Thoughts on round two

I’m 38 years old today*. In many ways, it’s just another day in the life of me. In other ways, it’s me getting another year older. I don’t feel any different than I did yesterday. Birthdays just are.

This birthday has been a good one. We, the three of us, went downtown for a late breakfast and bought some yummy desserts to bring home and eat. My goodness, were they yummy! Mr Siili and Paxlet made me a cute card with their hand prints drawn on it, some stickers stuck to it and Mr Siili colored it in.

——

So many thoughts about being pregnant again. Some happy, some scared, but many scattered and confused.

I was going to call my clinic, where all of our previous treatments were done at and where we have 1 frozen embryo, as soon as they opened after summer holidays  (all of July). However, as AF was supposed to arrive on the 24th of July, I would have had to wait until the end of August. That is now a moot point. If this pregnancy sticks around, we won’t be using or needing that one little embryo.

I truly never thought I would get pregnant on my own, without lots of drugs and a doctor’s help. Yet, here I am. Why me? How did I/we get so lucky? Mind you, I’m not complaining, but this is what runs through my head. We’re excited, yet a bit scared.  Not about the pregnancy itself, but about bringing a new dimension into our happy family of three. As Mr Siili said to me, “we’re just getting used to this life with Paxlet”. How different is it going to be with another? Also, Paxlet has been so easy as a baby** and now a toddler. This second child could have colic, reflux, not want to sleep or a myriad other things. I know I dreamed about a sibling for Paxlet, but now that this is possibly happening, I’m a bit unsure and as I said, scared. Things will work themselves out, it will just take a bit of time.

Getting to experience pregnancy all over again is like  a dream come true!I truly enjoyed my pregnancy with Paxlet. I had very little morning sickness (mild nausea sometimes), I only spotted once around 7-8 weeks and my back didn’t kill me like I feared it would. Although, I do hope some things will be more relaxed as I know more of what to expect this time around. So far, I’m still checking for spotting each time i go to bathroom. Or maybe even more often. Some things die hard. I also can’t wait to do weekly pictures. I want to compare the differences in these pregnancies.

Twins? Oh no! Please no! I know the first time around I thought it would be sort of cool, but this time, no way. I know how much effort one baby takes, I don’t “need” two this time around. Looking a gift horse in the mouth much?

Again, gift horse. I’m sort of hoping for another boy. I know how boys are built now and I know what to do. But girls? They would have girlie parts! LOL. On a serious note, as always, I really just want that this baby sticks around and will be born healthy and happy.

I’m glad I’ve dragged my feet and that we still have most of Paxlet’s stuff. I have sold or given some things away, but the majority of it, we still have. We will need a new-to-us bouncy seat, nursing pillow and breast pads… I will also need some maternity clothes. I do still have my favorite black pants and those should work well during the winter! Yay!

This time around I’m going to tell some people earlier. I know that no matter what happens, I will tell these people. I would like their happiness and support no matter what. So far, I’ve told one of my brother’s (older of the two) already. I’ll tell I told my sister and my dad (& by default stepmom) if when we Skyped tonight. I will tell Mr Siili’s mom tomorrow (as for some silly reason Mr Siili doesn’t want to). I’m not sure about his siblings. They’ll learn at some point. My closest friends and I will be getting together on Thursday. I’ll tell them then. I’m excited about this and already know how I will tell them. *big grin* Work people can wait a bit, and FBb even longer.

All these thoughts, just swirling around in my head.This is such a strange place to be.

 

*So it’s after midnight here in Finland and technically no longer my birthday, but I haven’t gone to sleep yet, so I can still call it my birthday.

**Even when I was having a hard time with sleep and Pax wanting to be at my boobs all. Night. Long.

Advertisements

Holy Cow!

Took this at my in-laws a couple of weeks ago.

Took this at my in-laws a couple of weeks ago.

I totally did not expect this and am quite speechless. Although, it has been a few hours since I first tested, I’m gaining a bit more in the word department. Yes, you see that correctly, it’s a BFP!!

IMG_20140725_122038

By my calculations, AF should have arrived yesterday. So, today at lunch time, with lots of trepidation (a very full bladder) and sure in thought that if I went and bought a pregnancy test, AF would show immediately. Boy, was I wrong! And happily so.

The second line started showing almost immediately and this was before the 5 minutes was up to wait. I don’t remember it being this clear with Paxlet. I also didn’t start crying in the bathroom at work either. And have to stifle my tears at my desk. LOL.

I haven’t told Mr Siili yet. He’s still at work and I’m not sure how to tell him. Send a photo of the positive test? Our anniversary August 1st? Wait until his birthday next month (almost a month away)? On my birthday on Monday? Have Paxlet help make a cute sign for him to give daddy? Or just straight up tell him when he gets home?

