Thoughts on round two

I’m 38 years old today*. In many ways, it’s just another day in the life of me. In other ways, it’s me getting another year older. I don’t feel any different than I did yesterday. Birthdays just are.

This birthday has been a good one. We, the three of us, went downtown for a late breakfast and bought some yummy desserts to bring home and eat. My goodness, were they yummy! Mr Siili and Paxlet made me a cute card with their hand prints drawn on it, some stickers stuck to it and Mr Siili colored it in.

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So many thoughts about being pregnant again. Some happy, some scared, but many scattered and confused.

I was going to call my clinic, where all of our previous treatments were done at and where we have 1 frozen embryo, as soon as they opened after summer holidays  (all of July). However, as AF was supposed to arrive on the 24th of July, I would have had to wait until the end of August. That is now a moot point. If this pregnancy sticks around, we won’t be using or needing that one little embryo.

I truly never thought I would get pregnant on my own, without lots of drugs and a doctor’s help. Yet, here I am. Why me? How did I/we get so lucky? Mind you, I’m not complaining, but this is what runs through my head. We’re excited, yet a bit scared.  Not about the pregnancy itself, but about bringing a new dimension into our happy family of three. As Mr Siili said to me, “we’re just getting used to this life with Paxlet”. How different is it going to be with another? Also, Paxlet has been so easy as a baby** and now a toddler. This second child could have colic, reflux, not want to sleep or a myriad other things. I know I dreamed about a sibling for Paxlet, but now that this is possibly happening, I’m a bit unsure and as I said, scared. Things will work themselves out, it will just take a bit of time.

Getting to experience pregnancy all over again is like  a dream come true!I truly enjoyed my pregnancy with Paxlet. I had very little morning sickness (mild nausea sometimes), I only spotted once around 7-8 weeks and my back didn’t kill me like I feared it would. Although, I do hope some things will be more relaxed as I know more of what to expect this time around. So far, I’m still checking for spotting each time i go to bathroom. Or maybe even more often. Some things die hard. I also can’t wait to do weekly pictures. I want to compare the differences in these pregnancies.

Twins? Oh no! Please no! I know the first time around I thought it would be sort of cool, but this time, no way. I know how much effort one baby takes, I don’t “need” two this time around. Looking a gift horse in the mouth much?

Again, gift horse. I’m sort of hoping for another boy. I know how boys are built now and I know what to do. But girls? They would have girlie parts! LOL. On a serious note, as always, I really just want that this baby sticks around and will be born healthy and happy.

I’m glad I’ve dragged my feet and that we still have most of Paxlet’s stuff. I have sold or given some things away, but the majority of it, we still have. We will need a new-to-us bouncy seat, nursing pillow and breast pads… I will also need some maternity clothes. I do still have my favorite black pants and those should work well during the winter! Yay!

This time around I’m going to tell some people earlier. I know that no matter what happens, I will tell these people. I would like their happiness and support no matter what. So far, I’ve told one of my brother’s (older of the two) already. I’ll tell I told my sister and my dad (& by default stepmom) if when we Skyped tonight. I will tell Mr Siili’s mom tomorrow (as for some silly reason Mr Siili doesn’t want to). I’m not sure about his siblings. They’ll learn at some point. My closest friends and I will be getting together on Thursday. I’ll tell them then. I’m excited about this and already know how I will tell them. *big grin* Work people can wait a bit, and FBb even longer.

All these thoughts, just swirling around in my head.This is such a strange place to be.

 

*So it’s after midnight here in Finland and technically no longer my birthday, but I haven’t gone to sleep yet, so I can still call it my birthday.

**Even when I was having a hard time with sleep and Pax wanting to be at my boobs all. Night. Long.

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Two years on

Edited: I wrote this in the morning, but only got the pictures added this evening.

Two years ago to this day, my mom died. Technically it was a Sunday and Father’s day, but I refuse to mar Father’s day for my dad. (I know my stepmom does that well enough.)

I’m still hurting and missing my mom. I still have questions about how she did things when we were kids and when milestones happened and they will still never be answered by her. I feel there is so much I never got to know about her as a person and I wish I had asked more about her life and what it was like for her growing up, even if it wasn’t always the best. But I also try to remember the things she taught me (knitting, some baking) and how we were working on our relationship in a good way. These things will never change. Some days are worse than others. But the fact remains the same, I miss my mom something fierce.

Today I am remembering her with some tears,  some smiles and a knitted and felted flower in my hair (that she made).
IMG_20130619_083737  IMG_20130619_083452
Please excuse the tear stained face, I’m missing my mom.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. -Dr. Seuss

Is this really real?

I haven’t had to pinch myself, but sometimes I still find myself wondering if this, actually having a child, is really happening. Usually this feeling of un-reality happens when Paxlet and I are on the bus and I am moving the stroller over for another mom & stroller to get on or off the bus. Or when I am pushing the stroller down the street and I pass another mom pushing her stroller. Even sometimes seeing a small kid interact with their parent and it dawns on me that I’ll have an experience like that sometime in the near future-ish. And even still, when I am at home with Paxlet snuggling with him or doing something totally mundane.

