I’ve been meaning to write a post for the last couple of days and I just haven’t managed to do it. My thoughts on homemade play dough, song bags and others crafts are going to have to wait. Because right now, Mr Siili is upstairs walking Paxlet in hopes of getting him to sleep and I’m taking these few minutes of unknown length to write this up.
Today started out like any other day. I a bit tired with never quite enough sleep, but enough to take me through the day. Paxlet quite happy after a night of sleep and Mr Siili getting ready for work for the day. Paxlet and I went to one of our groups and then made our way to R’s house for a few hours. (Paxlet slept the entire time.)
It is only just this evening that’s been rough. A bit emotional with some tears, mine and Paxlet’s, thrown in and some frustration too. It always seems to be the evening hours that are the hardest. I know it is due to being tired after a long day. But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.
This evening I feel I’m not being a good enough parent. I don’t feel we have a bed time routine. I worry I’m not doing things correctly. I wonder if I let him co-sleep with me too long. I worry Mr Siili and I won’t have the same ideas on how to raise him and that we’ll mess him up (yes, I realize that is something we should have talked about more before we had a kid). I worry.
— Right now, Paxlet is upstairs screaming his little lungs out. Sometimes he’s even gagging/choking because he is screaming so hard. I’m crying too. I don’t know if I can handle this. —
I think my biggest problem is Paxlet sleeping on the boob. I know it is my fault, but I don’t know how to correct it. I have let Paxlet sleep next to me, eating on the boob to fall asleep (even for some naps, if we aren’t going somewhere by stroller) and having the boob whenever he wants, for comfort, during the night. I have gotten more sleep that way, but I have also paid for it with a kinked and sore neck and back. I know we need to do something about this, unikoulu (sleep school) most likely, but I just don’t know how to go about it. This is frustrating me and making me feel horrible as a parent right now.
— It was quite for a couple of minutes, as I am sure Paxlet exhausted himself to sleep, but now he is screaming again. I am assuming Mr Siili tried to lay him down in his crib. Back to square one. —
This is what is upsetting me tonight. I feel like a horrible parent, but I know this is not true. Some times are just rough. This is one of them.