I thought we had survived

This week has been a rough week. My little boy was going to start daycare and I was very distraught over it. Paxlet had his first day there and seemed to do quite well. Sure he cried some, but Kay said he played, ate and seemed to have some fun. Day two and three were roughly the same, although each day he cried a bit sooner upon being dropped off and it lasted a bit longer. To ease Paxlet into daycare, we only did a short week (3 days) with short hours (3 hours each day). Next week will also be 3 days, but a bit longer hours. As I picked Paxlet up from daycare on Thursday and was walking home with him, I let out a deep sigh and even a little tear thinking we had survived! We survived the first week and things went decently well.

Well, I’m taking it all back. I feel like the most horrible mom in the world right now and I don’t think we are surviving at all! Paxlet has been having major melt down tantrums out of what seems like nothing. He’s been horrible to get down to sleep for naps and bed time. And he is just all around fussy and not his normal happy-go-lucky self. I know that starting daycare is a huge huge step for any child. Especially when, like Paxlet, the child hasn’t been left with anyone other than their dad a few times. I knew to expect some changes in life at home, routine, sleep and whatever, but this is just ridiculous. I also know that Paxlet is still feeling a bit under the weather from the cold we had last week. Both of us still have a horrible runny/stuffed nose.  But can it really affect him this much?

For example, a couple of times now, giving Paxlet food had caused a major meltdown. I know he’s hungry, but the second I put food in front of him he just screams. A few days ago, I got him in his highchair and gave him a slice of avocado. He started crying. I took the avocado away and he still cried. I tried giving it back to him and he cried harder. As I turned around to get him some banana he ate the avocado and stopped crying. He then proceeded to eat the entire avocado (minus a tiny bit that Rusty the cat got) and almost an entire banana. Today he didn’t want his lunch (vegetable soup he has eaten many times before) until Mr Siili thawed out some strawberries. Then Paxlet would alternate between me giving him soup and Mr Siili giving him strawberries.

Paxlet has also started throwing mini-tantrums (and sometimes bigger) more often when he doesn’t get his way. He will bonelessly slump to the ground (if I’m holding him or trying to get him to stand) and then lean his head against the floor, usually from a sitting position, and cry! Big, fat, crocodile tears until he gets his way. He’s been doing a version of these for a while, but they have all of a sudden gotten more frequent and triggered by the most mundane of things. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around Paxlet at times.

We’ve also had all out screaming, thrashing around where I can’t hold onto him and crying until Paxlet almost pukes episodes when going to bed or when Paxlet wakes up in the middle of the night (from coughing, although I do give it to him that it probably hurts to cough). Last night we had one of these episodes at midnight as I was heading to bed. Nothing would calm him down. Not even boob!

All of these little differences in Paxlet are getting to me. I just want my little happy boy back. I’m tired of being almost in tears or in tears and feeling like the world’s shittiest mom. I don’t want to feel like he hates me at times. I worry that I’m screwing him up for life. I want to see him laugh more again and giggle easily. And I have a feeling this is only going to get worse before it gets better, if it does at all. I can’t not go to work. I can’t just stay home and keep him out of daycare for a while longer. I have to go back to work on September 2nd and I am dreading it.

Anyone know the winning lotto numbers for the next drawing? No? I could really use some of that money to allow me to stay home longer.


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