In any case, I’m quite happy and excited, whatever may happen. This time around only took 15 cycles without medical intervention. I’m hoping for a sticky bean.

Hope

Hope. It’s what gives us strength to carry on TTC. It’s what gets us through each month of BFNs until we get pregnant, adopt, do surrogacy or resolve our TTC journey in some other way.

Hope is also what drives us crazy in the midst of it all.

I’m in the TWW. Mr Siili and I DTD twice around O. No symptoms at the moment, just like with Paxlet. I did have some very light pink, maybe it was spotting the other day, could it be implantation? It also isn’t too late/early for spotting/AF to arrive early.

*****

I started this post yesterday. I can’t be bothered to finish it today. My period arrived in full force this morning. Ugh.

Out with the newborn, clothes that is

I would really love to have a second child and a sibling for Paxlet. I really don’t see that happening, yet I can’t help but hope and think about it. In the meantime, as Paxlet is getting older, (he’s almost 2!!) and there’s no sign of me being pregnant, Mr Siili is wanting to get rid of all of Paxlet’s too small and no-longer-used items. Mr Siili has no sentimental attachments (that I know of) to any of Paxlet’s toys or clothes. But I do.

Some clothes and other items (for ex. 1970’s Snugli carrier*, food grinder) were mine and my siblings when we were little that my mom had saved and then my step-mom and sister shipped to me. There is no doubt in my mind that I can’t get rid of those. But at the same time, Mr Siili says I should just ship them back to my siblings so they can put them in storage for themselves. But, what if we do, but some bit of magic, happen to get pregnant again. I couldn’t ask for my family to ship them to me yet again! Plus, they don’t need them just yet. If they do, I will send them straight away.

There are also some clothes and other stuff from Mr Siili’s mom. Those are easier to give back, because they live much closer and I personally don’t have as much of an emotional attachment to them and neither does Mr Siili. In addition, I wonder if his sisters (one my age and one 10 years younger) might want this stuff to use when/if they have kids. But, I don’t want to ask them about their plans because it isn’t really any of my business. But, I also don’t think my MIL wants the stuff back either, although I am sure she will take it.

The bit of stuff and clothes that I’m having an especially hard time parting (or thinking about parting) with are the clothes that have been given to Paxlet and what I have bought for him. Some of the clothes are just too cute and I loved it when he would wear them, for the short time he did. Others, such as most everything from the maternity package, I just want to save them in case we have another kid or for my siblings if/when they have kids. There are tons of almost new, great quality clothes from the maternity package that I just don’t have the heart to get rid of them; either by donating or selling on FB or at a flea market. Mr Siili says I should keep a couple of the items that are harder to replace and a few that I have the most sentimentality towards. But I just don’t find it that simple.

What have you done, or would you do, regarding your baby’s clothes? (And other small-ish items?) Have you kept everything? Nothing? A few things? What did you keep? I’m really having a hard time, mentally, figuring out what to do with this stuff. And yes, I know it is just stuff. We can buy it all again if we ever need too, but I WANT and NEED to save a few things for Paxlet when he (and his partner) possibly have their own kids someday. Paxlet, as a male, might not have mooshy feelings that I saved the stuff, but I hope his partner might.

 

*In the almost two years since I’ve  managed to track down the instructions for this vintage carrier, I’ve had 31 people ask me for them. I find that cool and amazing!

How infertility has changed me in a positive way

We don’t read much about infertility* affecting women/people in a positive way. Because, let’s be honest, there isn’t much good and cheeriness about wanting a child so badly it hurts (sometimes even physically). But I found myself in a situation last week where I could see the benefit that infertility has had on/in my life.

My new new team leader and I were having a one-to-one conversation for work last week when I noticed some pictures on her wall. I asked her if they were all one kid at different ages or (four) different kids. She replied that she has four kids and told their ages. And then she proceeded to tell me that the youngest, a girl, has Down Syndrome. First off, I was surprised to hear she has 4 kids!! I don’t know why, but I just was. And then we got to talking about our kids (her kids, my kid). We laughed, got teary eyed and just loved on our families. I now understand why my team leader is so pro-family, me working part time, leaving work for the day on time and taking care of oneself (not getting stressed about work issues, there’s so much more to life than work, for everyone!).

How does any of this relate to infertility helping me? Well, when I heard that my team leader’s youngest has Down Syndrome, my very first thought (in my head only) was “I’m sorry”, but that was so quickly kicked out of my head! Why was I sorry? What for? She has a beautiful daughter, who is just different. (Aren’t we all different in our own ways?) Infertility, with all of its ugliness, has taught me how to be more compassionate, less judgmental and see more beauty in this world.

