Feeling guilt

It’s been 5 days since Tadbit was born and 3 days that us girls have been home to complete our family of 4. This whole thing: being a family of four, having a newborn in the house and life in general, is surreal. It is very different than before. I’m not even sure I can say it is different than what I had imagined, because I’m not even sure what it was that I had imagined before Tadbit was born.

What I do know is that I love Paxlet with my whole heart! And I love Tadbit with with my whole heart, yet I don’t feel it as strongly as I do with Paxlet at the moment. I think the difference in how I feel my love for the two has to do with the fact that I have a history (2 years and 7 months) with Paxlet and Tadbit’s history is just getting started.

But that’s not where I feel the guilt. The guilt comes from another place.

As I sat in Paxlet’s room last night, with Paxlet on my left leg and Tadbit curled up in my right arm, I sang “Sunshine” to Paxlet. You know, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.” At least that is how I sing it to him. As I was singing that, I just started crying. And this is where the guilt comes in. I love my boy so much, that I worry that I (we) have screwed up Paxlet. Not screwed him up in his life or the fact that he won’t or will be a good person. I worry that maybe he should have stayed an only child. We’ve brought a 2nd child into our lives and who knows if we’ve really thought it through in regards to Paxlet. Does Paxlet know how much I/we love him?

I know most of this has to do with my hormones crashing post pregnancy (I remember it well with Paxlet), but man, I love my boy and girl. I just want what is best for them and to be the best parent I can be.


7 thoughts on “Feeling guilt

  1. Try to think in the long term of how much having a sibling will mean to Paxlet in the future. I know it is hard at the moment. I also feel like having another little one has cut into the time I have for Tru. But I do know the great blessing of having siblings as I wouldn’t trade my siblings for anything in the world and I imagine that Paxlet and tru will feel the same someday.

  2. I think because I always had two, I never had that particular emotion. There were always two, they always knew we loved both of them equally, so adding #3 to the mix was just .. you know more love to go around.

    There will be rough patches. There will be accusations of “you love her more”. Heck my brother at the ripe old age of 2.5 tried to shove newborn me out the window, even. But yes, they will both know how much they are loved and wanted and valued. And now he has a whole new person who will love him and admire him.

  3. Oh Heather. My heart broke from reading this. I think it’s natural to have these doubts. its true, there are cases where it is far better to have someone be an “only” but those truly tend to be rare. With time, my hope is you see the bond that forms between your kids, even in the moments where they truly don’t like one another. And with that bond will come some peace.
    Thinking of you today

  4. The hormone crash is rough. We’re far from even trying for #2, but Hubby and I have already had conversations about his fear that he won’t be able to love another child as much as he loves baby girl. I just keep reminding him of that cheesy line about not dividing your love among your children but multiplying it. I’m sure the love among the four of you is going to multiply again and again over the years. In the meantime, go easy on yourself about the guilt.

  5. Oh post-pregnancy hormones are the worst. I would agree with previous commenters- think about the long term. Once the two bond it will be super cute and well worth it!

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