CD13 and a better day

aka Thankful Thursday

Today is CD13 of my cycle and also the day I was told to start POAS to test for O. After all the trouble I went through to get the pee-sticks yesterday, I had to test one last night. Besides, what girl can resist peeing on a stick when it is in her vicinity?! I know it was late (midnight) to be testing and that I wasn’t going to test that late the rest of the time, but I just couldn’t help it. The test line was quite faint, but it was there. Today though, the test line was much darker, but still not darker than the control. Fingers crossed for a darker test line tomorrow or this weekend so I can call the clinic to schedule my transfer for next week.

I know yesterday’s post was quite horrible, dreary and just down and out negative. That was exactly how I was feeling though. Today, on the other hand, has been much better. While I’ve still had a few small bouts of sadness, I’ve been much chipper and in a pleasant mood. I actually meant my smiles when I smiled today.

I’m not quite sure what got me into my horrible funk yesterday. Sure thinking about and missing my mom can do it. So can upcoming O-time hormones. But I really don’t know what triggered it, nor why it wouldn’t go away the entire day. Bleh.All I know is that I’m not feeling that way today and for that I am very thankful!

In honor of feeling perkier and it being Thursday (for 37 more minutes), here’s a few things I’m thankful for at the moment:
– Mr Siili cooked dinner before I got home, so all I had to do was re-heat it.
– I had 2 tv series ready for me to watch this evening. (Again, thanks to Mr Siili.)
– I had a snuggly kitty on my lap while watching my shows.
– I stayed 2 hours extra at work (boo), but I feel confident that I’ve sorted the customer’s account out much better than it had been in ages. One more thing to cross of my to do list!
– It’s Thurs-night! Only one more day of work until the weekend.
– I wore my new bra today and it didn’t bug me once! It also has a cute little jewel right in the middle.
– I’m going to bed now! I’m aiming to be in bed and asleep before midnight.

Next step: natural FET, if all works out

I called the clinic yesterday to see where this cycle stands. Since I didn’t start any meds on CD1 (didn’t have a prescrip), by default this cycle and potential FET will be au natural. I have mixed feelings about this because the last natural attempt didn’t work because of timing. MRJ, on the other hand, will most likely be happy about this cycle being (more) natural so he can ‘test’ to see if it was him or the clinic to get me pregnant, if it happens that is. I’m sure he will think it all his doing, which who knows, maybe it would be. I really don’t care how or what gets me pregnant, only that it happens. In any case I will go into the clinic next Monday (CD10) for an u/s and to see what happens next. I’m pretty sure I will get to POAS and hope for a positive O indication.

On a different yet similar topic, my heart just sunk today during a meeting at work. I was sitting across the table from one of the married girls (P) and I noticed that her breasts look quite full and once I noticed that, I thought her tummy could be also. I don’t make a habit out of staring at other women’s boobs and stomachs, but this just happened into my sight and mind. I also think this came about as another co-worker (G) told me a while ago that her and a couple of others were betting (not seriously, I hope) on who would be pregnant by this year’s xmas party. I told G not to hold her breath on me being pregnant by then. And in a very, very selfish way, I hope P isn’t pregnant either. No more work pregnancies before me!!

No FET this month

I got (what I think is) a positive OPK last night and again this morning, but the clinic is counting yesterday’s OPK as the day in which to count from. It would mean my FET would have happened on Monday, but no one is in the office on Sunday to thaw my lonely embryo. So, no FET this month.

Now, if I would have not tested yesterday in the evening or just not have said anything to the clinic, they would have gone by this morning’s +OPK and I would have my FET on Tuesday. Doh! Hindsight is 20 / 20.

I am quite sure I have ovulated today. I’ve felt pinchy-twingy-pangs on my right ovary area off and on during the day. At one point they were much stronger than the rest. Now, my right side is just tender and a bit crampy. It almost feels as if I was kicked in the ovary. I manged to talk hubby into a BD session last night and I’ve almost extracted a promise for another tomorrow (Friday). Not that I really have any hope or expectations that this cycle will be any different than the previous 35 cycles, but you can’t blame a girl for trying. Plus, I love my husband and I love being intimate with him!