Being infertile has brought me to blogging and finding the ALI community, which in turn has shown me a whole new world. Many of the bloggers I have found, started following and communicating with are the same as me, yet also different. Many are now mothers (some to special needs children), some are not mothers and others are still trying to become the mothers they want to be. But every single blogger that I have had the privilege to read, no matter where they are in their life journey, has taught me how they want to be treated and what (not) to say**. How many not-so-positive life experiences have given you something positive back?

*I’m really encompassing the ALI community.

**I’m nowhere near perfect and don’t always know the exact words, but I try my hardest and definitely know what not to say in most cases!

Haha, I’m pregnant! Oh, wait, it’s just an April Fool’s day joke

Why did I think my FB friends/acquaintance were above and beyond the whole “Surprise, I’m pregnant!” on April 1st? Maybe it is because I have suffered infertility and am entrenched in the community that I know how funny it isn’t. It was stupid and naive of me to think otherwise.

I saw not one, but two announcements. Who knows, they could still be real* announcements, but what a rotten and unreal day to post about them. If they are real, I’m happy for the ladies and their family’s. If not, I want to say I’ll be  hiding their feed from view or de-friending them, but when I think about it, it’s only hurting me by doing that. One of the announcements is from a high school friend who just had her first, about 9 months ago. The other is lady I met through her IF blog, who has since been able to conceive and deliver a healthy baby.

As I slowly type/peck this out on my phone, I’ve been thinking why this bothers me so much. It’s not just that it took us so long and hard to get Paxlet, that is a huge part of it. But it is also that I would love a second child and I honestly don’t believe it will happen for us. So hearing/reading others throwing these words around so “flippantly” hurts.

Infertility, you aren’t funny and you suck!! Happy Fool’s Day anyway.

Edited: I did post my own statement/status on FB about how hurtful “jokes” like that are. Most people who commented agreed, more people just liked my status and one friend said “there’s no way of other people knowing what will hurt someone’s feelings”. I told her, I agreed, you can’t know what will hurt someone or not, but no one will ever know if I don’t speak up about it. And she replied that she now knows something like this could hurt others’ feelings. While I have not educated the world, I have educated one person (maybe more), at least for this day.

*I have since had confirmation that the second announcement is real. I congratulated her.

How long it’s been

I had some fitness vouchers that were going to expire at the end of the year, so I finally got my behind in gear and went to BodyCombat on Saturday for the first time in ages! It had been just a hair under 2 years since the last time I went (see the first link below) and I enjoyed it just as much as I remembered. I am thankful Mr Siili watched Paxlet so I could go. While I would love to go more often, the timing and logistics of it just doesn’t always work out and I’m not willing or ready to pay for a monthly membership. As I do have some vouchers left (expiring end of next year), I think I will try to go at least once a month with them.

*****

Paxlet came down with a fever on Wednesday evening, so I stayed home from work on Thursday and Friday with a very high fervered little boy. Thankfully he didn’t exhibit any other sick-like symptoms besides the fever. Sure, he didn’t eat as well and slept pretty crappily, but for the most part he has been in pretty good spirits the whole time. The fever finally broke Saturday evening. That’s 4 nights of high fever and 3 days of fever.

During this time and even continuing today, he was a cling-on (to me) most of the time, making it hard to get anything done. When I did set him down or left the room, even if he was with Mr Siili, he screamed bloody murder. While I hope this screaming business will go away now that he is getting better, I fear it is a thing of the present and foreseeable future. Screaming bloody murder can be for the following reasons, but definitely not limited to them: when Paxlet doesn’t get his way, when he doesn’t want to sit on the potty (often), if I tell him ‘no/nuh-uh/any sort of negation” when he doesn’t want to hear it, if I put him into his crib and he’s still awake and/or if I make him fall asleep on his own in the crib, if I set him down to use both hands to get his food ready to eat. And so on and so forth. My ears hurt. I’m not sure if it is/was poor little guy or poor me.

*****

Two years ago today was the eve of when I was going to POAS. I had no hope of being pregnant and was so ready to quite taking my progesterone. But low and behold, on December 16th , 2011, I got my BFP that is now Paxlet. It was 14 days after the transfer of 2 embryos from our 3rd round of IVF.

Funny how some things change and others not so much.

*****

Last chance! If you haven’t submitted your best blog post of 2013 for this year’s Creme De la Creme, you only have until this evening, December 15th, at 11pm EST. So get your best post submitted!