I’m here.

Happy Midsummer! It’s been a long while since I’ve written anything, but after reading Mel’s current post today, I felt prompted to at least come and say hi.

I think I’ve been depressed lately. And by lately, I mean somewhere around 9 or so months. Maybe more. Maybe it was just winter. In any case, I felt no desire to do anything creative, couldn’t be bothered to do any of the things I knew I needed to do (only Paxlet has a valid passport still) and felt like I was shit at everything. Talk about being down on your own self. It wasn’t like this every single day, but most days (even now still to some extent) I was able to get by without thinking about anything and it would be an okay day. And then there were days it would just all crash in on me.

I know some of my down-ness is due to a lack of meeting up with friends (co-workers just don’t cut it). I am a social person and need some time now and then with girl friends. To chat, shoot the breeze and just be girls. That doesn’t happen very often anymore. I don’t know how or where to find new or more friends. It seems like all attempts I have made just leave me with less friends.

Right at this moment, the kids and I are nearing the end of week 2 of an 8 week holiday/break. Mr Siili will have 4 weeks off this summer: this week and next, and then 2 more in a couple of weeks. I wanted to take advantage of this last chance to be home for the entire summer with the kids, but at the same time I have felt/feel that I am a bit crazy for doing this. Paxlet loves to whinge and not listen and Tadbit monkeys EVERYTHING her older brother does. I’m trying to feel gratitude and enjoyment with my kids and not just wait for bedtime each evening and feel like I am only surviving. I want to thrive with my kids. Getting to bed earlier each night would probably help some with this feeling. But evenings/nights are my time.

I have been taking lots of photos and posting them to Instagram. It makes me happy. It is my place to post all of the mundane, silly and random pictures that I think everyone on FB or elsewhere in my life would get sick of or just not give a rat’s bum about. I only follow those I want, because I want to. Not because they are my friend/family/following me. If you want to check me out, I’m hopea.lohikaarme (silver dragon).

I’m not sure if I’m back to writing here regularly or not yet, but I’m not gone. At least not permanently.

#MicroblogMonday – This and That #5 aka Mind-dump Monday

Welcome to the next year, everyone! I hope 2017 is kind to you and that it lives up to your expectations.

Sorry for the long post today, but this has all been percolating in my brain for some time.

I learned about my good friend’s daughter’s diagnosis of depression last week. It’s sad to see it affect someone so young. She’s only 7. If you have any book suggestions or resources where they can look, I’d love to be able to pass it on to them.

I’m glad Xmas is over. Such a build up to the event and then it’s over in an evening/morning. Many years it feels as if I stress and stress and it doesn’t really go like I planned or thought it would be in my head. This year was no different. Both kids were mildly sick (fever and snuffly-coughs), so we didn’t make it to the cousins for Xmas. It would have been the first time, ever. We didn’t have a tree, but we did have decorations we made and lots of Xmas food I made. I don’t know what exactly it is I expect of or from Xmas, but I was bummed. However, as I drove to the cousins’ house to drop off/pick up gifts, I cried and worked out my stress and frustrations. Xmas is about being with family. This year it was going to be with the cousins, instead of at my in-laws (or my own family, which has been waaay too long). When that didn’t work out, I was upset. But then it dawned on me, I have my own family now! A family that I have longed for and wanted for so long. That realization helped me calm down and mostly remain focused on what I wanted from Xmas this year: to see my kids (and Mr Siili) happy and loved. It worked.

I did get to Skype with my family on Xmas eve (their morning). It was great to see them all in one place at one time. I still missed my Mom.

I’ve been feeling quite down on myself lately. I feel like I am not good enough. At many things. Being a mom, wife, worker, person. It sucks.

I got my Mirena IUD, had a week of nothing and then I started spotting/lightly bleeding, which has now lasted for 2+ weeks. Yay.

For 3-4 weeks leading up to Xmas, I had excruciating back pain. I’ve had back pain off and on since I was 14 and a passenger in a car wreck. This time, however, it was bad, very bad. Many days a paracetamol would only take the edge off. The pain was bad enough I went to the doctor for it. She prescribed me a week’s worth of mega-pain meds and some muscle relaxants (I only took a couple day’s worth). After the week of mega-pain meds my back was fine for a day or two and since then the pain has crept back. I head to the physiotherapist tomorrow morning. If he can’t help, I’ll head back to the doctor in another couple of weeks to see what happens next. I’m tired of back pain.

I need to stop eating so much sweets. And not just for the holidays, but all times.

