#MicroblogMonday – Remembering

Thanksgiving is this Thursday. Some years, it sneaks up on me and others I am very much aware of it. It’s what happens when a holiday isn’t celebrated where you live (and you’ve been away from country for the holiday for most of 17 years). I think this year it has mostly sneaked* up on me. I mean, I knew Thanksgiving was coming, but I didn’t really start feeling it until just the other day and especially last night.

The night before Thanksgiving is when my grandma died. I was 14. I had wanted to stay the night at a friend’s house that night, but my mom wouldn’t let me. But that next morning she said I could go to my friends. I thought it strange, but being 14, I didn’t think about it much further. Until that evening after the Thanksgiving festivities had ended and my mom told us the news. We ended up leaving to my grandparents house the next day.

I remember that I didn’t have my school work with me. We were reading Great Expectations in English class. I remember Perrin (4 years older than me) taking me and my siblings to a truck stop for hot chocolate while we were in my grandparents’ hometown. He had taught me how to play pool that summer. And I had a huge 14 year old girl crush on him. (It would never ever be anything more, because he was a proper Mormon boy.) I remember seeing my grandmother in her open casket. It was her, but it wasn’t. It was also the first (and only?) time I’ve seen a dead person. I remember the dress I wore to the funeral: the same turquoise dress I wore to my 8th grade dance. (My grandmother wouldn’t have wanted me to be sad and wear black my mom told me.) I remember the last conversation I had with my grandma. She was telling me that she might get her ears pierced.

I remember.

 

*Sneaked is a correct past tense form of snuck, I googled it.

MicroblogMonday For more microposts, go visit Mel’s post at Stirrup Queens.

Advertisements

#MicroblogMonday: Now and Then

Paxlet and I headed upstairs this evening to look for paint, specifically if we had any fabric paint*. And we I got sidetracked. I found a box of yarn that was my mom’s, knitted items that my mom had made and then a box of photographs. Man, these photos were a trip back in time! But first, the “now” photos:

100_3097

Paxlet took this picture of me last week.

100_3112

Paxlet took this picture of Mr Siili/Daddy last week.

I took this picture of Paxlet today. He was pinching his nose and blowing. Hilarity! On his behalf, not mine.

I took this picture of Paxlet today. He was pinching his nose and blowing. Hilarity! On his behalf, not mine.

And for some “then” photos and a bit of story to go with them. Sorry they are a bit blurry, but that is what happens when you want a post to go up today and you don’t have a scanner at home.

Me in July 1992 in the parking grounds of Oregon Country Fair. I was almost 16.

Me in July 1992 in the parking grounds of Oregon Country Fair. I was almost 16.

Mr Siili, May 1, 1999. Hyvää means (lit.) good, but in front of something it means "happy/merry". Paxlet knew this was daddy and asked about the picture a bit, such as what is daddy holding in his hand.

Mr Siili, May 1, 1999.
Hyvä(ä) means (lit.) good, but in front of something it means “happy/merry”.
Paxlet knew this was daddy and asked about the picture a bit, such as what is daddy holding in his hand.

Me, May 1, 1999. Vappu(a) means "May Day" Paxlet recognized me as "äiti/mom".

Me, May 1, 1999.
Vappu(a) means “May Day”
Paxlet recognized me as “äiti/mom”.

And when I asked Paxlet what these were, he immediately said "Äiti". In automatic response, I laugh-snorted in mock offense. Paxlet thought this was hilarious. Hrm.

And when I asked Paxlet what these were, he immediately said “Äiti”. In automatic response, I laugh-snorted in mock offense. Paxlet thought this was hilarious. Hrm.

Then we looked at Grandma S (my stepmom) and Grandma (my mom). I love this picture of my mom, she looks so happy. 1998.

Then we looked at Grandma S (my stepmom) and Grandma (my mom).
I love this picture of my mom, she looks so happy.
1998.

And then we saw Grandma again, Aunt S (my only sister) and Grandpa. When I said "Grandma", Paxlet shyly waved at her. I broke down in tears, although Paxlet thought I was laughing. I gave him a big hug and told him I loved him.

And then we saw Grandma again, Aunt S (my only sister) and Grandpa.
When I said “Grandma”, Paxlet shyly waved at her. I broke down in tears, although Paxlet thought I was laughing. I gave him a big hug and told him I loved him.
1998.

*Do you think acrylic paints can be used on fabrics and not wash off? I want to do a washcloth-paint project, but don’t really want to buy fabric paint.

MicroblogMonday For more microposts, go visit Mel’s blog. (Thanks Kmina for the wording. :D)

Happy Turkey-day (or stim day 5)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you are able to find many things you are thankful for this year and during this holiday season. I do have many things to be thankful for, but this time of the year has always been a bit bittersweet ever since I moved so far away from my family. The holidays just aren’t the same as what they used to be. We don’t have Halloween or Thanksgiving here in Finland, but we do have Christmas, even if it isn’t celebrated the same as in the USA.

Thanksgiving has been touched with a drop of sorrow since my grandma died in 1990. She was my favorite grandma and only 66 (3 days short of her 67th birthday). My mom’s mom died Thanksgiving eve in her sleep. I was 14 years old and all of us grandkids had just spent the summer with her that year. I am thankful for that summer, but I still wish I had more time with her. (Isn’t that always the case about the deceased?) My last conversation with my grandma was about how she was thinking of getting her ears pierced! I remember thinking how cool she was for wanting to get them pierced even though she was old. This was also the grandma that “hired” an 18 year old boy/man to take us kids to the pool and hang out with us that summer. My mom never could believe that her mom would hire such a boy (Mormon, sweet and innocent that he was!) to watch after us kids, especially since I WAS 14 and noticing boys. LOL

This year is going to be tinged with more bitter than sweet as it is the first year without my mom. I’m still missing her, a lot!

