Three years TTC

Later this month marks 3 years since I removed my last NuvaRing and we started TTC.

The first year wasn’t so bad. I knew it could take some time before anything happened, so I wasn’t worried. I also thought that because I had gotten pregnant so many years earlier, way too easily, that this time would be the same. Boy, was I naive!

The second and third year have been filled with fear, mega hormones, uncertainty and utter sadness among other things. Fear and disbelief have come from the need to go to a fertility clinic, have lots of treatments and become one of ‘those’ women. Disbelief that my body would let me down, especially when I knew it worked, at one point. Hormones, my own and additional ones administered to my body. Mood swings that come out of nowhere. Hormones that have at times caused me cry for the stupidest reasons and uncontrollably, snap at my husband for no or little reason, bloat and at times just feel all around miserable. (In all fairness, I’ve actually had it pretty easy as far as side effects from treatments go.) Uncertainty of whether the next cycle or treatment will work. The sense of hopelessness as I’ve gone into yet another cycle and already having the feeling of this not being the one and then AF shows to rub it in even more. Being torn between being happy for everyone else who has gotten pregnant, had their kid(s) to being utterly saddened by my lack of any sign of a positive pregnancy test.

Three years! Three years and not one single show of two lines, a smiley face or BFP. No chemical pregnancy, no ectopic, no miscarriage, no nothing. As sad as it sounds and the reality of it is, I would give anything to have been pregnant and lost it than to be in this place of never having had at all. I just want some sort of sign to show that it’s even possible for me to get pregnant. I know our embryos from IVF grow in the lab, but what is happening when they are transferred back to me? Obviously nothing.

Three years and we still have nothing to show for it. That’s what saddens me the most.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Three years TTC

  1. I am so sorry and I know exactly how you feel. I can't remember if I have written it but I have said the same thought aloud. I agree with Jen below… In some weird way, it would be nice to know your body is able to become pregnant and as awful as a miscarriage would be, it would just be nice to know there is a MAYBE. I hope your wait to become a mommy is shorter than you think. hugs.

  2. You're brave enough to say what I've been thinking for a long time, but have been too afraid to put out there: "As sad as it sounds and the reality of it is, I would give anything to have been pregnant and lost it than to be in this place of never having had at all." I refrain from saying it because I fear it might offend someone who has had a miscarriage, as if I'm calling them lucky. But IF makes you think in strange, twisted ways sometimes. I think I'd feel at least some comfort in knowing that my body was capable of pregnancy, even for a short time. Then I'd know that SOMETHING was working. I truly hope that you won't have to wait much longer for your happy, healthy pregnancy. *hugs*

  3. I am so sorry. I don't know what to say and I hope I didn't offend with anything I said in the last comment. I just wanted to let you know that I do care and wanted to offer, something, at least word, however empty they may be.

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s