My thoughts are of 3 different subjects today, yet they all are slighty connected, but I don’t feel like writing them separately, so here it goes:
The best shopping spree
A second-hand store in town had a 1€ for any item of clothing sale today (Mon=4€, Tue & Wed=3€, Thurs & Fri=2€ and Sat=1€). They do this 2-3 times a year and normally I just stay away. I just hate the crowds, I hate waiting in long lines to try on clothes, I hate trying on clothes, I hate finding stuff I like AND hoping it is in my size. I just don’t generally like clothes shopping. But today was different! I spent 12€ on 12 pieces of clothing today. Yes, that’s right, 12€ total on 12 pieces of clothing, as a little birthday gift to myself.
The difference with today was that I wasn’t there with the intention to buy clothes for me to wear, but to find some fabric to sew some stuff. I was looking at clothes as if it was just material. I grabbed a pair of yellow-green and black plaid pants (I had spied them a few days earlier and hoped they’d still be there), a couple of green shirts in different shades, a pair of red/orange/off-white hibiscus covered pillow cases, some orange shirts, a blue flowery shirt, a brown pair of pants and a grey/black/white skirt all with the intention of upcycling or recycling them into something else. I didn’t have to think of what size the clothes were or how they fit me (although I did find 2 shirts for actual wearing), I just had to like the colors and material. It was the bestest shopping spree that I have gone on in ages. And the funny part, some of the clothes I bought actually fit me and look good on me! Especially the brown slacks. Go figure!
You just don’t get it! or Why can’t you just understand?!
I had what I consider a pretty big break down this evening. Mr Siili and I were laying in bed chatting. It got onto the subject of acupuncture and IVF. He doesn’t believe that acupuncture will help with my endo nor help me get pregnant. If I like the acupuncture, as one would like a massage, then he doesn’t see why I couldn’t continue to go a couple of more times (but not 8 more times), but if I am going into the appointments with the idea that it is going to “cure” or even help fix me, I might as well not go because there are no known scientific medical studies showing that it actually does anything. This got me quite upset and sent me off on a tirade about how all of this IF stuff consumes my unconscious and conscious mind whether I want it to or not. I once again explained, between crying sobs, that I feel the need to try something more, that I am getting to the end of what I can try. (No, I will not buy some magical rocks to put around our bed to help me connect with ley-lines or a copper bracelet that does whatever, etc as Mr Siili facetiously suggested.) I see other pregnant women and it makes me sad. I hear of a friend/co-worker/acquaintance is pregnant or just had their kid and I’m again sad (don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them, but extremely sad for myself). I’m now 35 (stupid birthday, although I’ve never really had issues with my age before and all of this 35-stuff isn’t really about my age but rather the whole “harder to get pregnant and higher risk” stuff) and getting pregnant is supposed to be harder, what the fuck has it been up to now? A walk in the park? Sure, I got pregnant once 13 years ago when I didn’t want to and now that I want to get pregnant, I can’t! I also didn’t have endo then. I’m tired of the stupid people telling me to relax or trust in god or that it will happen when it is meant to be. I relaxed the entire first year, I don’t believe in god and I hate hearing “meant to be”. I just want to be fucking pregnant now! All of these thoughts and more plague me constantly. I can’t lock myself in my bedroom to get away from it all because even in there I’d be reminded of pregnancy or my mind would wander to babies, etc. There is no escape from it.
We’ve tried a year and a half on our own, I’ve had laparoscopic surgery for endo, we’ve done several IUIs, 2 IVFs, 1 FET and not a single pregnancy. Not even a BFP which results in a loss, which sad to say, I’d dearly love even one of those right now. We have 1 more IVF try via the (less expensive) public clinic and then we’d need to transfer to a private clinic if we want to continue trying. Are we even going to continue if we have to go the slightly more expensive* route? I feel like we are getting to the end of what can be done to get me pregnant. Yet, if we stop now and don’t try anything else, it is almost a 100% guarantee that I won’t ever get pregnant and I cannot accept that yet. I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up. I am not at a stage where I can carry on with my life in a self-accepting and happy way. I NEED to get pregnant and have a kid. I can only hope this crying and ranting episode helped Mr Siili to maybe, even just a little bit, understand what it is that goes through my mind and what I’ve feeling.
*I feel a bit guilty talking about ‘expensive’ because I know it is relative and I am so totally thankful that I don’t live in the USA where IVF is insanely expensive and to which I feel that if we did live in the US, we wouldn’t be doing most of what we have, although Mr Siili seems to think otherwise.
My mom would have remembered
My birthday was a few days ago. On the day of my birthday, I had aprox. 70 happy birthday messages on Facebook, several more via sms, 1 package in the mail (a few cards beforehand), a sweet card from Mr Siili and promises for the actual gift later. Of all of those well wishes for my birthday, not a single one came from my immediate family members. Two days later, I call them via Skype and still not a single person mentions my birthday. I know I could have and probably should have mentioned my birthday myself, but that just feel so wrong. So, here I sit totally upset and crying that no one in my family remembered my birthday, or at least to tell me they remembered it. And I know that if my mom was alive, she would have remembered it. She always did!
Yikes, this turned out to be much longer than I had intended.