Friendship thoughts continued

There were a few thoughts and events that brought about that last post. But mostly I have been a bit sad (ok, sometimes a lot sad) about not seeing my friends much. Poor Mr Siili gets the brunt end of my sadness, venting and tears.

For a while now, I have been pondering how I don’t see my friends very often, especially now that I am back at work, even if only part time. I did think that finally when my guy arrived that I’d maybe see my friends a bit more because then we’d all have kids. That just doesn’t happen.

Then last month when Paxlet had a neuvola appointment, I happened to see two people I know with kids roughly Paxlet’s age. The first lady I saw is a former co-worker (fcw) and her boy is 5 days older than Paxlet. We chatted a bit at work before we both left for maternity leave, emailed a few times after our boys were born and even met up a few times. Then during the summer fcw went to see her family in another country. I told her to call me when she got back, as it would be great to see her and her son again. Last month was the first I heard or saw of her since. (She’s also halfway through her 2nd pregnancy. Can you say twinge of jealousy here?) After fcw went into her appointment, in walks a friend of a friend (foaf) with her daughter who is 5 months younger than Paxlet. Foaf and I were never really close, but we did see each other at our mutual friend’s events and hang out a time or two when we found out we both had a baby. About the same time fcw went away on her trip, foaf left for the eastern part of the country to visit family. Again I said let me know when you get back, it’d be great to see you and your daughter. Guess what? Yup, you’re correct, that was the first I had seen or heard of her since.

Then there’s a friend who I also went to school (college) with here in Finland. She is super fertile (pregnant the first time on her wedding night and the 2nd “only” took 4 months to fall pregnant with) and has had a hard time understanding me and what I was going through and have gone through with infertility. After some heartache and upset-ted-ness on both sides, I thought we had worked things out well enough. However, she hasn’t been talking to me for some time now and I don’t know exactly why, but I do have an idea… Some time ago, (9 months ago?) I told her of a friend who was finally pregnant after trying as long as Mr Siili and I with the help of IVF. I said to her that this friend’s pregnancy was the first time I felt myself truly and completely happy for someone else being pregnant. Yeah, I see how that sounds now… But I think if you’ve suffered with IF at any length, you’ll understand what I meant also.
(Just in case: I really meant that upon hearing of her pregnancy I didn’t feel any pang of jealousy, see the green-eyed monster rear its ugly head or wonder why not me, because I finally had my own baby and she is one of the very few people I know IRL that has struggled as long(er) and hard as me.)

On the flip side, through one of the mom & baby groups I attended, I was set up (with my knowledge and approval) with a Finnish (first time) mom who has become a friend. Her boy is a few months older than Paxlet. During my maternity leave, we hung out semi-regularly. But since heading back to work, there just hasn’t been suitable times for us to get together. I need to rectify that.

One more flip side bit. Of all the mom & baby groups I went to, only one of them was English speaking*. The moms were nice enough and quite international, but their kids were older and wild/unruly/loud. Plus, one of them smacked Paxlet on the face and my momma-bear-ness just won’t forget it. However, there was one Australian lady who has a boy a month or two older than Paxlet. We hit it off quite well and have met up outside the group. In fact, she and her husband (plus kids) have moved into our neighborhood just recently! I hope to see more of her in the future.

If you’re keeping track, that’s -1 on the friend-maintaining scale. I know I shouldn’t count the number of friends I have, but rather the quality of the ones I do have, but when I don’t see much of the ones I do have, it’s sometimes difficult to do.

*I know I could have gotten away with speaking English at other groups, but there wasn’t many foreigners (who didn’t speak English) at those groups and I purposely wanted to work on/keep up with my Finnish language skills.


2 thoughts on “Friendship thoughts continued

  1. You sound lonely. I am so sorry for that. On another hand, it is hard keeping up with any kind of regular social activity when one has small child/ren. It is so nice to get together with friends, and have the children play/scream/run around/whatever together, and spend some time with adults who have little time and energy for anything except child-rearing topics. Misery loves company. 🙂 It is not exactly misery, but it is sort of an isolating experience, parenting, especially nowadays. I too would like a friend near by, to have the children pop up uninvited, as I did when I was a child, while the mums sip coffee and paint their nails, or who could mind them while I take care of some chore. The prospect of never having that makes me wistful…
    Both my husband and I are foreigners. We hang around with other foreigners with children similar in age with ours. But not that much. We don’t have family who can help. We must do it all alone. We don’t think about it often, because we don’t have time, nor energy to regret that. How ironic, in this world where we can communicate so much easier than before, we are also more alone than ever. How sad.

  2. This is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I am now looking up what baby-mama groups and activities there are in my area. I have a few things/groups I know I want to join if baby and my energy allow it. And hopefully make some new friends in the process.

    The friends we have here are also expats but most of them don’t have children (luckily while going through infertility) so even though we will still see them it won’t be as frequent/as easy as before.

    I have heard that what you describe here is pretty common though. That it can be isolating. I’m sorry you feel left out like this.

    A friend back home said, even though she has friends with children around the same age as her son they haven’t seen much of each other anyway, because everyone has their own schedule, routines and family demands and then you might start work again and around it goes…

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