Some times are just rough

I’ve been meaning to write a post for the last couple of days and I just haven’t managed to do it. My thoughts on homemade play dough, song bags and others crafts are going to have to wait. Because right now, Mr Siili is upstairs walking Paxlet in hopes of getting him to sleep and I’m taking these few minutes of unknown length to write this up.

Today started out like any other day. I a bit tired with never quite enough sleep, but enough to take me through the day. Paxlet quite happy after a night of sleep and Mr Siili getting ready for work for the day. Paxlet and I went to one of our groups and then made our way to R’s house for a few hours. (Paxlet slept the entire time.)

It is only just this evening that’s been rough. A bit emotional with some tears, mine and Paxlet’s, thrown in and some frustration too. It always seems to be the evening hours that are the hardest. I know it is due to being tired after a long day. But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.

This evening I feel I’m not being a good enough parent. I don’t feel we have a bed time routine. I worry I’m not doing things correctly. I wonder if I let him co-sleep with me too long.  I worry Mr Siili and I won’t have the same ideas on how to raise him and that we’ll mess him up (yes, I realize that is something we should have talked about more before we had a kid). I worry.

— Right now, Paxlet is upstairs screaming his little lungs out. Sometimes he’s even gagging/choking because he is screaming so hard. I’m crying too. I don’t know if I can handle this. —

I think my biggest problem is Paxlet sleeping on the boob. I know it is my fault, but I don’t know how to correct it. I have let Paxlet sleep next to me, eating on the boob to fall asleep (even for some naps, if we aren’t going somewhere by stroller) and having the boob whenever he wants, for comfort, during the night. I have gotten more sleep that way, but I have also paid for it with a kinked and sore neck and back. I know we need to do something about this, unikoulu (sleep school) most likely, but I just don’t know how to go about it. This is frustrating me and making me feel horrible as a parent right now.

— It was quite for a couple of minutes, as I am sure Paxlet exhausted himself to sleep, but now he is screaming again. I am assuming Mr Siili tried to lay him down in his crib. Back to square one. —

This is what is upsetting me tonight. I feel like a horrible parent, but I know this is not true. Some times are just rough. This is one of them.

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6 thoughts on “Some times are just rough

  1. Oh, dear, it sounds so familiar… I have been in your shoes. It is ROUGH. It shakes you to the core and it makes you doubt yourself like nothing else in your life.
    My experience, in a nutshell, with my first son, George: the first three months he slept in his crib. Poorly. Then things turned for the worse. We had some 2-3 weeks when he would wake after every sleep cycle, ~40min. I was a zombie. My husband had to sleep in another room, he had to go to work, and he was very tired. I took George in bed with us when he was 5mo, and we shared the family bed until George was 14 mo.
    One month after he turned one year old, we moved to a house with a gorgeous garden. And one month after settling in, we tried the sleeping in his cot thing again. What saved us and made it a success eventually was that the crib has three slats that come off, and George was able to go in and out as he wanted. I slept next to him on a futon, and the futon is still there, next to now the toddler bed, because George tosses and turns like crazy, and falls off the bed. 🙂
    Anyway, back to the first year. The boob is a magic knockout drops dispenser. There will come a time your son just won’t want or need it. Until then, feel free to use it as much as you can, along with cosleeping, as long as it is something that both parents agree upon. Now, around 4-5 month, babies turn mobile all of a sudden and for some reason this messes up their sleep. The first year is very tough, from this point of view. But, in retrospect, it flies away, really, it does.
    You may not believe now, when you’re in the thick of it, and it is so hard to deal with the exhaustion. But it will pass. I have tried everything, including CIO, which was a spectacular failure, because my son is a tension increaser (ask moxie website explains that very nicely). And then, all of a sudden, something changed and George didn’t need nursing, or rocking or singing to fall asleep anymore (dear lord, I have sung Hush little baby practically half of his first year…). It wasn’t something I did. Or the specialists from the baby sleep disorders clinic did (which was nothing, btw).
    You may try various things, and some may work, or not. If you find something that works, hang on to it for dear life. You need to rest as much as anyone else. And really, the only good piece of assvice I can give, is suck it up and it will pass. Do what you have to do to get some sleep. When your son is two, he will already need you less and less, and he’ll be this independent little boy, and you will sooooo miss these nights when you could cuddle with your baby and enjoy his closeness and be his most important person in the whole wide world.
    Stop blaming yourself. Some babies need closeness more than others. Adults like to sleep with someone, why would babies be different? He has enough time before him to learn to sleep by himself. Talk to your husband and get on the same page. When you are rested. When you are tired, communication is usually not that efficient.
    It gets better. It really does. Hang on. You are a fantastic mum and you are doing your best. Come on. Trust your instincts. They are never wrong.

  2. I’m so sorry that you and your wee one are going through a tough time. I hope you can stop beating yourself up, as there really is no ONE right way to do things. You’ll find your groove.

  3. It. Does. Get. Better!!! I promise! As Jamie said, there is no “right” way to do things, you need to figure out what works for you and Mr. Siili.

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