When, Not If

Since my therapist appointment yesterday, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about using “when” and not “if” when talking about my/our future now that I am pregnant. But this sure is difficult!

I can remember before we ever started TTC, I would quite often talk to my friends about “when I’m a mom” or “when I have kids”, etc. And then we did start TTC and I was even more excited about “when” I’d finally be a mom and “when” I’d get to do stuff with my kids. Even after TTC for a year and a half, plus surgery, I will still quite optimistic about “when”. I’m quite sure that even during the first couple of cycles with IUIs, I was still talking about “when”.

What I don’t remember is when my “whens” turned to “ifs”. How did I start thinking and talking about “if I get pregnant” or “if I ever become a mom”? How did it happen that when talking with my friends, I no longer got as excited to tell them “when I have a kid, we’re going to…”?

Even now, when I am 9 weeks pregnant and the therapist asked me to describe “how my life will be in a year, when all things go correct”, how come it was so hard to tell her my plans “when”? I was so unsure in my telling our future and how I see things when all things go correct, that I had to do it two times. The second telling I had to take my time and choose my words carefully. I had to think about using “when” and not “if” or “hopefully” or “maybe”. It really was difficult! But when I did manage to tell how I see our future “when”, it sure felt great! It was like this little gate popped open inside of me. (I am sure I got a goofy grin on my face.) I was able to peak through the gate and start to see that there really could be a great future “when” everything goes well. And that is what has been happening since. I’ve been slowly thinking more and more of “when” and not “if”.

So, here’s my story I told the therapist about “when” things go great and where I see us in a year:
When I give birth to my baby this summer, my family (dad, siblings and maybe even stepmom) will come visit us. We’ll have been in our new home for a while, so they’ll have a place to stay with us and not need a hotel. Mr Siili will still be working at his job and he’ll like what he is doing (even if he doesn’t love it, he’ll be happy enough). I year from now, I will still be at home with our little one. The three of us will be a happy family even if we don’t always get enough sleep. (Ok,so I just added this last sentence. *grin*)

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21 thoughts on “When, Not If

  1. I followed you over from the prompt and you're right, this is a good post. I remember that even after I had the twins, I still didn't use the right "words" to talk about my reality. I was still stuck in the mentality that "maybe " I was still waiting to be a mom, when I was holding my sons in my arms. Infertility is a beast. It follows you and badgers you long after people think it should. I say to people..I am STILL infertile, I still FEEL that all the time. Someone announces a pregnancy and I'm hurt, sad and pouty without realizing why. I am glad that your therapist made you do this exercise and I hope that the rest of your pregnancy goes well and smoothly so that next summer you are living those words that your wrote. thanks for sharing this. πŸ™‚

  2. Yeah, it's not easy changing your mindset, it's actually quite shocking to find yourself pregnant after such a long wait. That was my experience anyway. I'm positive but it's really scary starting to say when and also plan for it.

  3. Here from your prompt, and I also agree – great post! I am almost done with my adoption wait and I still have to insert the hopefully into every sentence. And then knock on wood too, if it's convenient πŸ˜‰

  4. Thank you, Kir. I am quite proud of this post.I know I'm still infertile. This pregnancy now doesn't change that, but at least for now, I'm trying my hardest to enjoy every single minute of it.

  5. Thanks, Missohkay. I can't imagine adoption, to me that is just as scary as knowing you might not become pregnant, if not more. Knocking on wood and anything else for you! I hope you can start your 'whens' soon.

  6. "If" has been in my vocabulary so much this past year. But here you are – almost one year later, and home with a beautiful baby. Your IF turned to When. I am so happy for you. I hope mine does, too.

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