When I was at the post office before Xmas to mail my cards, there was an addressed post card that didn’t have a stamp. Someone dropped it and didn’t notice. I felt bad that the receiver wouldn’t get their card, so I paid for the postage (,80 cents).
Then the next day, I found 24 euros worth of stamps on the ground. There was a receipt in the bag with them, showing that they had been paid by a debit card. I returned the stamps back to the store in hopes that they would be able to return the money to the card. I’m assuming it happened like that because the store never contacted me to come get the stamps. I would have felt guilty every time I used one of those stamps if I had kept them without trying to return them first.

I love my kids! Even if they drive me bat-shit crazy at times.
Paxlet is so smart, inquisitive and observant about the world around him. He loves his little sister. He tells her “Sä ot mun pikku sisko” (You are my little sister) and it melts my heart every time. Yet, he whines and moans about everything I do or don’t do. (Why is putting one’s clothes on such a difficult task sometimes?)
Tadbit is the cutest and most stuborn drama queen there is. We’re going to be in trouble. For now, it’s just cute when she dramatically pouts when we tell her to not hit the cat, take a smaller bite or not throw things. She’s consistently saying 2 words together and more and more 3-word sentences every day. She also growls. I think she might have gotten some of that from me.

Our house NEEDS to be de-cluttered. I need to just give up on the idea of trying to sell things on FB and donate the stuff. We need it out of our house more than we need the money.

We crafted quite a bit during December. But those were kid-friendly crafts. I finally got my sewing machine out yesterday and did some adult crafting! I made two reusable veggie-fruit bags. I had only been meaning to make these for a couple of months. They are from all recycled material. I can’t wait to try them out next time I go food shopping.

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And that’s some of what has been in my head. How was/is your first Monday of the year?

MicroblogMonday For more microposts, go visit Mel’s post at Stirrup Queens.

Childhood depression

I had a great evening tonight. I met up with my best friend and we went swimming. It has been ages since I have swam and it felt great! I got in one kilometer. After our swim, we went to sauna (in the swimming hall) and then had a tea and snack in the cafe. It filled my being to spend some much needed time with my friend. We even went to the store afterward. She was looking for some on sale clothing items and I needed food. What we ended up getting was about 8 kilos (17,5 lbs) of candy. We are two peas in a pod* candy rats a like and just couldn’t pass candy for 1,95€/kilo. I did managed to control myself and only took 2,5 kilos as my bounty. I’ll try to ration it out and give some away. Who am I kidding?! I’ll most likely eat it all.

On a serious note, my friend told me this evening her daughter has been diagnosed with depression. The daughter is only 7 years old. My heart hurts for the girl and my friend. I know it’s not a death sentence, necessarily, but I’ve seen and heard about her struggles so far and it’s not going to be easy as she gets older. This girl knew who to pick as her mom (and dad) when she came to this world. My friend is a great mother and does anything she can to help her girls.

My friend has been looking for some books to help explain depression to her daughter. She says it is quite difficult to find ones that fit their situation. She explained one book that she has found had a creature that was incredibly “sad” and that after some time, someone gave them a gift or threw them a surprise party and they are happy again. My friend’s daughter is not “sad”, she is angry-depressed. It is a dark black depression. This girl cannot be left alone with her sister, for fear of physical violence that might be done. It has been threatened and even acted on to a degree. Already at this age, and for a few years already, this girl doubts with all her being that she is loved and worth the love she is shown. It’s truly heartbreaking.

This is where I need your help, interweb peeps. Do you know of any books or websites that might be of help for my friend and her daughter? I don’t mean self-help type books that my friend can use to make her daughter better, but rather books that can be used to help the entire family understand what depression is, how it affects the girl and those around her. Especially those that are geared towards young kids.

*That’s just too healthy of a description.

Gone too soon

I got a FB message this morning from my ex that a mutual friend of ours from high school committed suicide yesterday. I haven’t spoken to this guy in years, but my heart is still saddened. He was a kind soul and truly wanted to change our world. Depression got the better of him.

My mom once told me*, everyone has a purpose in this life. We may not know what it is, but it’s still there. (Maybe one person’s purpose is to learn to get along better with their mom. Another person’s  would be to change the world.) And for those who decide to leave us before their “natural” time, maybe they have completed their purpose of what they are here to do. We won’t ever know, but maybe that is why they had to leave too early.

I find my mom’s words/concept soothing. It doesn’t take away the grief, but it does help me with the loss. In this case though, I’m struggling with his passing. Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m so sad. It isn’t like I’ve seen or talked to him in years (except for a line or two of text on FB). But, he is a past/former/previous life (when I lived in the US) friend. And when it all comes down to the bare minimal, it is just that: The loss, of a friend, too soon.

 

*I hope I’m doing her explanation/belief justice.