Since my therapist appointment yesterday, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about using “when” and not “if” when talking about my/our future now that I am pregnant. But this sure is difficult!
I can remember before we ever started TTC, I would quite often talk to my friends about “when I’m a mom” or “when I have kids”, etc. And then we did start TTC and I was even more excited about “when” I’d finally be a mom and “when” I’d get to do stuff with my kids. Even after TTC for a year and a half, plus surgery, I will still quite optimistic about “when”. I’m quite sure that even during the first couple of cycles with IUIs, I was still talking about “when”.
What I don’t remember is when my “whens” turned to “ifs”. How did I start thinking and talking about “if I get pregnant” or “if I ever become a mom”? How did it happen that when talking with my friends, I no longer got as excited to tell them “when I have a kid, we’re going to…”?
Even now, when I am 9 weeks pregnant and the therapist asked me to describe “how my life will be in a year, when all things go correct”, how come it was so hard to tell her my plans “when”? I was so unsure in my telling our future and how I see things when all things go correct, that I had to do it two times. The second telling I had to take my time and choose my words carefully. I had to think about using “when” and not “if” or “hopefully” or “maybe”. It really was difficult! But when I did manage to tell how I see our future “when”, it sure felt great! It was like this little gate popped open inside of me. (I am sure I got a goofy grin on my face.) I was able to peak through the gate and start to see that there really could be a great future “when” everything goes well. And that is what has been happening since. I’ve been slowly thinking more and more of “when” and not “if”.
So, here’s my story I told the therapist about “when” things go great and where I see us in a year:
When I give birth to my baby this summer, my family (dad, siblings and maybe even stepmom) will come visit us. We’ll have been in our new home for a while, so they’ll have a place to stay with us and not need a hotel. Mr Siili will still be working at his job and he’ll like what he is doing (even if he doesn’t love it, he’ll be happy enough). I year from now, I will still be at home with our little one. The three of us will be a happy family even if we don’t always get enough sleep. (Ok,so I just added this last sentence. *grin*)