or sweater and some pictures that we have laying around. But my mom will never be their flesh and blood grandma! (I know I have my stepmom. I am very grateful for her, but she will never be my mom.) This is not fucking fair!!

I wanted my mom to meet my kids. I wanted my kids to get to know my mom. I know that by living half a world away my mom wasn’t going to see them every week or even every month, but we had Skype with a video (the video part wasn’t yet set up, but that is beside the point). My kids would have gotten to know their grandma and we would visit. But now, that will never happen. Never! And it kills me. It is what eats me up inside the most. I’m not sure how to reconcile my thoughts and feelings about this. Will time just make it hurt less? Will I ever get over it? What do I do in the mean time? I’m tired of constantly going over all of these thoughts and scenarios in my head each time I have a quiet moment in my head.

My mom is dead

I got the dreaded call this evening (morning in the US) that my mom died of a heart attack today. I’m in shock, hurting, crying and in pain. I miss my mom! I’ll never get to talk to her again! She will never get to meet any of my children. We won’t get to go to Scotland together. No more knitted items from her. No more Skype calls with us sharing links of knitting stuff we like. She was too young to die. I’ll never get to do anything with her again. I want my mom back!

Lowest low in 2 years

So, this cycle of my period marks 23 months that hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant. And last week’s Tuesday marks the lowest of lows I have had during this time. My period had started a couple of days before (although not unexpected), so I was feeling quite bummed from that. Then I found out that a friend of mine is pregnant again. I just lost it. I started crying, shaking, hyperventilating… Then I would calm down for a sec and start up again. This is how I was all evening. I couldn’t eat, do dishes, read, think, nothing! Why not me? When is it my turn!?

This is the same friend that was expressing/complaining that she was worried/concerned that she might not be able to get pregnant a 2nd time. I didn’t understand what her worries were at that point because she got pregnant on her wedding night and her little one was only 9-10months old! And here she was saying this to me, who had been trying unsuccessfully for 20months, at the time, and another friend of ours who has been trying for several years with a couple of miscarriages. I don’t have words to explain the frustration, confusion, dumbfoundedness and incomprehension that is going on in my head. What was she thinking when she was telling us this? She just doesn’t get it, does she?

Last week, I just didn’t feel that I could be happy for anyone else. I was tired of putting on a happy face and saying “congratulations” and asking interested questions. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had no happiness in me. All that was in me was a huge, dark, deep, black hole that physically hurt. Hurt so painfully bad.

This week, I am still saddened, but feeling much better. I have a brighter outlook and a bit of hope in my heart. This month is our 4th month of fertility treatments, but today was our second attempt with intra-uterine insemination (IUI). Hubby’s sample was really great and healthy and I have 2 mature follicles. Let’s hope his tadpoles meet with at least one of my eggs.