Right now is feeling much worse because of Thanksgiving, hormones from IVF and stress with finances for our new place we are trying to buy. I haven’t been sleeping well or enough the last few nights. I’m fighting off a cold, which I hope doesn’t get any worse, because I just can’t miss work (but if it comes down to it, I will miss it and that’s that). I do have my first appointment with a therapist tomorrow morning. I’m quite nervous about it and I’m also quite sure I’ll leave there with puffy eyes. I also have another clinic appointment to see how things are progressing with the hormones. I’m worried that maybe I shouldn’t be trying to get pregnant right now with the stress of buying our place, I’m not sure we have enough money and having a kid won’t make it any easier. Bleh, I hate feeling so horrible.

To end this post in a slightly more positive note, I’d like to say I’m thankful for each and every person who reads and comments on my blog. I appreciate every single word!! (I know I’m being totally horrible this month about reading and commenting for ICLW. I’m sorry.) I’m also thankful for my husband who puts up with all of my shit (and there is a lot of it). And most of all, I’m just trying to be thankful for everything. It’s not always easy, but I’ve got to keep trying.

grandma, mom, kids

First off, let me preface this by saying I know my blog has been a real downer lately. But I really need to work through my thoughts and feelings on losing my mom. I know that with time, wounds will be healed, or at least scabbed over a bit more, but right now these wounds are still so raw and the thoughts just won’t stop going round and round my head.

As I mentioned of over at Mel’s Lushary post, doing some of the most mundane daily stuff has become much harder since my mom died. Things like doing dishes, taking a shower, going for a walk alone and other brainless activities gives my mind time to wander. And when my mind wanders, it usually ends up on the subject of my mom. And eventually, if not immediately, my mind turns to kids and my lack of giving my mom grandchildren. Not for the lack of trying, but still, I wasn’t able to give my mom any grandkids before she died. What’s more, if I ever have any kids, they will never know my mom. And that’s what this post is going to be about: my mom, her (not) being a grandma, me potentially being a mom and my potential future kids.

I know for a fact that my mom would have been a great grandma. How can I be so certain about this, you ask? Well, she played grandma to several other kids recently. At my mom’s memorial, a girl that my mom had worked with has young twins came and talked to me. This girl told me that at a co-workers going away party, my mom sat with and played with the twins most of the party. She just loved holding them and entertaining them. Another friend of the family has a little boy and this friend told me that my mom was like a grandma to her kid. My mom was always nice to the little boy and gave him some of her knitted hats whenever they’d visit. My mom was supposed to do all of these things for MY kids and HER own grandkids. This will never happen now. And it kills me!

I also remember when I was 17 or 18 years old and someone we knew (I want to say it was a high school friend) was pregnant with her first kid. My mom went to the salvation army over several weeks and bought her 2 huge paper bags full of cute baby clothes! At the time, I was jealous of the attention my mom showed towards this girl. I know part of my jealousy was that my mom didn’t want me having kids that young (she was 18 when she had me), but how could she support this girl who was doing just what she didn’t want me to do? I also know/see (now) that we had a rough time in our relationship when I was younger. I know that my mom was just being the good and kind person she was. She helped others and she liked kids, especially when they weren’t her own anymore and she didn’t have to take care of them 24/7. LOL. But it still hurts that she’ll never be able to do that for me.

For my mom to have become a grandma, it would mean that I would have had to be a mom. This hurts too. Hubby and I have tried for almost 3 years now (next month is the “anniversary”). Not a single BFP in sight, not even a false BFP or one that turned into a loss. Nothing! The only thing that I seem to be able to take comfort in my not being a mom before my mom died was that I finally started telling her what exactly we were going through. She knew about all of our failed IUI’s, the two failed IVF’s and failed FET. It was nice to talk to her about these things. Yet, there were and are still many things that I never got to ask and most likely won’t ever find out. I’ll ask my dad, but I doubt he’ll know.
On a side note, my mom thought that maybe I should take out all my piercings. Maybe the metal bits were disrupting my body’s normal flow of things. I told her I wasn’t ready for that yet and besides, many Indian women have their noses pierced on the left side, as it is supposed to make childbirth easier. I’m still undecided about taking all of my jewelry out. I’d feel so naked and unrecognizable to myself.
I’m still quite upset that I was not able to be a mom before my mom died. She was supposed to come visit when I had a kid (she would have had 9 months to prepare, after all). She was supposed to be here and help me. She was going to come see me.

And then, there’s my potential kids, some day. They will never get to meet my mom, their grandma. She will always just be stories, my memories, some words, a knitted hat or sweater and some pictures that we have laying around. But my mom will never be their flesh and blood grandma! (I know I have my stepmom. I am very grateful for her, but she will never be my mom.) This is not fucking fair!!

I wanted my mom to meet my kids. I wanted my kids to get to know my mom. I know that by living half a world away my mom wasn’t going to see them every week or even every month, but we had Skype with a video (the video part wasn’t yet set up, but that is beside the point). My kids would have gotten to know their grandma and we would visit. But now, that will never happen. Never! And it kills me. It is what eats me up inside the most. I’m not sure how to reconcile my thoughts and feelings about this. Will time just make it hurt less? Will I ever get over it? What do I do in the mean time? I’m tired of constantly going over all of these thoughts and scenarios in my head each time I have a quiet moment in my head.