I’m here.

Happy Midsummer! It’s been a long while since I’ve written anything, but after reading Mel’s current post today, I felt prompted to at least come and say hi.

I think I’ve been depressed lately. And by lately, I mean somewhere around 9 or so months. Maybe more. Maybe it was just winter. In any case, I felt no desire to do anything creative, couldn’t be bothered to do any of the things I knew I needed to do (only Paxlet has a valid passport still) and felt like I was shit at everything. Talk about being down on your own self. It wasn’t like this every single day, but most days (even now still to some extent) I was able to get by without thinking about anything and it would be an okay day. And then there were days it would just all crash in on me.

I know some of my down-ness is due to a lack of meeting up with friends (co-workers just don’t cut it). I am a social person and need some time now and then with girl friends. To chat, shoot the breeze and just be girls. That doesn’t happen very often anymore. I don’t know how or where to find new or more friends. It seems like all attempts I have made just leave me with less friends.

Right at this moment, the kids and I are nearing the end of week 2 of an 8 week holiday/break. Mr Siili will have 4 weeks off this summer: this week and next, and then 2 more in a couple of weeks. I wanted to take advantage of this last chance to be home for the entire summer with the kids, but at the same time I have felt/feel that I am a bit crazy for doing this. Paxlet loves to whinge and not listen and Tadbit monkeys EVERYTHING her older brother does. I’m trying to feel gratitude and enjoyment with my kids and not just wait for bedtime each evening and feel like I am only surviving. I want to thrive with my kids. Getting to bed earlier each night would probably help some with this feeling. But evenings/nights are my time.

I have been taking lots of photos and posting them to Instagram. It makes me happy. It is my place to post all of the mundane, silly and random pictures that I think everyone on FB or elsewhere in my life would get sick of or just not give a rat’s bum about. I only follow those I want, because I want to. Not because they are my friend/family/following me. If you want to check me out, I’m hopea.lohikaarme (silver dragon).

I’m not sure if I’m back to writing here regularly or not yet, but I’m not gone. At least not permanently.