I’m not too sad about the FET not working this month as I was already prepared for a summer break. The FET would have just been an added bonus and also allow us to start 100% fresh in the Fall. Now, we’ll have this one lonely embryo to try an FET with before going onto IVF #3. I’ve been in a good frame of mind for the last 2 or so weeks. I hope I’ll be able to continue this feeling of positivity and goodness. Having +25-30C degrees of wonderfully amazing weather right now doesn’t hurt either! (I’m so not cold! Even my feet are warm.)

Happy start of summer to all!

CD10

 I went to my PGH appointment today to see about doing a FET with a natural cycle this month and I’m not quite sure how I feel about it all. I mean, I was feeling quite positive and upbeat the last week and a half. No stress and just going with the flow. As I was leaving PGH today, I sort of felt a bit down and not as upbeat. I guess we’ll just have to see how things go, won’t we?

Anyway, first thing was first at the appointment. I was asked when AF arrived (10 days ago) and if I was taking Zumenon (no, this is a natural cycle).  I was then told/asked to de-robe my lower half and hop up on the table. The doctor spent forever with the magic wand up my lady bits. Seriously, she was looking and looking at things for close to 10 minutes. Usually the doctors only look for a minute or two tops! It seemed there was lots to look at.

I have several liquid filled cysts on my right side, but thankfully they are not endometriosis related. The doctor wasn’t so concerned about them. She thinks they might be left over from last cycle. The bummer part of having all of these little cysts is that they look a maturing egg. Some of them were definitely too big to be an egg, but she wasn’t able to tell if one of the others was a normal sized maturing egg or if the egg was one of the smaller ones, thus meaning O won’t happen for longer. On the left-hand side, there is my endometrial cyst. It is still right around 2cm, which is good. If it grows too much more (up to 3 cm?) I’ll have to possibly go in for surgery again to remove it. The doctor commented that my lining was a bit thin at 6,6 – 7,4 mm. When asked I was told it should be closer to 1cm. My lining being thin is common for me. Sad, but true.

After my uterus was studied so intently and I was able to put my clothes back on. The doctor and I discussed my plan of action this month. For the next 5 mornings I will take an OPK to see if it is positive. If it happens to be positive tomorrow, this cycle is out the widow this month for the FET as the transfer would need happen next Monday. And the FET can’t happen on Monday because they would need to thaw the eggie the day before and PGH isn’t open on Sundays. The rest of the possible +test/transfer days are: Thurs/Tues, Fri/Wed, Sat/Thurs and Sun/Fri. If I don’t get a + OPK at all, the cycle is out of the window. The doctor said that since this is a natural cycle they need to have a +OPK test to proceed. As my body will have to produce the FSH hormone on its own. I’m sure my body will ovulate, but I’m not sure the tests will pick up the hormones to give me the positive I need.

Finally, I asked some questions that I’d been thinking about lately and I got some answers, but not a lot. First, I asked what will happen if this FET doesn’t work and we head into our 3rd IVF. What happens? She said that the nurses, doctors and lab tech-doctors will have a meeting to go over past treatments and make a plan of attack for the up coming cycle. I’m not sure if I (and hubby) would be involved in this meeting or not. If the 3rd IVF fails, I’m not sure if I’ll get a 4th chance via PGH (public health care) or if I’ll have to start with a private clinic and more expenses.

Second, I asked what blood tests I have had done and if there are any more that I could have done. I’ve had HIV, Hepatitis B & C and Syphilis test done, all negative of course. And then this year I also had an endometriosis growth blood test done, or at least something along those lines. And in any case, the results came back normal. The doctor did prescribe one more blood test to be done: AMH, which is Anti-Mullerian Hormone. I wasn’t sure what this was, so I had to Google it. From my new understanding it is a test some doctors use as an indication of ovarian reserve or function. I’m ok with that test.

Third, I mentioned my discomfort and almost pain in my lady bits after stopping Lugesteron when I get a BFN. The doctor said that the symptoms I described are not unheard of. She then went on to ask if I have any allergies to nuts. I told her I don’t have allergies per say, but I do find that I have irritations to. (Does having an irritation-reaction count as an allergy? Even if I haven’t been diagnosed with a ‘nut allergy’?) So, she wrote me a prescription for Progesterone to try next time around.

Fourth, the doctor put us in line for our 3rd IVF treatment to tentatively start during week 36 (September sometime).