Paxlet is 6,5 months old and I still can’t believe it at times that I actually have a little boy to call my very own. This really is real!!

Now that that’s finally over, we can get back to normalcy

Finally, xmas and all this ‘merry making’ is done and over with. This year’s christmas has just left me in a bad mood. I can’t quite pinpoint what it is that affected me so, but I’m just feeling bleh and a bit BattleFish-y. I could make all sorts of excuses as to why I’m not in the cheeriest of moods, such as:
I didn’t get any candy for xmas,
We were horrible first time parents and didn’t take any “baby’s first xmas” photos,
I’m missing my mom,
I only got a couple of gifts,
We left our cats at home for the night so that there wasn’t dog drama,
Mr Siili and I argued more than I’d like (over mostly stupid crap) and
the whole trip to the in-laws was rushed and stressful.

But really, those are just sorry excuses, well, all except for missing my mom. What I really should be thinking and remember is the following:
I have the happy and healthy baby I’ve been wanting for years!,
My dad and sister visiting earlier this month was a wonderful early xmas gift. Not to mention the brand new laptop and other items they brought for Paxlet and I,
I have my health,
I have a great husband (most of the time),
We spent time at my in-laws, who made wonderful xmas food and even sent some of it home with us, including candies, brie and blue cheese!,
Paxlet inched his way across the bed by himself for the first time (butt up in the air and then pushed himself forward, face down leaving a “snail slime trail”) and
I Skyped with my entire family in the US this evening.

Tomorrow’s just another day and for that I’m very thankful. I hope everyone has enjoyed their holidays, whatever it is you celebrate. I’m just read to go back to my normal everyday life, starting right now, by going to bed.

Paxlet and Momma points

I saw this image on a blog the other day and thought is SO very perfect right now. My boobs have always been on the large side, but now, they are even huge-r (yes, my own word) with milk.

Below are some bulleted things that have been going through my mind since Paxlet has been born.

Paxlet
-He is so darned cute! Yes, I’m very biased.

-We’re quite sure we have Paxlet’s aka BabyBoy’s proper name chosen. We’ll announce it to family in two weekends from now when he’s a month old. I won’t  be announcing it on here (not ever? at least not for now), but after our families know, I can tell people who want to know via email (jsthtr at gmail dot com).

-Paxlet loves boob and he’s a great eater. It definitely shows in his weight gain.
Birth: 3610g (7,9 lbs)
Leaving hospital 3 days later: 3400g
One week old: 3570g
Two weeks one day: 3980g (8,7 lbs)

-Also, if I take too long getting said boob to him when he is hungry, as soon as he sees the boob coming for him, he gets very excited and starts waving his hands around. On the flip side, when he’s had enough to eat he starts playing with my boobs. I believe Mr Siili is jealous of this.

-In the beginning (AS IF we are that far away from the beginning already), Paxlet absolutely hated his diaper being changed, now it isn’t always so bad. I don’t blame him really. One moment you’re happily dressed and warm, the next your clothes are being torn off you and leaving you buck naked and cold!

-This BabyBoy likes looking at his momma. And his momma likes looking at him.

-Paxlet doesn’t like laying down by himself. Again, this is something that is improving with time.

-We gave Paxlet his first bath at two weeks old. He seemed ok with it, but mostly just confused and not sure what to think of it. He seemed to enjoy taking a shower with me, a couple of days later, much more.

-The easiest way to get BabyBoy to fall asleep and stay asleep (esp at home) is to put him in his Snugli and walk around a bit. Once he’s asleep, I can take it off and put him in his sitter-chair. He also sleeps very well when we go anywhere with the stroller. In fact, today he slept for 2 hours in the stroll while we went to the store and then he slept another 1,5 hours just in the stroller while it sat on the back porch.

Momma
-Mr Siili has always referred to me as Momma to the cats and so that is how I’ve started referring to myself with BabyBoy. I have no idea what I would like him to call me once he starts talking. Mom? Mommy? Mother? By name? (It’s how I always called my Dad and Mom.)

-Did I mention how much I love my little boy? He’s definitely filled a hole that was in my heart.

-So far, BabyBoy isn’t much of a crier.

-I don’t like the nights when he is awake for 2 to 2,5 hour feeds and/or just general awake-ness in the middle of the night. Thankfully he doesn’t do it every night and I can usually get some of that sleep back in the morning with BabyBoy sleeping on my chest.

-I’m not quite getting the help I need or want from Mr Siili. It is frustrating to say the least and has had me in tears several times already. Sometimes I think it might be easier being a single parent, just because then I would know what needs to be done and when it would get done (if at all) because I would be the one 100% responsible for it. I can only hope that as time goes on, things will get better. In the mean time, I’m trying to hold my tongue and do what I need to do to make me happy.

