Not happy with life lately

It just seems that when it rains, it pours. I’ve been feeling quite down and bleh-like the last few weeks and it doesn’t seem to be getting better. Just worse. I know I have a pretty decent life, but sometimes it is hard to see the positive. That’s how it is for me right now.

More than anything in the world, I want to be pregnant. How things stand, I don’t think it will happen until October, the earliest. I just don’t have faith in my body alone anymore (who would after 2+ years?). And so far the 2 IUI’s haven’t worked, I guess the 3rd time could be a charm.

Work is work. I still like what I do, but there are so many changes going on, that it isn’t easy to stay upbeat and positive all the time. I believe there are about 200 jobs in our building at the moment and something like 100 of them are leaving, although a few (20-30?) will be coming to us. So not a total loss. In “my” team of 4, 1 has left already and another will leave in 2 months. Tomorrow we will get a new guy, so that will keep us at 3 for some time. Stressful times.

I feel as if I do all the cleaning around our apartment. And sometimes it just totally gets on my nerves and I freak out. I’m sick of doing all the dishes, most all the laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, picking up, etc. Not to mention most of the food shopping and cooking.

I’m still sad about losing Kantti.

Issues with my stepmom are coming to a (re)boil. My dad has been pushing for me, my mom and stepmom to get things sorted out from 4 years ago when Mika and I got married. I hope my mom and I have been getting things sorted out, but she is scared/shy/whatever to speak her mind at times, so my stepmom “has” to do it for her. And my stepmom is quite loud and opinionated (gee, I wonder where I get some of it from?) and slights/grudges can be held for a long time, which makes it hard to talk and apologize. As things look right now, I might need another 4-8 years to get on decent terms again with my stepmom, if that is possible.

I’ve been feeling pudgy lately. And I know that is all of my own fault. I haven’t been going to TKD lately, nor doing much else. But at the same time, I just haven’t felt like doing much of anything. I did go 2 weeks ago, it was great. And then last Monday I couldn’t go because it was month end and I worked too late. I plan on going tomorrow.

I don’t seem to have much contact with my friends anymore these days. And I think times like these would be when I’d need them the most. I know they all have lives of their own, with kids and husbands, work, etc. Maybe I just need to make my life more full and then I wouldn’t have time to be so bleh.

It’ll get better.

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