It’s been 5 days since Tadbit was born and 3 days that us girls have been home to complete our family of 4. This whole thing: being a family of four, having a newborn in the house and life in general, is surreal. It is very different than before. I’m not even sure I can say it is different than what I had imagined, because I’m not even sure what it was that I had imagined before Tadbit was born.
What I do know is that I love Paxlet with my whole heart! And I love Tadbit with with my whole heart, yet I don’t feel it as strongly as I do with Paxlet at the moment. I think the difference in how I feel my love for the two has to do with the fact that I have a history (2 years and 7 months) with Paxlet and Tadbit’s history is just getting started.
But that’s not where I feel the guilt. The guilt comes from another place.
As I sat in Paxlet’s room last night, with Paxlet on my left leg and Tadbit curled up in my right arm, I sang “Sunshine” to Paxlet. You know, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.” At least that is how I sing it to him. As I was singing that, I just started crying. And this is where the guilt comes in. I love my boy so much, that I worry that I (we) have screwed up Paxlet. Not screwed him up in his life or the fact that he won’t or will be a good person. I worry that maybe he should have stayed an only child. We’ve brought a 2nd child into our lives and who knows if we’ve really thought it through in regards to Paxlet. Does Paxlet know how much I/we love him?
I know most of this has to do with my hormones crashing post pregnancy (I remember it well with Paxlet), but man, I love my boy and girl. I just want what is best for them and to be the best parent I can be.