-I love being able to see over my tummy again and being able to bend over and dry my lower legs and ankles easily. I also love being able to shave/trim my lady bits. Being “big” and awkward for the end of the pregnancy made me wonder how much over weight people manage? Not being able to bend at the waist or see the lower half of your body? I will do everything in my power to not ever let myself get like that.

-While Mr Siili and Paxlet love my big boobs, I don’t! Don’t get me wrong, I love that I can feed my baby, but I just don’t like having big boobs. It just feels like they are swinging around as I walk or always in the way.

-My stitches have finally dissolved! Now I just wish the bleeding would go away. Ugh! I hate bleeding.

-In other post-preganncy news, I’m wearing a pair of my regular pre-pregnancy jeans and corduroy pants. Albeit, they are pants that needed a belt to be used with them, if I didn’t want to be constantly pulling them up, and they will be needing a belt again soon. Thirteen of the 22 kilos that I gained during pregnancy have already disappeared!! I’m now only 9 kilos heavier than when I got pregnant. I’m liking this! Although, I do feel a bit fat at times. I blame it on the hormones for making me irrational.

Waiting game

I feel as if my next words are going to sound ungrateful, but they are how I feel right now: I am so sick of being pregnant!

Don’t get me wrong, I have thoroughly enjoyed this pregnancy. I have savored each and every moment of what has been happening to my body. I couldn’t wait to have an actual bump (and not just flab), I impatiently waited to feel Paxlet moving, I’ve enjoyed reaching the 2nd and 3rd trimesters and I’ve even enjoyed the ‘growing pains’ that have accompanied the expanding hips and mid-section. I’ve been extremely lucky and had only one itty bit of spotting very early on, no nausea to really speak of, no health concerns or pregnancy concerns and not even gestational diabetes. This pregnancy has been text book perfect, in my opinion.

That is, I have thoroughly enjoyed this pregnancy, up until a few days ago. After arriving at the 40 week marker, I have found myself slowly getting fed up and frustrated with being pregnant. I just want Paxlet out! I want to meet my little guy! I know that it is 40 weeks, plus or minus two weeks, and that the due date the doctors give us is an estimated date, but I am so over it.

Each day that I wake up and feel no symptoms of impending delivery, I just feel myself getting a bit more anxious and unsettled, not to mention uncomfortable. It is getting hard to sleep comfortably at night and to get out of bed to go pee. It’s not very nice to walk to the bus to take it downtown, but it isn’t so nice to get in and out of the car, or driving, either. I’m definitely walking waddling much more slowly. I hate sweating, even when I just walk out to the car! Maybe all of these things have been happening for some time, but I’m only just now noticing them in a negative light because I want to be done with this part of the journey.

I’m tired of text messages, phone calls, FB messages and emails asking “How are you doing?” and “How are you feeling?” meaning they want to know if I’m still in one piece or have I given birth yet? I love my friends, but am a bit put off that they have asked for me to send a text message when we’re heading to the hospital. They never did that to me when they went into labor. (Yes, I’m bitching, as Mr Siili puts it.) I appreciate that everyone is waiting for our little one to come into this world. They can’t be half as excited and anxious as I am (and possibly Mr Siili). I will let the world know when Paxlet decides to grace us with his presence.

I’m sick of spending so much time at home and mostly alone. I know during the week that Mr Siili is working (thank goodness), but my own company is getting boring. There is only so much in the way of conversation that I can have with Rusty and Mansi. I know there are things I can do and should do around the house that would definitely help to pass the time,but I just can’t be bothered to get up off my butt and do them. At the same time, I don’t want to wander too far from home, because, well, you know…just in case.

I know Paxlet will come when he is good and ready. Unless it is getting closer to 42 weeks, then the hospital notify me to come in and start inducing me.

I’m just tired of this “waiting game”.

Look what I got yesterday!

My co-workers are the greatest!! This is what they gave me (and another one like it, with different colors, to our co-worker who is just as pregnant as me) yesterday.

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I’ve worked at this company for just over 4 years and I still like what I do and who I work with! Our team has a good working atmosphere and we all seem to get along quite well. Lots of joking, helping one another out and chatting all around. Sure there has been the occasional person that has bugged me more than normal, but that has been few and far and inbetween.

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There was a meeting that me and the other pregnant lady weren’t invited to yesterday. I hadn’t really noticed that our section of the floor had cleared out and was very quite, but one of our team mates stopped by my desk with the other pregnant girl and told me there was a meeting right then. *Strange* I told her I wasn’t notified of it and that I was busy doing stuff. She got a bit flustered and said I had to come to the meeting. I lightly huffed and said I’d join, but first I had to make a pit stop in the bathroom. The other pregnant girl agreed and made a pit stop too. *Strange* We were the last two up to the meeting room and everyone was waiting outside the door. As we walked up to the group, one of the guys gestured to us to go in…and I knew for sure something was up! As we the two of us opened the door, we saw our diaper cakes sitting right there on the end of the table for us. Talk about a great moment of surprise and happiness!