So, to sum up this very long post.  If I get a +OPK in the next 2-5 days, I’ll call the clinic and go in for a FET. If I don’t get a +OPK, hubby and I will have to time our own IC and life will continue like normal this summer. If the FET doesn’t happen this month, our next appointment would then potentially be sometime in August, depending on if I happen to be in China during the important time of my cycle.

Thank you to those of you who managed to read this far.

It’s been a few bleh days

It’s been a few days since I’ve written anything, but that’s not to say that I haven’t had posts going through my head. When I got home from work on Monday, hubby was was in a right foul mood. It put be in a not so good mood either. I ended up going for an almost 6km (3,7mi) walk, talking to a good friend, on the phone, along the way. I ended up where our new place is being built and then I took the bus back home. Hubby and I didn’t really talk the rest of the night. He was still grumpy Tuesday, so I tried to stay out of his way. I didn’t see him at all on Wednesday, as I left for work before he woke up and he was at a friends house until the wee hours of the morning today. Today has been a decent day though. We’ve both spent most of it in bed reading. It’s helatorstai aka Ascension Day and it’s a public holiday. I honestly don’t know what it is for as I’m not a religious person and I’m tired of looking it up each year what it means. So, if you don’t know what it is and want to know, you’ve got to Google it for yourself.

I did call the clinic on Monday and I have an appointment for next week’s Tuesday (June 7th). I’m positive I’ll have an ultasound to see where my body is in terms of ovulation and if/when we can thaw and transfer our last little lonely embryo. This cycle will be natural: no stims, no hormones, just timing. I’m not sure if I’ll need to do progesterone suppositories or not, that’ll be something to ask next week. I’ll also be asking what blood tests have been done (yeah, I know, I just never asked and went along with what they told me to do) and if there are anymore tests we could do that might shed some light on why I’m still not pregnant. I will try to not stress and not worry about this cycle, especially as I don’t really have much hope for it already. (I think this ‘no hope’ thing has to do with infertility wearing me down.) But it sure seems silly to leave that one lonely embryo there. And, I’d rather start with a fresh IVF cycle after the summer.

Starting cycle #36

Spotting started yesterday evening, with more flow at night and AF is fully here today. This makes cycle #36 for us. I’ll call the clinic tomorrow to let them know and I’ll also ask about getting the lonely frozen embryo transferred during this natural cycle. It will all be up to timing (like always).

I’ve got cramps. I’ve taken some painkiller, but I’ve still got cramps! Normally I have very minimal cramps and they only last the first day. If these continue for much longer or stay this bad, they are definitely worse than what I normally have and I think it will be due to the Zumenon.

It’s cloudy, windy & rainy outside. It seems fitting for today.

It’s what I expected, but it isn’t all so bad

Today marks 2 weeks since my first FET and the day on which I could officially test. And test I did. It was a BFN. Not that I expected anything different. Of course I am sad, but not sad enough (yet) to cry or be too depressed. Mostly, I’m just sadly aware that another month and another cycle has gone by and I’m still not pregnant. I’m also sad that I don’t feel I really have a chance of getting pregnant until sometime in the fall. The reason being is that the clinic I go to closes down for the month of July (summer holiday). And being that this is the end of May and they want me to do a natural cycle before attempting any more hormones (I think because of the Zumenon, which builds endometrium lining + me having endo), I won’t be able to do anything until they get back from holiday in August. Then it also depends on when and where my cycle falls and when my turn in the IVF waiting line comes up.

Although this is a semi-sad-feeling day, I have much to be thankful for:
– I had a hair appointment (wash & trim) today. It now looks so pretty.
– I took Lydia (my car) to her yearly mandatory inspection. She passed with flying colors. The only comment was that I need to get new tires (already been planned) and to drive extra carefully when it rains before that.
– I managed to get done with Lydia’s appointment earlier than expected/planned, so I was able to eat lunch (chicken soup) and make it to an important meeting at work!
– 12 hours after my last suppository and Zumenon pill, I’m feeling quite crampy, but thankfully I have pain killer! (I fear this will be a killer period and I almost never have painful periods, which is why I think my endo wasn’t diagnosed earlier.)
– I was going to put going to the gym on this list, but I just don’t feel like it. I think I’ll go buy me some chewing gum and a new toothbrush instead.