In the 1WW and some candid thoughts

So, uhm, yeah, next week on Friday morning, I get to POAS if AF hasn’t already shown up. I guess we’ll see what happens, won’t we?

At this point in time, I’m feeling totally indifferent to it all. I’m not excited about the possibility of being pregnant, if anything I’m sort of dreading it. I know! Who would have thunk, that after almost 3,5 years of trying to get pregnant, that I’d dread getting pregnant? I have my reasons though and I’m going to share them with you.

First off, I’ve been thinking about it for some time now that maybe we/I should take a break from TTC. I mean, it has been almost 3,5 years, with close to 2 of those years adding hormones to my body. Also, once we’ve gone through our 3 rounds of IVF and any FETs at the public clinic, I’m done. If we wanted to continue with fertility treatments, we’d need to go through a private clinic. I’m not sure Mr Siili will agree to that. I’m afraid he’ll say we have tried what we can and if 3 rounds, what more can be done? I’m also afraid he won’t be willing to shell out the added cash any more.

Also, I worry at times that maybe Mr Siili and I just won’t make a good family. We argue over the stupidest of stuff. Thankfully not too often. But many of our heated discussions are over the same exact things that we’ve been discussing for years on end. We just don’t seem to know how to resolve them. Mr Siili doesn’t want to go to counseling and I’m too chicken and lazy to go on my own. I’m also not sure if Mr Siili really wants to be a dad. Sure, if it happens he’d step up to the plate and be a great dad, most of the time. But then there are those times that worry me a bit.

More recently, finances. We’re in the process of talking to banks to see if we can get a loan for our new place. A loan that will own us for the next 23-25 years! And right now, we’re operating off of one income, some unemployment and some savings, but savings only go so far. Especially with a loan looming. I also haven’t been the bestest about finances and making a financial plan. That’s not to say that I’ve been totally horrible either, just not as good and efficient as I should be. Yes, I know I work in the finance department at my work, but I work in a specific area and with specific tasks. Yes, I also know I went to Int’l Business School, but a lot of what they taught us there was crap and not always useful in the day to day world. Sad, but true.

Along this finance line of thought, Mr Siili is concerned that I’m trying to make my decision to stop TTC for a while a “financial decision”, which he says it isn’t. We aren’t trying to get pregnant for the sake of saving money or to gain money. Money is just money and it is something we need to live, but at the same time it shouldn’t stop us from living life (to an extent).

To tie all of these thoughts and concerns together, I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that I may never become a mom. (No, I don’t think adoption is an option for us.) This scares the crap out of me. I’m not ready to think this or admit this might be a possibility, but I really do think I need to start thinking about it. Right this instant, I don’t feel as if I could live a fulfilled life without a kid and that’s a pretty bad place to be. So, in trying not to get my hopes up or let my hopes down, I’m indifferent. I’d also like to know whether or not I need to continue leaking progesterone from my lady bits on a daily basis or not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I’ll be elated (and worried) if I do get a BFP next week.

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13 thoughts on “In the 1WW and some candid thoughts

  1. I think you're really brave and honest to be saying these things out loud. I often have doubts about becoming a mother, especially with regard to finances.I don't have much time right now but what I will say is that if (when) you get a BFP on Friday I will be over the moon for you (and also really jealous) and I know that you will feel the same way.

  2. I think most people have their doubts on being a good enough parent. But I also think that when it comes to it for real, it all is a natural process more or less. The finances are of course important but I'm in no doubt you would make it. You seem to be responsible people and it's all about making priorities. Just my thoughts.. Anyway I really hope next weeks result will make your wish come true! And again, I'm not sure if adoption would be for us either so I understand your thought on that.

  3. I feel for you and I had many of the same thoughts as you. Bravo for having the courage to write all this down. It's all really scary either way, however hang in there, I believe that what is meant to be will be. Thinking of you and rooting for you all the way!

  4. I think if you didn't worry about becoming a parent, you wouldn't be taking it serious enough! It's HUGE! I worry all the time about what will happen if and when I get pregnant…I hope that's normal 🙂 Good thoughts coming your way!

  5. I agree you are brave for writing your thoughts. I am hoping this is it for you and some of your worries will be lessened. I nominated you for a blog award. =0)

  6. I agree with the others: I think it's a sign that you WILL be a good parent when you worry about whether or not you'll be a good one. (That sentence seems poorly constructed. Sorry!)P.S. I also nominated you for a blog award. 🙂

  7. Thanks Kat! I've just been so tired of bottling it all up inside. This is my outlet. :)I sure wish I had your level of confidence for this Friday..I just don't feel it. But we'll see.

  8. I sure hope worrying makes a good parent, I know I do enough of it (although not too much, according to my therapist today).Thanks for the award, I'll pick it up and post about it in my next blog post (after today's).

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