Opposite of Squeeee!!

What’s the opposite of Squeeee? Anti-Squeee? Or maybe it’s Un-Squeee? In any case, the emotion that is the opposite of Squeeee is just sadness and bleh.

Friday during the day, I had a spot of very light pink/brown discharge on my undies and on the toilet paper, once. I decided I couldn’t wait until Saturday morning, so I POAS’d late late Friday night and got a BFN. I stopped using the progesterone suppositories because I figured AF would be on her way soon and I was really sick of the suppositories. It was very nice to go all day Saturday without anything leaking from me! So much so, I even thought of trying to get Mr Siili in the sack with me for a bit of wiggling. It didn’t work, but that was ok. I just had a very lazy day instead and read a book, most of it while I was in bed. I did go out in the evening with some girls from work. We played pool and then had dinner. It was an enjoyable evening. I think I had maybe 1 or two tiny, almost non-existant AF spots during the day, so I really thought AF was on her way.

By the time I woke up and stopped reading in bed on Sunday, AF still wasn’t here, I decided maybe I should still be using the suppositories. Maybe it was too early to test on Friday night. In went the suppository and out came leakage tinged pink/brown and nothing else. And now, here is is Sunday late afternoon, and still no AF. I’m not sure what to make of it all, except that I feel like I am in limbo and I am progressing into a sad state of mind.

I don’t know how much longer I can take this month after month of disappointment. Yet, I fear (know?) if I don’t continue, I’ll never get to my goal of pregnancy and an eventual baby/child. Infertility sucks! I feel alone, even if I rationally know it isn’t true.

I still have a couple more days before Wednesday, which is the day the clinic says I can test, so we’ll see, but I am NOT hopeful at all. To top it all off, my neck decided to spasm and kink yesterday just before I went out. Now it is stiff and hurts, again! I’m going to continue reading now.

10 thoughts on “Opposite of Squeeee!!

  1. right here with ya feeling that feeling. i'm about to get my period. It was a natural cycle but i was really hoping this would be the one. of course, every cycle I feel that way, the excitement, the waiting, the hope, the disappointment, 22 cycles later and nothing has changed. One thing that I have and appreciate very much is that I can get a beta very easily. I can call quest diagnostics and have them come to my house to take blood and the results are email to me that day for about 12 bucks. So now, I know for sure that I'm not even a little bit pregnant.Hang in there Heather. You'll make it through.

  2. Un-Squeee indeed. I'm so sorry to hear this news. And being stuck in limbo completely sucks. Infertility does make you feel all alone even if you're surrounded by internet friends; they can't give you real life hugs or drink a glass/bottle of wine with you. I'm thinking about you.

  3. I have been thinking of you and feared a non-squeeling post coming (since a squeeling one didn't pop up in my reader yesterday). I'm sorry you are in limbo. I guess your clinic is like mine; no beta through blood work but a test to take home and a good-luck-pat-call-us-when-you-have-the-result approach. A few more days now. I'm waiting right here with you..

  4. Thanks AAW. I am thankful for my internet friends, very much so! Especially since I know they know what I am going through and been there (unfortunately). I agree, the hugs and a drink would be nice! I'm thinking I might even have a drink once AF shows, and I rarely do that. LOL.

  5. Thanks, Cattiz. I just couldn't find it in me to post anything until today..Bleh.I don't think my clinic does betas unless I were to test positive at home, as they've never once had me come in on a specific date. But I also think it has to do with being a publicly funded clinic/hospital. I do love the nurses and doctors (and the prices), but I just wish I could get to the point of needing a beta.

  6. I don't know. I think it's also depending on which country you are in. or so I have thought by reading different blogs. I'm with a private clinic on a non-funded cycle and this is normal procedure there.

  7. Sorry I missed this before – unsquee indeed.Really sorry it seems this cycle wasn't the one for you. I was really hoping that it was. Still a few days til the official test date so maybe… I've still got my fingers crossed for you.Btw, I've really resented having to get blood drawn when I've known that there was no reason to. While I completely understand why you want to get to a beta, remember it's one less needle poke. Silver lining?

  8. They always say it's not over 'till it's over. But I know that it's hard to hang on to hope once you see that first bit of spotting. Not that it's much consolation, but I can empathize. *hugs*

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